Robert Rector

Be My Valentine

2012-02-12T21:09:00.000-08:00

Gentlemen, don’t be this guy:

She: “It’s Valentine’s Day. You forgot.”

He: (stammering) “ Well, I can explain. I did a little research on
the holiday and this is what I found.

“Valentine’s Day honors a couple of Christian martyrs named, what
else, Valentine. One was put to death for attempting to convert a
Roman emperor to Christianity.

“The other was a priest who refused a law attributed to Roman Emperor
Claudius II, allegedly ordering that young men remain single. The
Emperor supposedly did this to grow his army, believing that married
men did not make for good soldiers. The priest, however, secretly
performed marriage ceremonies for young men. When Claudius found out
about this, he had Valentine arrested and jailed.

“He fell in love with the jailer’s daughter and on the day of his
execution, Feb.14, sent her a love letter signed, ‘Your Valentine.’

“Nice stories, both. But they are legends with little or no
historical evidence to support them. The celebration most likely was
an attempt by the Catholic Church to Christianize a Roman fertility
festival held in mid-February.

“In fact, the Catholic Church deleted Valentine’s Day as an official
feast day in 1969 apparently believing that neither of these
gentlemen had anything to do with love and courtship.

“So I didn’t forget. I just decided not to celebrate a holiday that
has no basis in fact.”

She: Icy stare. Silent treatment for at least a week, maybe longer.

And so our protagonist learns the hard way that it’s easier to buy
candy or dinner or flowers than to apply steely eyed logic to affairs
of the heart.

The fact is, we’ve been celebrating Valentine’s Day for a very long
time.

Doing a bit of research from such diverse Internet sites as CNN, the
Census Bureau, the History Channel and Wikipedia we discover the
following:

The first recorded association of Valentine's Day with romantic love
is in “Parlement of Foules” (1382) by Geoffrey Chaucer. Chaucer
wrote: "For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh
there to choose his mate."

It seems odd that birds would be mating in February but let’s allow
old Geoffrey a little literary license.

Doing it as only the French can do, a “High Court of Love” was
established in Paris on Valentine's Day in 1400. The court dealt with
love contracts, betrayals, and violence against women. Judges were
selected by women on the basis of a poetry reading.

Also in the Middle Ages, legend has it that young men and women drew
names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would
wear these names on their sleeves for one week. Now, to wear your
heart on your sleeve means being transparent with your affections.

Today, Valentine’s Day continues to be a big deal. According to the
Greeting Card Association, an estimated 1 billion Valentine’s Day
cards are sent each year, making Valentine's Day the second largest
card-sending holiday of the year. (An estimated 2.6 billion cards are
sent for Christmas.)

Not surprisingly, women buy 85 per cent of all Valentines. On the
other hand, men spend almost twice as much on Valentine’s Day as
women do.

Candy sales account for $448 million the week before Feb. 14 and $8.6
million is spent on sparkling wine.

Other Valentine facts:

More than one-third of men would prefer not receiving a gift. Less
than 20 percent of women feel the same way.

Fifteen per cent of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine’s
Day.

More than 9 million pet owners will buy gifts for their pets.
More at-home pregnancy tests are sold in March than in any other
month.

Finally, the most used (and abused) poem in recent history began life
as a bit of Valentine’s Day doggerel first noted in a 1784 collection
of English nursery rhymes:

The rose is red, the violet's blue,
The honey's sweet, and so are you.
Thou are my love and I am thine;
I drew thee to my Valentine:
The lot was cast and then I drew,
And Fortune said it shou'd be you.

The Crooner-in-Chief

2012-02-05T21:59:00.000-08:00

Americans in the past have chosen their presidents based on party, on
stature, on appearance, on rhetoric, on popularity, even on critical
issues from time to time.

But this may be the first presidential race decided on singing
ability. Call it “Campaign 2012” meets “American Idol.”

This all started when President Obama, appearing at a recent
fund-raiser at the Apollo Theater in New York, crooned a couple of
bars from “Let’s Stay Together,” a hit a few years back by renown
R&B/gospel singer Al Green.

And while it’s hard to judge talent on a couple of bars of music, his
performance, in falsetto no less, sounded pretty good. So good, in
fact, it went viral on You Tube (more than 4 million views) and
became available as a smart phone ringtone.

While the President may be struggling to right the economic Ship of
State, he certainly did right by Mr. Green.

Sales of the song rose 490 per cent after Obama’s rendition,
according the Hollywood Reporter.

With than kind of juice, Obama could record an album and pay down the
national debt with the proceeds.

Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney launched into an entire chorus of
“America the Beautiful” at a recent campaign stop in Florida.

The song was surely selected to warm the hearts of conservatives
everywhere. I mean, you couldn’t have Romney singing “Jumpin’ Jack
Flash’’ to a crowd of people who thought the last great American
songwriter was Stephen Foster.

It was the worst idea since Dukakis drove a tank. To put it kindly,
it was soul-less and embarrassing.

Historians may look back and declare Romney was revealed on that day
to be tone deaf both musically and politically.

Yet, some found both performances inspiring. A former colleague
suggested we incorporate singing into a new kind of presidential
contest.

Rather than just debating, candidates would compete in singing,
dancing, cooking (have them de-bone a chicken or bake a soufflé),
bartending (have them produce a mai-tai from scratch), free-throw
shooting, a round of golf and a few hands of Texas hold-em.

That would tell us something about their character.

Obama is not the first president or potential president to make music
a part of his persona.

Richard Nixon played “God Bless America” on the piano at one point
during his administration and accompanied Pearl Baily in the East
Room during a social function.

Bill Clinton, before he was president, showed up on the Arsinio Hall
show on night with his saxophone and dark glasses in tow and launched
into a version of “Heartbreak Hotel.” After becoming president,
Clinton jammed with E Street Band saxophonist Clarence Clemons at an
inaugural ball.

Other presidents played although not publicly. John Quincy Adams
played the flute, Chester Arthur the banjo, Woodrow Wilson the
violin. Franklin Roosevelt liked to sing. And John Tyler organized
his 15 children in a White House minstrel band, according to
historical accounts.

But perhaps the most famous of all was Harry Truman who never met a
piano he didn’t like.

Truman once conducted a nationally televised tour of the renovated
White House and played on a 1938 Steinway. The building was
condemned, one account says, when a leg of a piano played by his
daughter Margaret crashed through the floor of the decrepit mansion.

Truman once famously said: "My choice early in life was either to be
a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the
truth, there's hardly any difference."

What So Proudly We Screeched

2012-01-31T14:48:00.000-08:00

Ah, yes. Super Bowl week. That seven-day period when the hype reaches
warp speed, when the media swarm descends on everyone from tackles
and tailbacks to towel boys, ankle tapers and under assistant
equipment managers.

It’s the only time when you’ll hear the complete life story of the
back-up long snapper. Everybody’s fair game during Super Bowl week.

The steady drumbeat of analysis and adulation is followed by a game
which, more often than not, becomes a yawn inducing play-not-to-lose
contest.

Go easy on the beer and bean dip. You might sleep through the whole
thing.

For me, the real edge-of-seat excitement comes during the singing of
the national anthem. Will it be a moving tribute to the land of the
free or an embarrassing flop by a performer whose marquee value
exceeds his or her talent?

Just this past week, for example, we saw both extremes.

Before the Baltimore-New England Game, the anthem was attempted by
Steven Tyler, the legendary rock singer who fronted Aerosmith. He
sounded like a screech owl in heat.

Meaning no disrespect. Mr. Tyler made his name singing the likes of
“Dude Looks Like a Lady” and “Janie’s Got a Gun.” Nobody every
mistook him for Pavarotti. Asking him to tackle the National Anthem,
a work that could bring an Irish tenor to tears, is an invitation to
disaster. Which is exactly what we got.

For a guy who judges talent on “American Idol,” he should know better
and offer to recite the Pledge of Allegiance instead. Judge not lest
ye be judged, as the good book says.

On the other side of the country, actress and Broadway performer
Kristin Chenoweth offered a stirring and heartfelt version of the
National Anthem before the 49ers-Giants game while singing in the
pouring rain. It was grace under pressure.

The next person or persons who hire Steven Tyler to sing the anthem
should be arrested on charges of felony bad taste. Because this is
not his first foray into failure.

He famously butchered it in 2001 at the Indy 500, first by kicking it
off with a blues harmonica solo, then forgetting some of the lyrics
and concluding by changing “home of the brave” to “home of the
Indianapolis 500.” I’m surprised he got out of town alive.

Later, an Indiana state legislator proposed a bill that would set
specific "performance standards" for singing and playing “The
Star-Spangled Banner” and fine those who fail to meet the standards.

So who started this whole free-form interpretation of the anthem? Why
are subjected to versions that sound like they were conceived in a
blues bar at 2 a.m.?

Do a little research on the Internet and the blame seems to fall
squarely at the feet of popular singer/guitarist Jose Feliciano. His
version before Game 5 of the 1968 World Series between Detroit and
St. Louis shocked the crowd. Worse, it started a trend.

It was the 60s, after all, not a good time for traditionalism.

That begat Jimi Hendrix who did an instrumental version in 1968 that
actually got air play. Which begat Marvin Gaye whose soul version
before the 1983 NBA All-Star game became popular.

Then, there were the lowlights. Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis in
1993 performed a version that was so bad, he apologized in the middle
of the song. Christina Aguilera’s version at a Super Bowl was
pretentious and bizarre ("What so proudly we watched at the
twilight's last reaming." ) Michael Bolton forgot the lyrics half way
through his version even though he had them written on his hand. Kat
DeLuna got booed out of Texas stadium after her rendition.

But the hands-down worst version ever was by Roseanne Barr before a
San Diego Padres baseball game. After screeching and grunting through
the song, she finished by grabbing her crotch and spitting as the
boos rained down on her. Who in the world thought this would be a
good idea?

(For the record, I listened and watched each and every one of these
performances on You Tube. It was a four aspirin experience).

The gold standard is Whitney Houston’s flawless and mostly
traditional anthem before a Super Bowl game in 1991 that became so
popular it was released as a single and made the Billboard Top 100.
Once you’ve heard it, you’ll want to enlist.

Next Sunday, the anthem will be sung by Kelly Clarkson, an “American
Idol” winner who had a recent hit entitled “My Life Would Suck
Without You.”

Stay tuned.

A Captain Not So Courageous

2012-01-22T22:49:00.000-08:00

It was a bad week for the travel industry.

First, Captain Francesco Schettino steered his massive cruise ship,
Costa Concordia, on to the rocks just off the Italian coast, creating
a near Titanic-like disaster. As of this writing, 11 people have died
and 21 are still missing.

To make matters worse, the Captain was one of the first to abandon
ship, ahead of most of the 4,000 passengers and crew, defying
maritime tradition that the master is the last to leave.

He later explained he “tripped” and fell into a lifeboat.

With that, Capt. Schettino instantly did three things: He did for
cruises what “Jaws” did for summers at the beach; he came up with the
worst excuse since “the dog ate my homework;” he perpetuated the myth
of Italian cowardice that was had its roots in World War II (“Did you
hear about the new Italian tank? It has six gears: one forward and
five reverse.”)

On points one and two, there is no debate. As to the last point, one
vain and spineless idiot does not represent an entire country and its
people. For every Capt. Schettino, there were hundreds of brave and
dedicated rescue workers who risked their lives to save passengers.

Most historians agree that in World War II, the Italians lacked
weapons, leadership and a desire to die for Benito Mussolini, an
inept egomaniac who made Hitler look brilliant. So they surrendered.
You want to talk Italians and military prowess? Make sure you make
the Roman legions part of the discussion.

In the meantime, the crew of a British Airlines passenger jet flying
35,000 feet over the Atlantic accidentally played a recording over the
intercom announcing the plane was about to make a crash landing in
the ocean.

Then, according to one passenger, “"About 30 seconds later, one of
the cabin crew told us to ignore the announcement. ... Imagining
yourself plunging towards a cold, watery grave in the middle of the
Atlantic is a pretty horrific thought, but they seemed very blasé
about it."

One wonders if the announcement was preceded by, “This is Captain
Schettino speaking…”

One also wonders what other recordings they have cued up on the
flight deck. “Due to a mechanical problem, we will return to the gate
where you will sit on the tarmac for seven hours. Thank you for your
patience.” “Your luggage is mistakenly on its way to New Zealand.”
“We will be charging an exit fee for you to depart the airplane.”
“Please remain calm….we forgot to fill the plane’s liquor cabinet.”
Better yet, how about a recording accompanied by cheery music that
says, “Please disregard the previous recording that said we are all
about to die.”

The airline has apologized for the miscue. One hopes they passed out
clean underwear for the passengers upon landing.

It’s also been a bad week for Republicans. The South Carolina
Republican primary has morphed from a frank but cordial exchange of
views into biker bar brawl. This isn’t a campaign; it’s hand-to-hand
combat.

There’s already been one fatality. Rick Perry has announced he is
saddling up and riding back to Texas after performing so bad in the
debates, he must have been channeling former Perot running mate
Admiral Stockdale.

Then, 16 days after the fact, Rick Santorum was declared the winner
of the Iowa caucuses, beating Mitt Romney by 34 votes.

This would normally not be a game changer. As one observer said of
the archaic way Iowa votes, “It should be a Swiss watch. Instead it’s
a sundial.”

But for Romney, loosing to Santorum anywhere at anything can’t be a
good thing.

While this was going on, Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife said in an interview
he was giving speeches on family values at the same time he was
advocating an “open marriage” for the couple.

Finally, a Pew Research Center poll found that 53 percent of those
surveyed Dec. 7-11 said Republicans were more extreme than Democrats
and 51 percent said Democrats were more willing to compromise.

Here’s to competent captains, less pre-recorded messages and an
absence of mud in Republican politics.

True Blue

2012-01-15T22:36:00.000-08:00

Good news, Dodgers fans. In an attempt to lift the dark clouds that
have recently enveloped the franchise I have a plan that will bring about a new golden age for the storied team.

I intend to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers.

I reached this decision after noting that almost everyone but me wants to own the team which is currently for sale. Being no dummy, I decided if a whole bunch of really rich people think it’s a good idea to own the Dodgers, maybe I should join
the fun.

I have a plan.

I promise an end to cold hot dogs and warm beer. I promise to reduce the number of advertisements that currently tattoo every inch of the stadium. I will also eliminate kiss cams, dance cams and obnoxious kid cams. This is a ball game, not You Tube.

I will build enough concession stands and hire enough people to run
them so that fans won’t miss three innings of a game trying to get an
order of nachos.

I won’t charge more for parking than your car is worth.

I will obtain a third baseman, a left fielder, a catcher and relief
pitchers, none of whom are at the beginning or end of their careers.

I will build a statue of Vin Scully at the entrance to the stadium.

This I swear. But first, there are several obstacles I need to
overcome.

First, I'm a bit short on experience. Actually, my only experience is
managing a T-ball team for 6-year-olds and playing in a few softball
leagues . But, hey, a hit is a hit and a run is a run. How complicated can it be?

In addition, I understand that a Dodger owner is the curator of a
civic treasure which immediately lifts me head and shoulders above the
buffoons who have mishandled the franchise since 1998 when Peter
O'Malley cashed out.

Second, it appears that I will need somewhere in the vicinity of a
billion dollars. First I thought I might ask for donations from my
readers. But that would probably fall short of the price for a Happy
Meal.

Then it occurred to me: You don't need a billion dollars to buy a
franchise. In fact, you don't need any money at all. The only
requirement is cunning and guile. And maybe a little larceny in your
heart.

Frank McCourt's purchase of the Dodgers was mostly a no-money down
transaction, financed with debt. An IOU if you will. After running
the franchise into the ground by using its assets to gild his personal lily, he
filed for bankruptcy. Major League Baseball accused McCourt of “looting” the team of $189 million.

Now, he has the team up for sale for north of a billion dollars. Most
people think he’ll get it.

Even after paying off his loans, his ex-wife and a few hundred
lawyers, he'll pocket a nice chunk of change. And you were worried
that Frank would be reduced to be selling bags of oranges on freeway
offramps.

Third, I’ll have to overcome the competition.

There are some noble and good men involved in the bidding: Peter
O’Malley, Fred Claire, Magic Johnson, Joe Torre. All would restore
the good name of the Dodgers.

There are a few sketchy ones as well.

For example, Mark Cuban, whose boorish behavior as an NBA franchise
owner, has cost him hundreds of thousands in fines. I can’t wait to
see the first time he comes charging out of the stands to argue a
third-strike call with the umps. It would be like having Milton
Bradley in charge. Let’s go for an owner with a little dignity for a
change.

Then there’s Thomas J. Barrack, a billionaire real estate investor
and founder of Colony Capital, located in Santa Monica. There are a
few things on his resume that set off alarm bells. He once worked
for Herbert W. Kalmbach, President Richard Nixon's personal lawyer
(ring!). He also once worked for Saudi princes and helped open
diplomatic relations between Saudi Arabia and Haiti, then ruled by
Jean-Claude Duvalier (ring!). He owns the Neverland Ranch (ring!).
In the summer, he lives in a castle in the South of France. (ring!).

Bill Burke, a businessman who founded the L.A. Marathon, allegedly offered McCourt $1.2 billion last August. According to a story in the L.A. Times, the bid was largely bankrolled by Chinese investors. The Dodgers in the hands of Communists? Really?

Also bidding is Steven Cohen, a hedge fund billionaire who in an act
of supreme confidence, has already hired an architect to redesign
Dodger Stadium. The Securities and Exchange Commission is
investigating his firm, SAC Capital Advisors, as part of the
government’s broad crackdown on insider trading. Although Cohen
himself has not been targeted, Major League Baseball remains leery of
Wall Street after Bernie Madoff fleeced the owners of the Mets.

Somewhere in between are the likes of:

Orel Hershiser and Steve Garvey, two former Dodger stars;

A group headed by former agent and current Chicago White Sox special
assistant Dennis Gilbert, talk show host Larry King and Jason Reese
of Imperial Capital;

The family of the late Roy Disney partnered with Stanley Gold, who
runs the family investment firm.

Probably a dozen other potential buyers who are keeping it quiet.

As for me, I’ll approach the Dodger sweepstakes as though I was
buying a used car. I’ll walk around a bit, kick the tires then make
a low-ball offer.

If I succeed, you’re all invited to sit in the owner’s box with me.
If not, see you in the bleachers.

For the Record

2012-01-05T17:33:00.000-08:00

As is the habit of this column at this time of year, we pause to take
a look back, not at world events or notable deaths or achievement in
sport, but at newspaper corrections.

It’s certainly not an attempt to mock the field of journalism. After
all, the profession has kept a roof over the head and food on the
table of this column’s author for a good many years.

Rather, it’s a reminder that in the act of producing hundreds of
millions of words each year, sometimes an error slips through. It
keeps us vigilant but humble.

More importantly, it’s often downright funny.

What follows, then, are the coveted Mea Culpa Awards for 2011, based
on data culled from Internet sources and our own personal collection.

You Say Obama, I Say Osama

It was natural that when troops commanded by Barack Obama killed
Osama bin Laden, confusion would result. But the Sacramento Bee
managed to mangle the names twice. Their correction: “A Washington
Post story on Page A12 on May 2 and a McClatchy Newspapers Washington
Bureau story on Page A13 on May 6 mistakenly used the name Obama
instead of Osama in references to Osama bin Laden.”

Food for Thought

A recipe for honey nut banana muffins included a comment that “you
may want to add a little fried fruit to the mix … to make the flavor
more interesting”. Dried fruit, that should be. The Guardian, U.K.

In a recipe for courgette risotto, one ingredient was “200ml white
wine vinegar”. The result was not ideal. It should have been white
wine. The Guardian.

Chile's Supreme Court has ordered a newspaper to pay $125,000 to 13
people who suffered burns while trying out a published recipe for
churros, a popular Latin American snack of dough fried in hot oil.
Judges determined that the newspaper failed to fully test it before
publication, and that if readers followed the recipe exactly, the
churros had a good chance of exploding once the oil reached the
suggested temperature.

On a page of news briefs, a small photo purported to show “Lady Gaga,
wearing a jewel-encrusted lobster on her head”. A reader notes: “She
is wearing a crayfish.” Of course. The Guardian.

Words, Words, Words

A clue in yesterday’s Quick crossword was “small mollusk”. The answer
sought was shrimp, which is not a mollusk but a crustacean. The
Guardian.

An item in the Extra Bases baseball notebook last Sunday
misidentified, in some editions, the origin of the name Orcrist the
Goblin Cleaver, which Mets pitcher R. A. Dickey gave one of his bats.
Orcrist was not, as Dickey had said, the name of the sword used by
Bilbo Baggins in the Misty Mountains in “The Hobbit”; Orcrist was the
sword used by the dwarf Thorin Oakenshield in the book. (Bilbo
Baggins’s sword was called Sting.) New York Times

Camper Killed By Fumes was corrected because the original referred to
Ysbyty Gwynedd hospital. This is tautologous; “Ysbyty” means hospital
in Welsh. The Guardian.

Confusion Reigns

Last week’s column revealed that I was the third born of the four
Abraham children, which was news to my brothers and sister. For the
record, I was the second born. Eastern Courrier.

Quotations in a story about the Istrouma High School-Broadmoor High
School football game that appeared in The Advocate on Saturday, Oct.
29, were wrongly attributed to Broadmoor coach Rusty Price. The
reporter who wrote the story thought he was interviewing coach Price
after the game. Because the interview subject was not Price, the
reporter is unsure whom he spoke with. Baton Rouge Advocate.

In yesterday’s Western Daily Press we carried a photograph with a
caption referring to the Welsh mezzo-soprano Katharine Jenkins.
Unfortunately a technical error failed to update the picture on the
page before it was printed. We would like to apologize to Miss
Jenkins for any embarrassment caused. The printed picture showed
Conservative MP for Hendon Matthew Offord and his dog Maximus taking
part in the Westminster Dog of the Year event at Victoria. Western
Daily Press, Australia.

Bad Ideas, Badly Executed

A story in Saturday’s Real Deal section suggested that a fun thing to
do for Halloween is to write “poison” on a plastic jar or bottle and
fill it with candy for the kids to eat. A picture that accompanied
the story showed a skull and crossbones image similar to the symbol
used to indicate something is poisonous. The Citizen understands the
need to train children not to touch and never to eat or drink from
bottles or jars with that symbol on it, and it was a lapse in
judgment for us to have suggested otherwise. Ottawa Citizen.

The Skeney Says column in Saturday’s Townsville Bulletin described
her state after receiving surgery at a dental practice on Kings Road.
The line “my cotton-wool-stuffed face squished against the window,
eyes rolled back at them and slack jaw drooling blood down my chin”
was an exaggeration for the purpose of humor and was not intended to
reflect on the services of the surgery. On the contrary, Skene was
treated exceptionally well by the practice through the whole process,
and is sorry for any misunderstanding her piece may have caused.
Townsville Bulletin.

No Typos, Just Bad Reporting

A Comment piece about voting rights for prisoners said that even if
all the inmates of Durham prison turned out and voted in the same way
they could not put a dent in MP Pat Glass’s majority. Indeed they
could not: the prison is not in Glass’s North West Durham
constituency. The Guardian.

On Aug. 3 this year the Daily Mirror published an article regarding
the death of Miss Catherine Zaks, aged 21, in Krakow, Poland. The
article contained claims that Miss Zaks, from Robertsbridge, East
Sussex, abused drugs and had engaged in casual sex following the
break-up of a long-term relationship. Miss Zaks’ parents have pointed
out that these claims are entirely false and that their daughter was
much loved, and of good character. We are happy to set the record
straight and apologize for any distress caused. Daily Mirror, U.K.

An item published in The Australian on Nov.15 (Strewth, “Losing the
threads”, page 13) referred to a report in The Zimbabwe Guardian that
Jacqueline Zwambila, the Zimbabwean ambassador to Australia, stripped
to her underwear in front of three male embassy officials. Ms.
Zwambila denies the allegations, and a governmental investigation in
Zimbabwe has cleared her of any misconduct charges. The Australian
apologizes to Ms Zwambila. The Australian.

There was an error printed in the story titled “Pigs Float Down the
Dawson”…The story, by reporter Daniel Burdon, said “more than 30,000
pigs were floating down the Dawson River.” What…piggery owner Sid
Everingham actually said was “30 sows and pigs,” not “30,000 pigs.
The Morning Bulletin, Australia.

In an article published on The Sun website we incorrectly stated that
Julian Brooker, 23, of Brighton, was blown 15ft into the air after
accidentally touching a live railway line. His parents have asked us
to make clear he was not turned into a fireball, was not obsessed
with the number 23 and didn’t go drinking on that date every month.
Julian’s mother did not say, during or after the inquest, her son
often got on all fours creeping around their house pretending to be
Gollum. The Sun, U.K.

…And This Column’s Personal Favorites

Our panel listing the expected highlights at Glastonbury this summer
catapulted into the festival’s headliners a band not so much obscure
as unknown, even to those expert in Judaic contributions to rock. The
group Frightened Rabbi should have been the Scottish band Frightened
Rabbit. The Guardian.

Otherwise Occupied

2011-12-25T22:28:00.000-08:00

Responding to a plan by the Occupy movement to demonstrate at the
Rose Parade on Jan. 2, the local Tea Party folks decided to join in
the fun, setting up a riveting contest to determine which fringe
group could be the most obnoxious.

It looks, however, that we’ll be spared this ideological pillow fight
on Colorado Boulevard. The Tea Party has opted out.

Maybe they realized that when the other guy looks stupid, there’s
nothing to be gained in looking stupid as well.

Look, I’m in sympathy with some of the aims of the Occupy crowd.
For whatever else they have done, they have made income inequality,
the widening gap between the haves and have-nots and the corrupting
influence of money on politics a part of the national dialogue.

They have made it clear that this nation’s inability to create jobs,
to prevent the wholesale evictions of economic victims from their
homes, to protect citizens from predatory corporate practices is
intolerable.

And they are willing to risk a face full of pepper spray and arrest
to protest it.

Unfortunately, they have failed to move their arguments beyond the
street. And many of their good intentions have been hijacked by
anarchists, aged hippies, druggies, off-the-beaten-path religious
zealots and other assorted chest beaters. The result is a message so
muddled that it has become unclear.

They are at risk of becoming irrelevant. The absolute wrong way to
regroup, however, is to attempt to politicize a hundred thousand
people who show up once a year to smell the roses, listen to the
bands, root for their football teams and enjoy a slice of Americana.

It would be like teaching the catechism to the Taliban.

The plan as of now is to have the Occupy protestors march behind the
rest of the parade as it winds its way through Pasadena. That will
put them smack dab behind a phalanx of police and a line of
mechanized street sweepers whose job it is to clear the streets of
refuse.

The Occupy forces, if history repeats itself, will be joined by a
gaggle of Jesus freaks, Hare Krishnas, animal rights activists,
anti-war protestors and other rebels with a cause who have
traditionally followed the parade, much to the interest of
practically no one.

Oh, sure, the Occupy people will be waving signs along the parade
route. But their main thrust is to carry a “Octupy Octopus,” a puppet
crafted from recycled plastic bags and bamboo that takes 40 people to
operate. According to organizers, it represents Wall Street’s
stranglehold on American politics.

I saw a picture of it on their web site. It looks like a third-grade
art project.

Is this any way to win hearts and minds? It isn’t.

I suspect they are hoping for some TV exposure but I doubt they will
get much unless some militant faction decides to storm the parade
route. And that’s not the kind of exposure this movement needs.

The Occupy movement must define who they are, join with labor unions
and other sympathizers throughout the country to raise money and
support candidates that believe in their values.

It’s called working within the system and it often works. The Tea
Party did it. So can they.

But that can’t do it from a tent on some street corner. And they
can’t do it by embracing disruption as a political tool.

On Turning 70

2011-12-19T14:22:00.000-08:00

"When I was One I had just begun.

When I was Two I was nearly new.

When I was Three I was hardly me.

When I was Four I was not much more.

When I was Five I was just alive.

But now I am Six I'm as clever as clever,

So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever."

- A.A. Milne, "Now We Are Six"

WHEN I was a child, my bedtime literature of choice was anything by A.A. Milne. I enjoyed the adventures of Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin but for reasons lost in the mists of memory, his "Now We Are Six" was my favorite.

I suspect I was impatient to reach that magical age, when you left babyhood behind and began to venture out into the world on voyages of discovery and adventure.

And being 6 was wonderful. It would be another five years before television made an appearance in our house so we spent our waking hours playing outdoors and building elaborate dream worlds. Without TV to render us physically and intellectually immobile, we traveled as far and wide as our imaginations would carry us.

Sure, there were skinned knees and hurt feelings from time to time but we were sheltered by our innocence from the harsh realities of life.

I mention all this because in one more week, I reach another milestone. I will be 70. I am frankly astounded. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was 6 and playing cowboys with the boy down the street. The important things in my life were bikes, baseball gloves and comic books.

I don't feel 70. Friends say I don't look 70. If they did, of course, they would no longer be my friends.

Come to think of it, however, I seem to have a lot more doctor appointments than I used to. I have lost a good 10 yards off my tee shot, gained a few inches around my waist and seemed to forget where I put my keys. So it must be true.

There are no books called "Now We Are 70" that romanticize the path that lies ahead, and no one to read them to you at bedtime. No one wants to remain 70 for ever and ever.

At this age, you try to live each day to its fullest and look back on the journey, trying to make some sense of it all.

On reflection, it's been a wonderful trip.

I was born 18 days after Pearl Harbor. I often wonder how my parents must have felt about bringing a child into a word engaged in a massive war. Were they worried? Were they scared? I never heard them speak of it. But they were made of stern stuff. My mother was abandoned in an orphanage at age 2. My dad never knew his real father. They were married just as the Depression hit.

My life wasn't nearly as tough. My world was living the lyrics of a Beach Boy's song. We surfed, hung out at Bob's Big Boy and took our girlfriends to proms. We were true to our school.

The worst thing that happened to me in high school was flunking out of geometry. Since it was mid-term, I had to find a course to finish out the year. I chose journalism. The rest is history.

Going to college was a slap in the face. I came to realize I had lived my life in a place that kept the rest of the world at arm's length. It wasn't until college that I made friends who were African American or Jewish or Hispanic.

I learned about injustice. I was exposed to cynicism, much of it directed at the middle class from which I came.

It made for a quick transition. Two years after I had been surfing in Newport Beach, I was arrested in a civil rights demonstration on Market Street in San Francisco.

Indeed, to be 70 is to be a part of a generation that fought to bring about the end to racial segregation in this country. It's difficult to imagine now but it wasn't long ago that many American citizens were relegated to second class status, and worse, by law and social attitudes.

Putting those impediments to equality to rest was an epic moment in this country's history. Those of us who took part did so because, simply, it was the right thing to do.

My generation was the first to embrace rock `n' roll. Whatever else you might think about it, rock was exciting and liberating, the pulsating background music to an era of change in this country. Nobody was going to march for justice to the sounds of Bing Crosby.

We weren't the greatest generation, not by a long shot. But we can look back and see that we made a difference.

So here we stand poised on the banks of the River Jordan or the River Styx, depending on how things work out. The sun is still above the horizon but not by much.

But I'm not ready to say goodbye quite yet. Like a 6 year old, I'm still searching for worlds to explore and adventures to be had.

After all, as George Bernard Shaw said, "We don't stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing."

The Primary Problem

2011-12-11T21:50:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure what the Republican National Committee is up to these
days.

But I’m betting that if they don’t get their game face on fairly
soon, they will be on the outside looking in on Election Day, 2012.

So far, the Republican presidential primary looks like it was
scripted by Mel Brooks. Take this week for example.

Newt Gingrich, suddenly breathing the rarefied air of a contender,
does what any serious presidential candidate would do: He travels to
New York to kiss the ring of Donald Trump and seek his blessings.

Are you kidding me? Donald Trump, a political kingmaker? The snarling
billionaire with the bad comb over who stars in really awful reality
shows? Yeah, that’s the guy.

It would be funny except for the scary fact that he may somehow
influence the choice of the next leader of the free world, should
that person be a Republican.

Newt’s not the first candidate to make the pilgrimage to Trump Tower.

Michele Bachmann made an appearance, so did Mitt Romney (although he
refused to be photographed). Herman Cain dropped by as did Rick
Perry. Remember them?

But the wily Donald is withholding his endorsement for the time
being. In fact, he says if he doesn’t see a winner in this bunch he
will run for the presidency himself as an independent.

This is so much hot air, of course. It’s important to remember that
when Trump starts making noises about being president, he usually has
a TV program debuting or a new book out. In this case, his tome,
“Time to Get Tough,” is hitting the stores. Self-promotion is his thing.

Ultimately, this is all about money. Trump has it, the others want
it. Besides, Trump is going to orchestrate a candidate debate at the
end of the month. It would be wise to stay on the good side of a guy
who enjoys yelling, “You’re fired!”

Newt, in the meantime, is having a bad endorsement week. Trump came
down with lockjaw. Cain who has literally and figuratively kissed his
chances goodbye, was going to throw his support to Gingrich but
pulled back at the last moment. Gingrich has had to settle for the
support of Dan Quayle, the former vice president best known as the
man who couldn’t speak straight.

All of this raises some disturbing questions:

Why would Newt want the backing of Cain, an alleged serial womanizer?
Gingrich doesn’t need voters to remember that, in an act of unbridled
hypocrisy, he once carried on an admitted extra-marital affair with a
young staffer while decrying Bill Clinton’s moral shortcomings.

Why would Newt allow Bob Livingston, who resigned as Speaker of the
House when his marital infidelities were exposed, to throw a
fund-raiser for him in Washington, D.C. this week?

What kind of message is the Gingrich-Cain-Livingston team sending to
the country? How about “lock up your wives and daughters.”

Why would Newt want the backing of Trump? As a candidate in the
spring, the Donald experienced one of the quickest falls in recent
political history when he dropped from leading the Republican field
with 26% to 8% in the space of four weeks.

If that’s not enough, a new poll from NBC and Marist College shows
more voters in Iowa and New Hampshire would be turned off by a Trump
endorsement than positively influenced by one.

A story in the Washington Post explains a lot. “Gingrich is
struggling to get out from under a mountain of debt from luxury jets
and other pricey expenses racked up in the early weeks of his
campaign. Creditors say Gingrich has begun paying back nearly $1.2
million in bills he owed at the end of September, and his spokesman
says most will be taken care of by the end of the year...”

In the meantime, Romney has raised $32.6 million while Gingrich has
accumulated $4 milllion. Donald can you spare a dime?

And what about this debate that Trump is staging in Iowa? So far,
four candidates, Romney, Ron Paul, Perry and Jon Huntsman, have sent
their regrets, probably figuring that this particular forum will end
up being A Salute to Donald Trump’s Ego.

So far the participants consist of Newt and Rick Santorum.

Even Republican strategist Karl Rove is appalled. “We've got a guy
who is not only saying 'I'm going to make a decision about who I'm
gonna endorse shortly after this debate and I'm already leaning
someway -- and I may run myself,' and we expect him to be the
impartial moderator of the debate?" he said on Fox News.

All of this has a good chance of being the biggest bust since Geraldo
Rivera opened Al Capone’s vault.

The RNC had better bring order to this chaos if they want their
candidate to have a fighting chance.

A Thorn in the Side of the Rose Bowl

2011-12-05T11:11:00.000-08:00

Peace has returned to the Arroyo Seco. Songbirds are singing, their
voices carried on breezes wafting through the giant oaks, the sun
beams down on happy upturned faces while serenity abounds.

Yes, folks, football season is almost over and the Rose Bowl is
returning to its somnambulant state.

It’s been a great season for the nearby residents of the bowl. The
UCLA Bruins, principal occupants of the stadium, have been so bad
that attendance is dropping by the tens of thousands.

This is just fine with the homeowners who rarely emerge during
football season for fear of being struck by falling property values.

Football games draw crowds and crowds make them unhappy. Many would
be pleased if football was prohibited and the Rose Bowl was turned
into a museum.

Oh sure, they tolerate the Rose Bowl game on New Years. It’s all pomp
and pageantry and princesses, the kind of thing that makes you proud
to be a Pasadenan.

Beyond that? Couldn’t they just go and play somewhere else?

I guess these good people didn’t notice the 100,000-seat stadium when
they moved into the neighborhood.

But all is not happy in Arroyoland. The Rose Bowl, as it has for
years, needs money. They need it for maintenance of a nearly
90-year-old facility, they need it to modernize and stay competitive,
they need it because the stadium actually operates at a loss.

They need money because the stadium by ordinance is limited to 12
events a year that would attract more than 20,000 attendees. And that
impacts the stadium’s revenue stream.

Now, the National Football League is being wooed by Los Angeles city
officials and if the NFL decides to locate a team here, it would need
a place to play while a new stadium is being built to house the pro
team.

Rose Bowl officials would like to see their stadium as that temporary
home. The money such an arrangement would generate could help pay off
a $16 million revenue shortfall in a $150 million renovation project
currently underway.

The neighbors are, predictably, upset despite the fact that the NFL
in L.A. is a long way from reality. This paper reported that the
Linda Vista/Annandale Association's 18-member board "voted
unanimously to oppose any occupancy of the Rose Bowl stadium by the
NFL," citing crowds and the negative impact on the Arroyo’s
recreational activities.

The city sees it a bit differently. “There obviously will be
potential impacts associated with the neighborhood; there will also
be significant economic impacts to the businesses in the community,
to the city's General Fund and to the stadium," City Manager Michael
Beck told this paper. "We have to take into consideration all of
those."

This particular flap highlights the hurdles the Rose Bowl faces to
remain viable.

I did some freelance work for the Rose Bowl several years ago,
writing press releases and consulting as stadium officials launched a
fundraising drive for their renovation project.

That experience left me with two impressions:

(1) Rose Bowl officials bend over backwards to be good neighbors.
Despite the bluster from local homeowners associations, complaints
from residents are taken very seriously and steps are taken to
resolve them to the satisfaction of all concerned. When the
renovation project was launched, Rose Bowl officials reached out to
residents to make them part of the planning process.
(2) Money is always an issue. People think the stadium is rolling in money. It
isn’t. Rose Bowl officials rely on revenue from the Brookside golf
courses to help pay the bills.

Is this any way to treat an icon? If any institution in Pasadena
deserves some love, the Rose Bowl is it.

The stadium’s importance to Pasadena can’t be overstated. The New
Years game itself contributes $58.6 million to the city’s economy,
according to a study by the USC Marshall School of Business.

The Rose Bowl is one of the most recognizable sports facilities in
the world. It’s very existence has elevated Pasadena from just
another Los Angeles suburb to the special status it enjoys now.

Homeowners have every right to protect their property. But there’s a
thin line between self-interest and obstructionism.

If local homeowners fear the NFL, they should help in the
fund-raising efforts to complete the renovation project. Supporting
the Rose Bowl will pay enormous dividends to the city they call home.
And peace will reign in the Arroyo.

The Impossible Dream

2011-11-27T22:09:00.000-08:00

LAST spring, in an attempt to be prophetic and pundit-like, I boldly stated that Republican presidential wanna-be Newt Gingrich had stepped on a political banana peel and fallen flat on his aspirations.

He had, I wrote, "struck out" with the voters.

Why? He kicked off his campaign by apologizing to the religious right for his dubious personal life. He followed that up by denouncing a plan offered by House GOP budget guru Paul Ryan of Wisconsin that would reduce the deficit by $4.4 trillion over 10 years by repealing the Democrat's health care bill and reforming entitlements like Medicare and Medicaid.

Republicans embraced the plan as holy writ. Gingrich called it "right-wing social engineering."

He then engaged in a number of verbal blunders and other assorted personal embarrassments, all within a couple of weeks of his announced candidacy.

He was, it seemed to me, toast.

Now, to my astonishment, I find that a new USA Today/Gallup Poll shows Newt leading the pack of Republican presidential aspirants.

I guess I should retire to the Home for Bewildered Columnists. Except for this:

It's not exactly a runaway. Gingrich is the favorite of 22 percent of the Republicans while Mitt Romney nips at his heels with 21 percent. Herman Cain is still on the leader board with 16 percent. Rick Perry polls at 8 percent.

His numbers appear to be fueled by a large infusion of cash. According to CNN, Gingrich raised more than $3 million since Oct. 1, with most of the money coming from online donations.

That's more than three times the amount Gingrich raised in the entire third fundraising quarter of 2011, when he pulled in just over $800,000. But it's pocket change compared to Romney's war chest of $32 million.

Nonetheless, I'll admit it's quite a comeback.

And what has Newt done to celebrate his return to celebrity status?

At a recent event at Harvard University, Gingrich offered a unique plan to fight poverty: fire school janitors (at least those who belong to a union) and hire children to clean the schools. He then proceeded to explain that child labor laws are "truly stupid" and blamed "the core policies of protecting unionization and bureaucratization" for "crippling" children. He did not announce a plan to reemploy the fired janitors.

This past week he advocated allowing younger workers still decades away from retirement to bypass Social Security and instead choose private investment accounts. His announcement came on a day the stock market plunged nearly 250 points.

He characterized the Congressional Budget Office, a non-partisan entity that provides Congress with information on budgets and the impact that legislation will have on government finances, as a "reactionary socialist institution." Douglas Holtz-Eakin, a former CBO director and Republican, called the Gingrich allegation "ludicrous."

And just this past week, Gingrich said he thinks the collapse of the Congressional super committee "is good for America," and that the country's debt problem can be solved through the regular work of Congress.

He was apparently unaware of a new Quinnipiac University poll that found voters would blame the Republicans more than the Democrats for the committee impasse.

So Newt is doing it again, shooting himself in the foot with goofy political talk. But don't do what I did. Don't write him off quite so fast.

Gingrich could very well find himself as the Republican who challenges President Obama next year simply because his opponents are proving themselves unworthy and falling like so many autumn leaves.

Michele Bachman, Rick Perry and Herman Cain, at one time darlings of the GOP, are fast becoming yesterday's news. Newt, with his congressional experience and tenure as speaker of the House, appears downright statesmanlike compared to the rest of the GOP contenders, who sound like a pack of angry birds.

It's still too early to declare a winner in the GOP selection process.

But if Gingrich can crank up the cash machine and cool the inflammatory and often bizarre rhetoric, he could make the improbable come true.

2011, A Sex Oddity

2011-11-20T17:22:00.000-08:00

Don’t look now, but 2011 is rapidly coming to a close.

Historians will remember it as a year of economic chaos, of tragic
natural disasters worldwide, of the violent deaths of Islamic
terrorist leaders, of revolution for better for worse in the Middle
East, of the passings of Andy Rooney, Al Davis, Steve Jobs, Betty
Ford, Sidney Lumet, Elizabeth Taylor.

It will be recalled as the year of grassroots political muscle,
witness the Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street movements.

It was the year wounded Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords showed the
world the meaning of courage and tenacity. And the year that the rest
of our elected officials showed a lack of same.

But above all else, 2011 was the Year of Sexual Scandal. Consider:

--- Penn State, whose football program under Joe Paterno has been a
bedrock of integrity for some 46 years, appears to have had a dirty
little secret. Jerry Sandusky, the team’s defensive coordinator for
40 years, is arrested and charged with 40 counts of sexual abuse of
young boys over a period of 15 years and the school is accused of
covering up the alleged crimes. In the wake of the scandal, Paterno,
who has more wins than any other coach in history, and college
president Graham Spanier are fired. Athletic director Tim Curley and
school vice president Gary Schultz are charged with failing to report
suspected child-sexual abuse by Sandusky and committing perjury in
their related grand jury testimony.

---Herman Cain, a leading candidate for the Republican presidential
nomination, is accused by several women of sexual harassment while he
was president of the National Restaurant Association, charges that he
denies. But damage has been done and the accusations appear to have
hurt his candidacy, according to polls.

---Arnold Schwarzenegger, bodybuilder turned actor turned governor,
admits to fathering a child with the family housekeeper. He thus
becomes termed out as governor and husband in the same year.

---Anthony Weiner, a New York congressman, is exposed, so to speak,
for sending a a sexually suggestive photograph of himself via his
public Twitter account to an adult woman. After denying he had posted
the image, Weiner admits he had "exchanged messages and photos of an
explicit nature with about six women over the last three years". He
then resigns from Congress.

---David Wu, an Oregon Congressman, resigns his office following
allegations he engaged in “aggressive and unwanted” sexual behavior
with a young woman who is the daughter of a longtime friend and
campaign donor.

---Chris Lee, a New York congressman, is forced to resign his office
when it was disclosed that he has been soliciting at least one
male-to-female transsexual on Craigslist. Claiming to be a
39-year-old divorced lobbyist but using his real name, he uses a
Google Gmail account to send her a shirtless photo taken with his
BlackBerry phone.

---Allison Meyers, who headed a group called the Young Eagles, a GOP
program aimed at cultivating major donors under the age of 45, is
fired by the Republican National Committee for authorizing a $2,000
payment for a night out at the Voyeur, a West Hollywood club that
featured female dancers wearing bondage gear and simulating sex acts.

Throw in the cases of Domonique Straus-Kahn, managing director of the
International Monetary Fund, accused of sexually assaulting a hotel
maid (the case was later dropped) and Italian Prime Minister Silvio
Berlusconi, charged with paying for sex with a 17-year-old belly
dancer called “Ruby the Heart Stealer,” and it seems like a week
didn’t pass without some sort of tawdry revelation.

This has to be some sort of record, although I’m not sure anyone
keeps records on this sort of thing. There must have been something
in the water supply.

Two things we know for sure: (1) This kind of behavior is certainly
nothing new but (2) there’s a lot more “media” out there now with the
advent of cable news, bloggers and so-called citizen journalists.
They all have an insatiable appetite for gossip. And our politicians
and jocks and actors are serial transgressors and thus easy targets.

As a result, we’ve heard a lot this year about high-profile
narcissists who believe the rules don’t apply to them. When they get
caught with their pants down, the story is front page news. People
love to see the mighty take a tumble.

The downside of all this is that with each story, the shock value
diminishes. We have already forgiven President Clinton for the most
egregious sexual scandal in U.S. political history. He is now one of
the most popular people on earth.

Sure, people were stunned by the Penn State scandal, but not because
a coach was accused of molesting children. It was primarily because
Joe Paterno had reached deity status in the sports world.

We may grow weary of scandal. But we must not become immune to it. It
is troubling and it should remain so. We are and should remain angry
and disgusted.

All the people mentioned above left their jobs in disgrace. Let’s see
if our would-be philanderers get the message in 2012.

Job Gibberish

2011-11-06T22:45:00.000-08:00

I used to think the aerospace industry was the repository for exotic
and mystifying job titles.

Entities such as NASA were frequently looking for a few good men (and
women) to work as biocomputation engineers, cognizant engineers,
hazardous robotics specialists, space farming experts, stuff like
that.

Little did I know that my own profession would soon be creating jobs
whose titles defy understanding.

It used to be when you went to work in print journalism you had three
options: reporter, photographer or editor. Or some hybrid thereof.

As an editor I used to jokingly try to humble byline-hungry reporters
by referring to them as “news gathering units.” Little did I know
that description might become reality in the 21st century.

The newsbiz now features positions such as “vice president for
audience,” an “experience editor,” an editor in charge of
“collaboration, transparency and crowdsourcing” and a “video
curator,” according to several journalism trade publications.
Not to mention “headline optimizers” and “story scientists.”
Welcome to the new newsroom.

I’m not sure what these people do. I suspect they hold meetings.
Afterwards, they issue a memo.

Of course, this isn’t the exclusive domain of one profession or
another.

Title hyping is a trend that has been ongoing for some time. Nobody
wants a one-word job any more so employers think up elaborate
descriptions. More often than not, they take the place of a raise.

Thus, lifeguards become “wet leisure assistants” and cooks become
“food expediters.”

My personal favorite is the title used by cemetery
plot salespeople: “Prior need specialists.”

In corporate American, title enhancement runs the gamut from clever
to silly. Receptionists are now “Directors of First Impressions.” The
person in charge of customer relations is now “Chief Excellence
Officer.”

One CEO now calls himself “Founder and Difference Maker.” Another
calls herself “Chief Troublemaker” because “she stirs the pot and
asks if we can do better.”

The spokesperson for Yahoo is titled “Yahoo! Evangelist.” The person
who organizes the annual meeting for Berkshire Hathaway is called
“Director of Chaos.”

According to an article in The Economist, “paper boys are ‘media
distribution officers,’ lavatory cleaners are ‘sanitation
consultants,’ sandwich-makers at Subway have the phrase ‘sandwich
artist’ emblazoned on their lapels.

“Even the normally linguistically pure French have got in on the act:
cleaning ladies are becoming ‘techniciennes de surface’ (surface
technicians).”

Some titles won’t even fit on a business card. The BBC has a “vision
controller of multiplatform and portfolio” while the American Cancer
Society features a “manager of futuring and innovation-based
strategies.”
Get high enough up on the food chain and titles follow you from
birth.

Great Britain’s recently married Prince William is His Royal Highness
Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge, Earl of
Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus and Royal Knight Companion of the
Most Noble Order of the Garter. His wife, the former Kate Middleton, is now simply Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge.

When it comes to titles, nobody can top North Korea’s Kim Jong-iL. We
may know him as a member in good standing of the Axis of Evil.
But back home in Pyongyang, he is known as Supreme Commander at the
Forefront of the Struggle Against Imperialism and the United States,
Greatest Saint Who Rules with Extensive Magnanimity, Lode Star of the
Twenty-First Century, Perfect Picture of Wisdom and Boldness, Eternal
Bosom of Hot Love, Master of Literature, Arts, and Architecture,
Humankind’s Greatest Musical Genius, Guardian Deity of the Planet,
Heaven-Sent Hero and the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived. Among other
things.

I can’t match that. I’m just a Written Word Crafting Engineer.

Adios, Rick

2011-10-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

You're the governor of a large state and you badly want to become president. In fact, you believe God has called upon you to pursue the office.

The incumbent president is on his heels, facing approval ratings of only 41 percent.

The opposition for your party's nomination looks weak. An ex-pizza salesman who has never held office; an aging libertarian; a former Massachusetts governor who's about as exciting as, well, a Mormon; a Minnesota congresswoman whose sanity has been questioned; a former House speaker whose time has long ago come and gone.

It looks like clear sailing. You've got money and you've got the national spotlight focused squarely on you.

And if you're Texas Gov. Rick Perry, you blow it. You fumble on the goal line. You dribble the ball off your foot.

You call Social Security a "Ponzi scheme," accuse Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke of treason, call global warming a hoax and question President Obama's patriotism while expressing sympathy with Texans who want to secede from the Union.

Your immigration policies don't set well with conservatives who also are horrified that you signed legislation that would require vaccination among Texas schoolgirls for HPV.

Moderates question your position criticizing the federal government's right to collect income taxes and support for amending the Constitution to set a nationwide policy on social issues by prohibiting abortion and same-sex marriage.

And faster than you can say "adios, Rick," you find yourself in fifth place among Republican presidential candidates after leading the pack a month ago.

It's time to cowboy up.

So you decide to unveil your economic plan. And what is it? Why, the old flat tax saw that has been largely discredited as unworkable since the Reagan administration. But, hey, it's the basis for Herman Cain's goofy 9-9-9 plan so why not give it a try?

Your plan would set a flat rate of 20 per cent and eliminate estate and investment taxes, which should please the monied set. It also would restrict the federal budget to no more than 18 per cent of the gross domestic product, forcing drastic cuts in government spending at every level.

Your vision was analyzed by Roberton Williams, a senior fellow at the nonpartisan Urban-Brookings Tax Policy Center, who told the New York Times: "There are two things we can say with certainty: It will lower revenue and be a great benefit to the wealthy."

It puts cuts to Medicare and Social Security into play, even though that will be a tough sell to an aging voter base.

And worse, every lobbyist from the Pacific to the Potomac would descend upon Washington to make sure the loopholes, dodges and favored treatment their clients receive under the current tax code would remain in place.

On the other hand, you have secured the blessings of Steve Forbes who thinks the flat tax is the answer to all our prayers. You remember Forbes. He ran for the Republican presidential nomination on the flat tax ticket in 1996 and 2000 and failed miserably. It might be an endorsement you want to forget.

Then, just as you're unveiling your economic plan, you tell an interviewer that there just might be something to this "birther" argument, the theory that President Obama was actually born in Africa and therefore is not an American citizen and ineligible to be president.

It's been dismissed as the delusional fantasy of the political lunatic fringe but, after conferring with your buddy Donald Trump, you decide to trot out the issue again.

Which caused GOP strategist Karl Rove to take you to the woodshed:

"You associate yourself with a nutty view like that, and you damage yourself. And I know he went and he's trying to cultivate -- as all of them are -- Donald Trump, in order to get his endorsement, but this is not the way to go about doing it, because it starts to marginalize you in the minds of some of the people whom you need in order to get the election," he said. "There's a simple answer. Yes, he was born in the United States, yes, he is eligible to serve, and don't associate yourself with sort of this nutty fringe group."

Unfortunately for you, Rick, that horse has already left the barn.

If your idea of revitalizing your campaign is to saddle up with Steve Forbes and Donald Trump, well then Gov. Perry, happy trails to you.

We won't be seeing you next fall.

Dead Man Walking

2011-10-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

Halloween is right around the corner and it’s time to think seriously
about this year’s costume.

Who can I impersonate? Charlie Sheen? Rupert Murdoch? Prince William?
Anthony Weiner? Frank McCourt?

How about an iPhone? A drone? A Chevy Volt?

Personally, I will forgo all these flavor-of-the-month choices and
instead dress as an icon so ingrained in our national culture that it
has at once fascinated and terrified young and old alike.

No, I don’t mean Rush Limbaugh.

I speak of another nightmare-inducing character, the Zombie.
The lurching, brain-eating, flesh-deprived living dead have been
around for a long time, a gift to the world from Haitian voodoo
practices.

But they emerged into pop culture status sometime around the end of
the 20th Century.

Many attribute (or blamed) the appearance of zombies in prime time to
George Romero’s classic 1968 cult movie “Night of the Living Dead.”
Made for a scant $114,000 and dismissed by critics as so much trash,
it went on to gross more than $30 million and spawned a number of
sequels.

That opened the floodgates. Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video gave
the zombie community a big boost as did the movies “I Am Legend” and
“28 Days Later.”

In 2006, renown horror novelist Stephen King published “ Cell,”
described as a tale about a young artist on a trek from Boston to
Maine in hopes of saving his family from a worldwide zombie outbreak
created by "The Pulse", a global electromagnetic phenomenon that
turns the world's cellular phone users into bloodthirsty, zombie-like
maniacs.

There’s a storyline that works on so many levels.

A book called “The Zombie Survival Guide” made the New York Times
best seller list recently and today we have two TV series, “Death
Valley” on MTV and “Walking Dead” on AMC, that are g-rated (for
ghoul). There are at least 20 zombie movies reportedly in production
this year.

It’s clearly a great time to be undead.

So why are we so fascinated with zombies? Vampires, at least
recently, are portrayed as darkly handsome, even swashbuckling and
sexy.

Zombies are basically disgusting, shambling about in various stages
of decay. When I think of zombies I think of people in line at a DMV
office. Or myself before I have coffee in the morning.

One explanation is that many books and films cast zombies as the
unwitting victims of science run amok, a rogue virus or experiment
gone wrong, leading to our destruction. It’s not an unfounded fear.

Then there’s this: “The construct of the zombie — the mindless
stumbling about — feels increasingly like our world,” said Steven
Schlozman, of Harvard Medical School and author of a zombie novel.
“...What we increasingly characterize as modernity is increasingly
disconnected and disembodied. It feels zombie-like.”

That’s all well and good but the fact of the matter is we all love a
good scare and zombies fill the bill.

They come in droves and although they can be killed with a shot to
the head, the fallen are replaced by dozens more, stumbling toward
you, arms outstretched, mindless. How many dead are there? Billions?
I don’t like the odds.

As blogger Ben Croshaw wrote, “ To our ‘us’ they are eternally
‘them.’ No redeeming qualities, no moral ambiguity.”

What makes them particularly scary is that, except for some cosmetic
difficulties, they look much like us. Just a bunch of friends and
neighbors and relatives who want to dine on our brains. Not a
pleasant way to go.

As for me, my time as a zombie will be short-lived. Too many people
take this stuff seriously.

Politics, Bought and Paid For

2011-10-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

The president's job bill, introduced with great fanfare at a joint meeting session of Congress last month, went down to defeat with a resounding thud this past week. Much to no one's surprise.

Democrats say it's because the GOP opposed the bill for political reasons: they wanted the economy to remain in bad shape.

Republicans, in an opinion voiced by Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell, said that "Democrats have designed this bill to fail - they've designed their own bill to fail - in the hope that anyone who votes against it will look bad."

Instead of leadership, we get what sounds like a playground spat.

So goes the spirit of compromise and concern for the greater good as the nation teeters on the precipice of an economic emergency.

Looking on are 14 million unemployed Americans who must feel as though they are engaged in a game of chess with Death. There's no way they can win.

It is no wonder that protests are erupting on all sides of the political spectrum while respect for our leaders has fallen to an alarming low.

Can President Obama or Mitt Romney or Herman Cain or Ron Paul stem the tide of anger in this country? Do they stand for real change? The skepticism is palpable.

And how have the grass-roots movements that have emerged recently approached this problem?

The tea party activists claim their members support reduced government spending, opposition to taxation in varying degrees, reduction of the national debt and federal budget deficit and adherence to an originalist interpretation of the United States Constitution.

All well and good, but it's hard to understand how this philosophy will undo the real problem facing the country: The corrupting influence of money in our political process in which our elected representatives are beholden to big-time donors and influence-peddling lobbyists.

This isn't checks and balances. It's gridlock. Don't expect common sense and compromise when both parties are errand boys for special interests.

And don't ask the tea party. They remain silent on the issue.

The message of the Occupy Wall Street protesters gets lost in the gaggle of causes that dot the movement: everything from the jobless and the truly concerned about that to anti-war activists, anarchists and Marxists.

But one point worth noting, as articulated by blogger Glenn Grenwald: "Does anyone really not know what the basic message is of this protest: that Wall Street is oozing corruption and criminality and its unrestrained political power - in the form of crony capitalism and ownership of political institutions - is destroying financial security for everyone else?"

If the Occupy Wall Street forces accomplish nothing else, they have struck a chord that resonates with the American public.

Public animosity toward the country's major financial institutions is on par with the deep negativity aimed at Washington, according to a new Washington Post-ABC News poll.

Public distrust of the federal government is growing, and well documented. In the new poll, more than two-thirds of Americans say they view Washington unfavorably, including nearly half who hold "strongly" unfavorable impressions, the poll said.

But there's just as much negativity directed at Wall Street financial institutions. Fully 70 percent of those polled view such firms unfavorably, with strongly unfavorable mentions outnumbering strongly favorable ones by 8 to 1.

So much for the view that the Wall Street protesters are a bunch of unkempt hippies looking for a handout. Or "law-breaking troublemakers," in the words of tea party activists, who apparently forgot their organization was named after an incident that had its fair share of property destruction and civil disobedience.

Where will this all end? I remember watching anti-Vietnam war demonstrations in the early '60s that consisted of a couple of dozen placard-waving students. It seemed sincere but innocent.

That movement soon grew to one that by 1967 attracted 100,000 protesters at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., and was responsible for the most divisive political drama of the late 20th century.

The Occupy Wall Street movement is as real and potentially game-changing as the anti-war activism of the '60s and '70s.

History could repeat itself if our elected representatives don't understand that their political gamesmanship and allegiance to those who have the financial means to buy it must end.

Post Mortems

2011-10-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

Questions we were asking ourselves this week:

Does anyone really care about Hank Williams Jr.'s redneck political views? Is Chris Christie too fat to ever be president? How soon until Amanda Knox appears on "Dancing With the Stars"? How many shopping days until Christmas?

Weighty issues all, and ones this column chooses to ignore, at least for now.

Instead, we offer a little humor courtesy of the Washington Post, a paper not usually known for levity. After all, the federal government is its neighborhood beat and it's hard to laugh through clenched teeth.

It seems the Post has an ongoing feature called the Style Invitational. It all started in 1993, when editors asked readers to come up with a less offensive name for the Washington Redskins. The winner suggested Baltimore Redskins.

The Invitational recently included a contest in which readers were invited to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter and supply a new definition.

The results are both clever in their execution and descriptively accurate. Consider:

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

But wait, there's more.

Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly: Impotent.

Negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

Rectitude: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Circumvent: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Another contest asked readers to make up a word that has three consecutive letters in alphabetical order.

Among the entries:

Coughin: A small enclosure designed especially for smokers.

Mno: The kind of response that makes you want to ask her again.

Noplow: Washington, D.C.'s, snow emergency plan.

In other forms of humor, a contest challenged readers to add novel similes to the "men are like...," "women are like..." genre.

The top winners:

Women are like flashlights: Ones with two D's aren't always the brightest, but they'll do when the lights go out.

Men are like Swiss army knives: No matter how useful they appear, they mostly just pick teeth and open beer bottles.

Teenagers are like a freshly bottled wine: They might be palatable seven years from now.

Men are like the TV yule log: They're easy to turn on, but you're not going to get much warmth out of them.

Who knew there was such humor in Washington?

Coffee Talk

2011-10-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

I've never been a big Starbucks fan, first and foremost because I'm not a coffee addict.

If I do crave a jolt of java, I want a plain old Cup of Joe, not a soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha frappe topped with espresso shots and made from beans grown by monks on a small volcanic atoll in the Pacific.

Besides, if they don't give you a free refill, I'm not interested.

Then there's my adverse reaction to massive chain operations that plunk down a store on each and every street corner. I'm told that in downtown Los Angeles, in a rectangle formed by Figueroa, 3rd, Olive, and 5th, an area less than a third of a mile on its long side and less than a quarter mile on its short side, there are nine Starbucks. I believe it.

The company was audacious enough to open a store in Beijing's 587-year-old Forbidden City several years ago until protests by the citizenry concerned with preserving their culture closed it down.

It would be like selling lattes in the Lincoln Memorial.

But I've recently become a convert to Starbucks and it happened without one drop of their product touching my lips.

My conversion came courtesy of Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, who like many of us, is angry with the political gridlock in Washington and the effect it is having on the American people and the economy.

Writing in a recent issue of Newsweek, Schultz outlined a plan of action to shake things up in language that is both bold and refreshing for a corporate leader.

"I've recently persuaded more than 100 top executives to sign a two-part pledge," Schultz said. "First, they'll make no political donations until there's a courageous, long-term, bipartisan debt and financial security plan that addresses both entitlements and revenues; second, they'll commit to continue making investments that accelerate job growth.

"Why would I turn to activism?" he wrote. "Because, like so many Americans, I'm outraged. Four billion dollars was spent during the 2008 election cycle, and an estimated $5.5 billion will be spent for 2012. Meanwhile, people are out of work, the economy continues to founder and nothing is getting done in Washington.

"This is no longer a crisis of leadership. It's an emergency. The lack of cooperation and irresponsibility among elected officials today, as they have put partisan agendas before the people's agenda, is stunning and outrageous.

"Just think about what all that campaign money could do for the education system, for the social services that our politicians are poised to cut.

"Just think about how the petty bickering in the halls of Congress has degraded the brand reputation of America around the world," Schultz wrote. "This might be the kind of leadership we have come to expect, but it's not what we deserve.

"...I've heard from thousands of Americans I've never met, expressing support and gratitude. Like-minded business leaders have committed to doing what we can to ignite job creation, regardless of what's taking place in Washington.

"At the very least, we can work to inspire confidence to counteract the damage our ostensible leaders are doing inside the Beltway. In other words, we need to unleash an upward spiral of confidence that reverses the cycle of fear and uncertainty plaguing our country."

I suggested in a column last week that our elected representatives should have their pay and benefits cut unless they pass meaningful legislation dealing with jobs and the economy, admittedly a real longshot since they would have to vote to punish themselves.

Schultz scores a bull's-eye by attacking contributions, a mainstay of political survival. And as a longtime contributor to the Democratic Party, he's putting his money where his mouth is: no donations to President Obama who he has financially supported in the past.

Joining him in this effort are some notable giants of industry including Tim Armstrong, chairman and CEO of AOL; Millard Drexler, chairman and CEO of the J. Crew Group; Warren Bennis, founding chairman of the Leadership Institute at USC; Dan DiMicco, chairman and CEO of Nucor Corp.; Bob Greifeld, CEO of NASDAQ; Kevin Johnson, CEO of Juniper Networks; Duncan Niederauer, CEO of the New York Stock Exchange; Walter Robb, CEO of Whole Foods; Myron Ullman, CEO of JC Penney and Co. and many others.

So far, 22,269 people who agree have taken the pledge to withhold campaign contributions, according to Schultz's website, Upward Spiral2011.

That's not a tidal wave. Yet. But with another six months of congressional ineptitude, it might become

The Case for a Congressional Pay Cut

2011-09-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

While the rhetoric in Washington is making the transition from subdued to spit-in-your-face, the bare-knuckled saloon brawl that passes for our country's legislative process is in full swing again.

And once again it promises to disgust people of every political stripe who dare to watch.

Welcome to another season of take-no-prisoners ideological combat.

You would think the White House and Congress, faced with approval ratings that rank only slightly above cancer and terrorism, would make some sort of magnanimous gesture to assure the American people that they share the pain caused by our faltering economy. And that this is the time for deeds, not words.

But we get none of that.

So I propose a plan that could prod our elected officials into doing something meaningful: When they speak of downsizing government, slashing spending and bold action to reduce the deficit, they can begin by looking into the mirror.

The plan I have in mind would end the disconnect between our representatives and their unemployed, foreclosed on, barely-making-ends-meet constituents by cutting congressional pay and benefits.

Such a proposal would probably fall short of eliminating gridlock in Washington but it just might spur Congress to action if members share in the consequences of the prolonged economic downturn that they apparently are incapable of resolving.

The jobless rate rises? The national debt grows? The issue is treated as
nothing more than a political football? Hit them in the pocketbook. And keep hitting them until the problem is resolved.

A few brave congressional souls agree.

Sen. Sherrod Brown, an Ohio Democrat, for example, introduced the Shared Retirement Sacrifice Act of 2011, which would require lawmakers to wait until the age of 66 to collect their pensions. Currently, lawmakers can retire as early as 50 with a full pension depending on how long they served.

"The reason I introduced my bill ... on this shared sacrifice in terms of retirement age is I hear lots of members of Congress ... say we should raise the retirement age for Social Security," Brown told CNN.

Brown points to the fact that a member of Congress who gets elected at 35 and retires at 55 can draw a pretty good pension then while other Americans can't draw Social Security benefits until they reach 66.

"So, my thought there was that members of Congress should not be able to get their pension, no matter how many years of service they had; they should get no pension until any earlier than a Social Security beneficiary should get theirs," he said.

Brown pointed out that it's important that lawmakers "sort of align as much as possible their lives with the people who we represent, so we understand things better and, you know, we still make more money than most people, of course."

Others are fighting this good fight with mixed results.

Rep. Jaime Herrera Beutler, R-Wash., has found it difficult to drum up interest in her bill to cut the pay of members, the president and the vice president by 10 percent. The measure has just one co-sponsor.

"It's more uphill than I expected," she was quoted as saying. "To me it seemed like a no-brainer idea."

Reps. H. Morgan Griffith, R-Va., and Mike Coffman, R-Colo., also have measures that would cut lawmakers' pay by 10 percent beginning in 2013. And Coffman's bill would implement a massive furlough program, requiring most executive-branch workers to take two weeks of mandatory unpaid leave in 2012.

Then there are the bills that would tie lawmakers' pay to whether they do their job. According to the Washington Post, Rep. Randy Hultgren's, R-Ill., legislation would mandate that if Congress has not completed all of its appropriations bills by the start of the fiscal year on Oct. 1, then members' paychecks would be held in escrow until they finish their work.

While this may make it appear that the fresh breeze of common sense is wafting through the halls of Congress, similar legislation has been introduced 25 times since 1973 by lawmakers on both sides of the aisle, but only once has such a proposal made it out of committee, according to published reports. That bill, introduced by Sen. Don Nickles, R-Ok., never got a floor vote.

Apparently, sharing in sacrifice is an alien concept in Washington.

Putting a cap on congressional pay and perks is not a new idea. Ben Franklin suggested at the Constitutional Convention that members serve without pay. The idea was rejected by the Founder Fathers and although congressional service was part-time in the nation's first 100 years, it has been a full-time job since.

Not everybody, however, believes cutting congressional perks is a good idea.

Wrote author Robert J. Spitzer: "Every member of Congress has a hand on the tiller of our ship of state. It is as important a job as one can envision, and their pay should not be the whipping boy for our frustrations with the inherent difficulty of their jobs and the intractability of our problems ... we must admit that at least some of the contempt citizens hold for Congress is in truth a reflection of ourselves."

Noble words but it ignores the fact that most major corporations and businesses of every size in this country reward employees on the quantity and quality of work performed.

Why not hold our elected representatives to the same standard? Can't you just see the headlines now? "Congressional pay slashed because of legislative ineptitude."

We can dream, can't we?

Read more: http://www.pasadenastarnews.com/opinions/ci_18972641#ixzz1Z1mOVtlq

Deep Fried

2011-09-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

Years ago, when I was a fresh-faced editor at a large downtown
metropolitan newspaper, I asked a grizzled veteran reporter to do a
story on the L.A. County Fair.

It wasn’t the greatest story idea I ever pulled out of my back
pocket. Indeed, newspapers large and small in Southern California
seem somehow obligated to do county fair stories each and every year.

Seeking some originality, I told Grizzled Reporter to do a story on
the logistics of the thing, how many people does it take to stage a
giant fair, who are they, how much of the rural flavor remains. That
kind of thing.

He glared at me over the rims of his glasses and said, “It’s all
about food.” He proceeded to gruffly explain, maybe lecture is a
better word, that people go to county fairs to eat. Everything else
is secondary.

And he proceeded to do a story about fair food, my suggestions
notwithstanding.

It was then it became clear to me why the fair gets more attention
from the media than a presidential news conference.

Reporters love a free meal. It’s a tradition that dates back to when
they got paid next to nothing. Now they make slightly more than that.

Most of them would cover a press conference introducing a new brand
of mouthwash if there was a buffet involved. I once had a framed
poster in my office showing a reporter in a fedora hat saying, “I’m
with the press. Where’s the food?”

The County Fair, of course, is the greatest spread going. And
reporters cover it like mustard on a corn dog. After all, you can’t
write about fair food without sampling it. The media generously
underwrites this effort.

The hot topic these days is the proliferation of vendors devoted to
totally irresponsible eating.

In an era when even the cereal box is made of whole grains and three
ounces of yogurt in considered lunch, the fair has become a place to
get in touch with your inner Neanderthal.

Just look at the chest-pain inducing, artery clogging , stomach
rumbling entrees available at the L.A. County Fair this year.

A company called The Ranch is offering a bacon cheeseburger for your
dining pleasure. But not just any bacon cheeseburger. This one is
deep fried.

For dessert, wander over to Fair Fix for a deep fried banana split.

If you get the feeling that deep fried cuisine is a hot item, you
would be correct.

Among the other offerings are deep fried candy bars, deep fried
cheesecake, deep fried mocha cake, deep fried Pop Tarts, deep fried
pickle dogs and deep fried Kool –Aid.

Not to your liking? How about macaroni and cheese on a stick,
chocolate covered bacon, pork chop on a stick or something called a
Mile Long Chili Dog.

L.A. County is not alone in offering the latest in cardiac cuisine.
Consider these offerings from various state fairs:

In Texas, they line up for Chicken Fried Bacon and wash it down with
deep fried Coca-Cola. Minnesotans like their spaghetti and meatballs
on a stick while in Iowa they chow down on something called a hot
beef sundae.

Indiana features Pizza Cones and a pork parfait while in
Kansas you can wrap your hands around a Krispy Kreme burger, an
all-beef patty, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and mayo in between two
glazed doughnuts.

The ultimate in fair food? Try the deep fried butter next time you’re
in Texas.

I wonder if they display warning signs, like “please consume
responsibly.” I’ll bet they don’t.

Aside from good old down-home gluttony, why on earth do we eat this
stuff?

Leave it to the high-minded New York Times to offer an explanation.
It’s all about “decision fatigue.”

According to a Times article, no matter how rational and high-minded
you try to be, you can’t make decision after decision without paying
a biological price. It’s different from ordinary physical fatigue —
you’re not consciously aware of being tired — but you’re low on
mental energy.

The more choices you make throughout the day, the article says, the
harder each one becomes for your brain, and eventually it looks for
shortcuts. One shortcut is to become reckless: to act impulsively
instead of expending the energy to first think through the
consequences.

OK, that works for me. Now pass me that deep fried Pepto-Bismol on a
stick.

The Voices of 9/11

2011-09-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

The voices of 9/11. May we never become deaf to them.

“Something is wrong. We are in a rapid descent... we are all over the
place. ... I see water. I see buildings. We are flying low. We are
flying very, very low. We are flying way too low. ... Oh my God, we
are way too low... Oh my God, we're “ -Flight attendant Madeline Amy
Sweeney, at the end of her phone call to a supervisor describing the
hijacking of American Airlines Flight 11.

"We're young men, we're not ready to die." – Kevin Cosgrove on the
105th floor of the South Tower moments before it collapsed.

"The floor is completely engulfed. We're on the floor, and we can't
breathe, and it's very, very, very hot… I'm going to die, I know it.
Please, God, no. It's so hot, I'm burning up." - Melissa Doi, 83rd
floor, South Tower

"Please do not give up, Melissa. Oh, my God. Melissa. Melissa.
Melissa." - 911 operator

“'Kris, there's been an explosion. We're trapped in a room. There's
smoke coming in. I don't know what's going to happen. I want you to
know my life has been so much better and richer because you were in
it.’ He said, ‘I love you’ and he said goodbye. I think he had been
crying, but he stayed strong for me.” - Kris McFarren, on a phone
call from her fiancée Bradley Vadas who died in the South Tower.

"Hi, this is the captain. I would like you all to remain seated.
There is a bomb on board and are going back to the airport, and to
have our demands [INAUDIBLE]. Please remain quiet." - Hijacker aboard
United Flight 93 which crashed near Shanksville, Pa.

“Are you guys ready? Let’s roll.” - Passenger Todd Beamer on Flight
93 as passengers stormed the cockpit to battle the hijackers.

“After his appearance with the workers at the site, President Bush
met privately with some of the victims' families. That was the most
gut-wrenching of all.... Not one person the president talked to
thought their missing relatives were dead. Not one.” - Ari Fleisher,
White House press secretary.

“I question, why not me, and leave my son? I mean, I would have
switched. ... I asked God in the beginning, ‘If you could give me
this one, I would appreciate it.’ But He had nothing to do with
this...He was fighting evil that day, like He does every day. -
Bernie Heeran, New York city firefighter who lost a son in the World
Trade Center.

“They say the planes hit the building somewhere in the 92nd to the
101st floor. It's terrible to think that 2,000 gallons of petrol
burned through the building, totally scorching my daughter to death.
Our son-in-law, Nurul, worked on the 93rd floor. We were hoping that
he might have just barely survived. I pray to Allah that if they
survive, let them both survive. If they have to die, let them both go
to Allah together. What was Allah's wish? My daughter and her husband
both went to Allah together.” - Sharif Choudhury, insurance agent.

“When I looked out that window, towards the Statue of Liberty, and I
saw that plane coming towards me, I was numb. This monstrous plane
looking at me, like, ‘I'm taking you.’ Part of the 82nd floor
collapsed. All of the walls were knocked flat. I was screaming!
Crying! And praying out loud, ‘Lord! Help me! Please! Send
somebody!’... I felt like this strange force came over me. This power
that I've never felt before. And I looked at this wall and I started
to hit and punch and kick. And I busted a little hole. And Brian
said, "I see your hand!" - Stanley Praimnath, loan officer.

“And I heard this, ‘Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
...Help! Help!’ And I was able to grab onto something, whether it was
his collar or we locked arms, I'm not sure, and then I lifted him
out. And we fell on a heap on the floor, and we introduced ourselves.
And he said, ‘Oh! Hallelujah! I'm Stanley!’ And I said, ‘My name is
Brian. We might be friends for life!’ And then I said, ‘Come on,
let's go. Let's get out of here.’ - Brian Clark, banker.

“I think God could have just ended this all. That's why I feel
strongly that I'm losing respect for Him. ..So I look at Him now as a
barbarian… and it's a sad situation. I think I am a good Christian,
but I have a different view and image of Him now and I can't replace
it with the old image.” - Tim Lynston, security guard

“I don't know how people could get through this without faith." -
Rosaleen Tallon who lost her brother in the Twin Towers attacks.

“Today, we gather to be reassured that God hears the lamenting and
bitter weeping of Mother America because so many of her children are
no more...Let us also pray for divine wisdom as our leaders consider
the necessary actions for national security...that as we act, we not
become the evil we deplore.” - Rev. Nathan Baxter, dean of Washington
National Cathedral.

"We will find those who did it. We will smoke them out of their
holes. We'll get them running, and we'll bring them to justice."
–President George Bush.

“Tonight I can report to the American people and the world that the
United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin
Laden...Americans understand the costs of war. Yet as a country, we
will never tolerate our security being threatened, nor stand idly by
when our people have been killed. We will be relentless in defense of
our citizens and our friends and allies. We will be true to the
values that make us who we are. And on nights like this one, we can
say to those families who have lost loved ones to al Qaeda’s terror:
Justice has been done.” – President Barack Obama.

The Football Feast

2011-09-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

“Behold the tailgate party. The pinnacle of human achievement. Since
the dawn of parking lots, man has sought to stuff his guts with food
and alcohol in anticipation of watching others exercise.” ---Homer
Simpson

If there’s a better place on earth to tailgate on a fall football
Saturday than the Rose Bowl, I have yet to find it.

No trash strewn, heat radiating asphalt parking lots for this fan.
Give me a spot on the Brookside golf course, under a sprawling oak
tree, with good food and good companionship. It’s enough to make
watching a mediocre UCLA football team seem almost pleasant.

In fact, at the Rose Bowl, and at many college games, tailgating is
THE event, football be damned.

That’s why people camp out in the Arroyo and never enter the stadium.
They’ll eat, drink and commune with nature while listening to the
game on radio or watching it on TV.

That’s why some people arrive eight hours before game time. Many
bring elaborate cooking gear and what appears to be the entire
contents of their living rooms to stage elaborate feasts.

Talk about all the comforts of home: I’ve seen guys with satellite
dishes running off portable generators to enhance the TV viewing
experience. I once saw a guy with his own porta-potty towed on a
trailer behind his car. I’ve seen RVs that look like the presidential
suite at a Four Seasons hotel on wheels.

I’ve seen brats and beer, I’ve seen linen and silver.

I’ve seen gracious visiting fans (Alabama) and obnoxious ones
(Oklahoma).

But after being engaged in the Rose Bowl tailgating ritual for 28
years, I can truthfully say I haven’t experienced a single incident
where my enjoyment was ruined by unruly fans. Not one.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t trouble occasionally. People drink.
Sometimes they get rowdy. It’s a football game, not a fashion show.

Pasadena police say they average nine arrests at each game, six for
being drunk in public, three for ticket scalping. So that’s six
belligerent boozers out of a crowd of between 60,000-80,000 people.

Statistically, you’re not going to see a lot of bad behavior.

Now, however, because of one ugly incident that occurred last year
before a UCLA-USC game in which two people were stabbed, Rose Bowl
officials are acting like they’re dealing with a Hell’s Angels beer
bash.

Starting this season, alcohol consumption is now banned in all
tailgating sections after kickoff, and the parking lots will open to
the public six hours before kickoff instead of eight.

Loud music, music with inappropriate language and drinking out of
glass containers are also prohibited (which means if I want to enjoy
a glass of nice pinot noir, I’ll have to consume it skid row style
out of a paper bag or, worse, a plastic cup).

Playing of games that involve the consumption of alcohol or use of
alcohol-related paraphernalia are prohibited. (Paraphernalia? I
assume that means my corkscrew in addition to my wine glass. The
season hasn’t even started and I’m in danger of becoming a
three-strike violator).

The parking lots will be patrolled by Pasadena police and by
green-clad "tailgating ambassadors" on bikes who will “provide
information and assistance and to ensure that tailgaters comply with
established guidelines.”

Ambassadors? Please. These are rent-a-cops who are there to make sure
you toe the line.

This was inevitable, I suppose, given recent acts of fan violence at
Candlestick Park in San Francisco and Dodger Stadium where tailgating
bans didn’t save Bryan Stow from a savage beating.

But the restrictions here are an overreaction. Bruin tailgaters are
so laid back they would probably get out-partied by BYU.

Call me a homer but I really resent Rose Bowl football fans being
lumped in with a bunch of sociopathic NFL jerks or the goons who have
taken up residence at Dodger games.

Yeah, we had a problem at the Rose Bowl and the guy responsible is
doing 15 years in state prison.

Unfortunately, one of the victims has filed a lawsuit, asking the
taxpayers of Pasadena to cough up $25 million to alleviate his pain
and suffering.

More than the act of violence itself, that’s what has led to these
restrictions.

Let’s hope for continued good behavior at the Rose Bowl. If there is,
“restrictions” and “ambassadors” will be unnecessary.

A Few Days Off

2011-08-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

The "Wake Up America!" set - consisting of boisterous bloggers, caustic commentators, pontificating political opportunists and whacko wing nuts - has been in full fury recently because President Obama engaged in an activity they found deeply disturbing.

He went on vacation.

Self-appointed critics of every stripe whined that Obama should be at his Oval Office desk 24/7 working on an economic recovery plan. Or that he should have called Congress back into session to assist him.

Just what we need: an instant replay of the debt ceiling debacle that would lower government approval levels to single digits.

Wisely, the President ignored this babble, packed up his family and fled to Martha's Vineyard, where the Obamas spent $50,000 of their own money - big bucks for an alleged socialist - to rent an estate for 10 days.

And why not?

First and foremost, he didn't disappear into the north woods. The White House travels with the President whether he's in Martha's Vineyard or Toad Suck, Arkansas. His military, economic and political advisors are there to brief him each and every day. The nuclear football is always nearby.

Second, it's not for nothin' that every politician on The Hill flees town in August when the district is a steaming cauldron of heat and humidity. Think Guatemala with monuments.

Third, every First Family needs to occasionally escape the confines of the White House, a place President Truman once called "the crown jewel of the American penal system." We forget that Obama, or any president for that matter, is also a husband and a father who needs time to reconnect with his wife and children.

The only thing I don't understand is why the President has embraced golf as a form of relaxation, a game more frustrating than dealing with a room full of gimlet-eyed Republicans.

Last but not least, President Obama has taken 61 vacation days after 31 months in office, according to CBS. At this point in their presidencies, George W. Bush had spent 180 days at his ranch where his staff often joined him for meetings. And Ronald Reagan had taken 112 vacation days at his ranch.

Obama has been criticized for vacationing in opulent surroundings, especially at a time of economic distress. Better he would be holed up in a Motel 6 on the Beltway, I guess.

But let's set the record straight. FDR, even during the Great Depression, vacationed at his colonial mansion in Hyde Park, N.Y., and used U.S. Navy ships for fishing expeditions.

Ike used to hang out at the Augusta National Country Club in Georgia, perhaps the most prestigious and expensive private club in the United States, playing golf while the Soviets aimed hundreds of nuclear missiles at us.

JFK relaxed at the family estate in Hyannis Port, Mass. Nixon had his western White House in San Clemente. LBJ owned a massive ranch in Texas as does George Bush. Reagan had his Santa Barbara ranch.

George H.W. Bush has his compound in Kennebunkport, Maine. Even Jimmy Carter retreated to his peanut farm in Georgia.

And each time they went on vacation, there was a crisis brewing somewhere.

Obama doesn't own an expensive vacation estate or a compound or even a condo. So he rents. Think of it as an economic stimulus package.

Having seen a number of presidents emerge from four to eight years in office stooped and gray, it is sheer folly to begrudge the leader of the free world a few days off.

Most Americans understood that in the past. Take the case of Herbert Hoover, as recounted by George E. Condon Jr. in the Atlantic.

Hoover sought the Navy's help to give him some respite during the depths of the Depression. Almost on the spur of the moment, the White House announced in March 1931 that "to secure a short rest" Hoover was going to Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands.

His mode of transportation was to be the newly modernized battleship Arizona. Its trial run became a luxury cruise for the president.

Somewhat defensively, the announcement noted "this will be the first vacation of the president since assuming office with the exception of a seven-day fishing trip to Florida something more than a year ago."

Time magazine described Hoover as "a very tired man" at the outset of the cruise. But after many "long naps," exercise on the deck with a medicine ball, and dinners (in formal wear) accompanied by an orchestra, Hoover was rejuvenated.

Time described him as "a new man physically ... his cheeks were a pinkish tan (and) lines around his eyes had been smoothed out."

They don't report stories like that any more.

R

For Whom the Pols Poll

2011-08-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

President Obama's approval rating has fallen to an all-time low,
sinking below 40% for the first time, according to a recent Gallup
poll.

New data showed that 39% of Americans approve of Obama's job
performance, while 54% disapprove. Both are the worst numbers of his
presidency.

Yet a scant three months ago, Obama’s approval rate was at 56 per
cent, the highest for the President since 2009.

The job picture was just as bleak. The economic news was just as bad.
His relationship with the Republicans was just as sour.

So why were his numbers so much better in May? Three little words:
Osama bin Laden. The death of the Al Qaeda leader at the hands of
U.S. forces in Pakistan, resulted in a major popularity boost for the
commander in chief.

From this we can extrapolate the following:

(1) Perhaps if Mr. Obama would spend more time playing whack-a-mole
with terrorists, rogue nations, European banks, Wall Street critics,
intransigent Republicans and Tea Party activists, his reelection
would be assured.

But more accurately, (2) polling is rarely the measure of a man.
Instead it is a snapshot in time that can change rapidly and
dramatically as the political winds shift.

Indeed, Obama’s approval ratings were higher than God’s in May. A
poll conducted by the research firm Public Policy Polling found that
52 percent of Americans approved of God's overall dealings, four
points below Obama.

God's approval rating exceeded that of House Speaker John Boehner,
R-Ohio, as well as both Democrats and Republicans in Congress. But it
lagged behind Oprah Winfrey who scored a 60 per cent approval rating.

This means, of course, that an all-seeing, all-knowing God not only
has a sense of humor but He believes in our First Amendment right to
free speech. Otherwise, the Public Policy poll would have resulted in
plagues of locusts and frogs.

For us mortals, polls remain an enigma, worshiped by journalists,
candidates and political scientists, but correctly viewed with
skepticism by the public.

President Obama’s roller coaster popularity ride is a good example.
So is former President George Bush whose disapproval rating at one
point was 71 per cent, making him the most unpopular chief executive
in modern history.

But after he left the White House and published his memoirs, Bush’s
popularity soared to 45 per cent. Either he was misjudged or we are a
very forgiving country. I suspect it was the latter.

Some polls produce worthless information. Take the case of Texas Gov.
Rick Perry who rode roughshod into the presidential rodeo last week.
In multiple polls, Perry trails Obama by an average of 11 percentage
points. Bad news for Republicans? Not necessarily. Perry lacks name
recognition outside of Texas. Check back in another month to see how
he fares.

Polls are often more useful for a candidate to judge the electorate
than the other way around.

Consider that President Obama and his opponent probably understand
that they face an uphill battle convincing the American public that
either one knows how to run the country.

A recent CNN poll asked voters if the policies proposed by Republican
leaders in Congress would move the country in the right direction.
Fifty eight per cent said no.

Asked if policies proposed by Democratic leaders would move the
country in the right direction, 53 per cent said no.

The overall Congressional approval rate was 13 per cent.

Let the campaign promises begin.

Some polls simply get it wrong. The most famous case involves the
Literary Digest which conducted a poll regarding the likely outcome
of the 1936 presidential election.

The poll showed that the Republican governor of Kansas, Alf Landon,
would likely be the winner.

But come November, Landon carried only Vermont and Maine; U.S.
President Franklin Delano Roosevelt carried the then-46 other states.

The magazine was discredited because of the poll and was soon
discontinued.

What happened? The magazine had surveyed its own readers, a group
with disposable incomes well above the national average of the time
(shown by their ability to afford a magazine subscription during the
Great Depression). It also used two other readily available lists:
that of registered automobile owners and that of telephone users.
Again, because of the Depression, both groups had incomes well above
the national average of the day, which resulted in lists of voters
far more likely to support Republicans.

When it comes to polls, remember the sage words of Robert Orben:
“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections
is to find out if the polls were right?”

Commentary Without Class

2011-08-01T15:03:00.000-07:00

It is almost beyond comprehension that the blowhards who pass for
political commentators in this day and age could not let the recent
Norwegian tragedy pass without making tasteless and asinine remarks.

I speak in this instance of Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly, the
Tweedledee and Tweedledum of punditry for whom nothing is quite as it
seems.

Here is Beck’s take on the carnage in Norway, in which a crazed
gunman on a delusional anti-Muslim mission set off a bomb in downtown
Oslo, then hunted down and killed 68 youths at a camp run by the
country’s Labor Party:

"There was a shooting at a political camp, which sounds a little
like, you know, the Hitler youth. I mean, who does a camp for kids
that's all about politics? Disturbing."

Not as disturbing, of course, as his insensitivity. And, as it turns
out, his hypocrisy.

To answer his question, who does a camp for kids about politics?
Well, for one, conservative columnist Jeff Lukens holds one in Tampa,
Fla. And guess what? It’s based on Beck’s very own 9/12 Project and
aligned with the “Tea Party” values that Beck espouses.

Then there is Camp USA for middle school students which advertises
itself as a bi-partisan tour of the political world to inspire
participants to become more informed, engaged citizens.

There are countless others that embrace many philosophies.

But let’s for a moment assume Beck forgot there is a political camp
for kids based on his own world view and turn to the issue of Norway
and the Nazis.

Norway was invaded by Hitler’s armies in 1940 and occupied for the
next five years. During that time, starvation was not unknown and
thousands of Norwegians were shipped to concentration camps or killed
outright. Many more fled the country and became refugees.

Against this background, Beck has the audacity to suggest Norway is
running youth camps inspired by the Nazis.

Torbjørn Eriksen, a former press secretary to Jens Stoltenberg,
Norway's prime minister, told London’s Daily Telegraph: "Young
political activists have gathered at Utøya (where the shootings took
place) for over 60 years to learn about and be part of democracy, the
very opposite of what the Hitler Youth was about. Glenn Beck's
comments are ignorant, incorrect and extremely hurtful."

It’s hard to imagine Beck could stoop lower.

Bill O’Reilly, meanwhile, was admonishing the media for describing
Anders Behring-Breivik, the admitted shooter, as a “Christian
extremist.”

"No one believing in Jesus commits mass murder," he said. "The man
might have called himself a Christian on the net, but he is certainly
not of that faith...we can find no evidence, none, that this killer
practiced Christianity in any way."

He said that the reason the media was calling Breivik a Christian was
because "the Left wants you to believe that fundamentalist Christians
are a threat just like crazy jihadists are."

In fact, the police described him as a Christian as did Breivik
himself. He wrote that he does not have a "personal," religious
relationship with Christ (but) believes in Christianity "as a
cultural, social, identity and moral platform," which he says "makes
me Christian."

We’re in murky waters here. It is not unusual for extremists to wrap
themselves in the cloak of religion to justify their actions.

Breivik did it. So did Osama bin Laden. But whether or not they were
true believers is known only to God, not Bill O’Reilly.

And to suggest that “no one believing in Jesus commits mass murder”
is absurd on its face. History is full atrocities committed by
Christians from the Crusades to the Inquisition to the witch hunts in
Europe and the New World. All conducted in the name of Jesus Christ.

While O’Reilly’s contends there is a move to paint fundamentalist
Christians as dangerous, there is plenty of evidence to suggest there
are reasons for concern.

A group called the Army of God has been targeting abortion clinics,
doctors and homosexuals for the last 25 years. The motive for
anti-abortionist Scott Roeder to murder Wichita doctor George Tiller
was a belief that abortion is criminal and immoral, and that this
belief went "hand in hand" with his religious beliefs.

Hutaree, a Christian militia group based in Adrian, Mich., had nine
of its members indicted on charges of seditious conspiracy to use of
improvised explosive devices, teaching the use of explosive
materials, and possessing a firearm during a crime of violence.

Perhaps these two gentlemen should forgo trying to politicize a
tragedy whose root cause is madness.

When Passengers Attack....

2011-07-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

All the news that fits, we print:

Those good hands people at the TSA are back in the news again. And
once again it involves the agency’s “enhanced” security procedures.

I am a frequent customer of the TSA because I have a couple of knee
replacements and the bells and whistles go off when I approach. It’s
a hassle but after a couple of waves of the wand, and a pat here and
there, away you go.

But last month was my first encounter with the new, improved
pat-down. It felt like the agent had accidently dropped his Rolex
down the front of my pants and was trying to retrieve it.

On a later flight, I went through the scanner which was quicker and
simpler. Of course, you have to get past the fact that a reasonable
facsimile of you naked to the world will appear on a screen somewhere
to the howls and/or whistles of those observing.

Now, we learn that the TSA will be installing software that will
allow agents to see objects hidden under clothes without seeing you
in the altogether. Or as a TSA bureaucrat remarked in a classic
understatement, to “improve the passenger experience at checkpoints.”

And not a moment too soon.

Just this past week, it seems that Yukari Miyamae, a 61-year-old
Colorado woman, was charged with groping a TSA agent.

Miyamae was in Phoenix's Sky Airport en route home to Colorado when
the incident occurred.

According to the arrest report, Miyamae is accused of groping TSA
agent Barbara O'Toole's "left breast through her clothing and
squeezing and twisting it with both hands without the victim's
permission."

I can only guess why.

For all I know, Miyamae may have been a full-blown Taliban operative.
But if not, there is such an inescapable turnabout-is-fair-play irony
to all this that I am prepared to be a character witness on her
behalf.

I’m not the only one. Five Facebook pages dedicated to her have
sprung into existence, four of them offering her support. Some have
dubbed her the "21st century Rosa Parks."

Fortunately, it appears that technology will soon rescue us from the
ugly prospect of groping wars at our airports.

Speaking of technology, cell phones may be the greatest
communications advancement since, well, the telephone.
But like many gifts, it comes with a curse.

It can be annoying, rude and, most importantly, distracting and
dangerous.

That’s why many states and municipalities have banned hand-held cell
phone use while driving.

And it’s why everyone believed it recently when it was reported that
the city of Philadelphia would ticket and fine anyone texting while
walking.

Makes sense. Who wants to get head-butted by some idiot texting his
girlfriend. Or watch as some dufus walks into an 18-wheeler while
checking the baseball scores.

But the city mothers and fathers in Philadelphia, in fact, passed no
such law. What they did do is encourage police to crack down on
dangerous and distracting cellphone use.

That development was misunderstood by some TV types and bloggers and
the misinformation spread like wildfire via the Internet.

Imagine that.

It’s ice cream season. And parlors across the land are responding
with more and more inventive flavors to attract customers.
According to Newsweek, lip-smacking offerings this season such as
Brown Bread, Rice and Beans, Balsamic Strawberry, Feta Cheese and
Basil, Brown Ale With Bacon, Lobster and Wasabi Coconut Banana are on
the menu.

Vanilla, anyone?

What do Mike Eng, Edward Hernandez, Bob Huff, Curt Hagman have in
common?

They are all elected officials from the San Gabriel Valley. And they
all accepted contributions from tobacco interests.

Indeed, the tobacco industry spent a total of $9.3 million on
campaign contributions and lobbying in California during the
2009-2010 election cycle and have spent nearly $100 million over the
last decade, according to a new report by the Center for Tobacco
Policy & Organizing, a project of the American Lung Association in
California.

Of the 122 state legislators (more than 120 due to vacancies and
special elections), tobacco interests made campaign contributions to
59 members, or 48 percent, similar to the total from pervious
election cycles.

Maybe we were naive enough to think that the scourge of tobacco was
becoming a thing of the past. Apparently it’s still as close as your
local legislator.

Rupert's World

2011-07-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

Good morning and welcome to your daily community newspaper.

You may notice we’ve made a few changes due to the fact that we have
been sold to Rupert Murdoch.

We have discarded well-written and informative stories in favor of
salacious scandal about our elected officials, sports figures,
community leaders and anybody else we can smear.

We are no longer interested in the agendas and actions of our city
councils and boards of education.

Rather, we will be reporting on members’ sex lives, mental health,
financial status and any and all dirt we can dig up.

To accomplish this, we will bribe public officials and cops and
engage in hacking personal phone calls and e-mails and use the
information to wield political power over those with whom we
disagree. There are no moral or ethical boundaries we will not
violate in order to achieve our goals.

For your entertainment, we will run pictures of topless models on
Page 3 complete with leering, sexist comments.

We understand that this new direction in our reporting will lead to
the arrest and conviction of some of our reporters and editors but,
hey, that’s the price you pay.

This, of course, is just a fantasy, or rather a nightmare. We haven’t
really been sold to Murdoch and we fervently hope it will never come
to pass.

But it’s a useful tool to illustrate the methods Rupert Murdoch and
his band of mad hatters in England who, in the pursuit of lurid and
sensational scoops, in an attempt to get the story at any cost, to
beat the competition by any means necessary, have completely lost
their moral and ethical compass.

To recount: As far back as 2006, Murdoch’s News of the World tabloid
was charged by police with intercepting voice mail messages left for
members of Britain’s royal family.

Police began a new investigation into phone hacking allegations in
February 2011, at which time more than 20 civil cases against the
News of the World were active. Lawyers for the victims allege that as
many as 7,000 people had their phones accessed by the News of the
World.

Then earlier this month, allegations were made that the News of the
World hacked into the voicemail of a murdered schoolgirl, destroying
possible evidence in the search for her killer, as well as victims of
the London terrorist bombings and relatives of deceased British
soldiers.

It was even more than the gossip-loving British public could stand.
Reporters and editors were arrested. Advertisers withdrew from the
News of the World and other Murdoch publications.

Murdoch promptly shut down the 168-year-old publication in a cynical
attempt to keep alive his attempt to purchase the lucrative British
Sky Broadcasting Group, an attempt that failed when Murdoch withdrew
his $12 billion bid in the wake of the hacking scandal.

In the midst of all this, former Prime Minister Gordon Brown accused
Murdoch’s papers of hiring “known criminals” to ferret our
information on him and his family, including his personal finances
and his infant son’s medical history.

Brown is not the only politician to feel Murdoch’s wrath. According
to a New York Times story, Clare Short, a Labour member of
Parliament, mentioned in passing at a luncheon in 2004 that she did
not care for the photographs of saucy, topless women that appear
every day on Page 3 of Murdoch’s The Sun tabloid. “I’d like to take
the pornography out of our press,” she said.

“ ‘Fat, Jealous’ Clare Brands Page 3 Porn” was The Sun’s headline in
response. Its editor sent a busload of semi-dressed models to jeer at
Ms. Short at her house. The paper stuck a photograph of Ms. Short’s
head over the body of a topless woman and found a number of people to
declare that, in fact, they thoroughly enjoyed the sexy photos.

OK, so a band of British loonies engaged in sleazy and illegal
tactics and left ethics and good taste lying broken and bleeding in
the street. Why should we care?

Because Rupert Murdoch may be practicing the same sort of abhorrent
journalism right here in America.

His Fox News has already been revealed as something less than “fair
and balanced” for contributing $1 million to Republican political
candidates.

His New York Post is as raunchy and irresponsible as his British
tabloids. He now owns the prestigious Wall Street Journal and it
remains to be seen if he brings his own brand of “journalism” to that
paper.

And the FBI, prodded by members of Congress, has opened an
investigation into whether Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. attempted to
hack into the telephones of victims of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks
and the families of those who died.

American journalism is at the crossroads. It needs visibility, it
needs a blueprint to survive in the information age, it needs money
to stay alive and thrive.

More importantly, it needs to maintain its credibility. And because
it does, it doesn’t need Rupert Murdoch.

A State of Grace

2011-07-10T17:06:00.000-07:00

"It is better (100) guilty Persons should escape than that one innocent Person should suffer." - Benjamin Franklin.

LET'S all take a deep breath. The Casey Anthony verdict was in all probability a miscarriage of justice. But to condemn our system of justice as some have done is absurd.

Despite a handful of high-profile cases such as Michael Jackson, O.J. and Robert Blake, the courts heed Franklin's words and get it right most of the time. And God help us if we resort to prosecution by punditry.

Which brings us to one of the most unfortunate aspects of the Anthony trial.

It will assuredly encourage more mindless and prejudicial chatter from cable TV's assorted talking heads who fancy themselves judge, jury and executioner.

Anthony will continue to be their bete noire for months, maybe years.

After that, there will be another missing child, another Tot Mom or Octomom, another tawdry murder case out there somewhere to exploit.

To be sure, I stand ready to defend their right to babble. The First Amendment guarantees free expression even from people you loathe.

But there is something fundamentally disturbing about the likes of Nancy Grace, the Headline News personality who, convinced of Anthony's guilt before her daughter's body was even discovered, used her bully pulpit to endlessly paint the defendant as an affront to motherhood and human decency.

No trial was necessary in Grace's view.

No balanced reporting here. Casey Anthony was guilty from Day One.

This was not new territory for Grace. She took a vehemently pro-prosecution stance against three Duke University lacrosse players accused of rape in a high-profile case. When they were acquitted and the district attorney disbarred, she was absent from her show and a substitute anchor announced the decision.

Grace's philosophy is shaped by the fact that she is a former prosecutor. I've never met a prosecutor in my professional career who wasn't filled with the spirit of indignant righteousness.

Take a zealous prosecutor, give her a television show and the freedom to hound a defendant without the restrictions of due process, and you have Nancy Grace, an avenging angel wrapped in the flag of truth, or at least her version of it.

That's not just my opinion. According to published accounts and court opinions, the Supreme Court of Georgia several times condemned Grace's conduct as a prosecutor. First, in a 1994 heroin trafficking case, Bell v. State, the court declared a mistrial, saying that Grace had "exceeded the wide latitude of closing argument" by drawing comparisons to unrelated murder and rape cases.

In 1997, the court was more severe, overturning the murder-arson conviction of businessman W. W. Carr in the death of his wife. While the court said its reversal was not due to her transgressions, since the case had turned primarily on circumstantial evidence, it nevertheless concluded "the conduct of the prosecuting attorney in this case demonstrated her disregard of the notions of due process and fairness, and was inexcusable."

Despite upholding the conviction she sought, a panel of the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals wrote in a 2005 opinion that Grace "played fast and loose" with her ethical duties and failed to "fulfill her responsibilities" as a prosecutor in the 1990 triple murder trial of Herbert Connell Stephens. The court agreed that it was "difficult to conclude that Grace did not knowingly use ... (apparently false) testimony" from a detective that there were no other suspects, despite the existence of outstanding arrest warrants for other men.

And Grace's view of the Anthony defense? "They will do and say anything," she sniffed.

The ratings for Headline News have soared as a result of Grace's trial coverage.

According to Dylan Stableford, the media writer for Yahoo News, Grace's network has benefited greatly from its take on the trial. The network beat MSNBC in total viewers in June, Stableford reports, averaging 982,000 in prime time, an increase of 86 percent.

So she will live to rant again and is well on her way to becoming a media star, despite her failure to have Casey Anthony put to death.

I see "Dancing With the Stars" in her future. Or maybe even an appearance in the Rose Parade.

Imagine her popularity if she came down on the right side of a verdict.

Notes From an Infrequent Flier

2011-06-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

We ventured this past week where only the foolish or the brave dare
to tread. We took a cross-country flight on a commercial airliner.

Oh, sure, we’d read the stories about bumped passengers, lost
luggage, delays due to various volcanic eruptions and computer
glitches not to mention enhanced TSA pat-downs that looked like a
porn movie casting call.

But sometimes you just have to get up and go. So we did. Los
Angeles to Washington, D.C. Flying time, anywhere from four and a
half to five and a half hours, depending on how much the carrier
needed to lie to chalk up an on-time arrival.

Things went smoothly at LAX until we went through security. I have
a pair of knee replacements due to too many years of jogging,
football, basketball, racquetball and many other kinds of ball all
undertaken with great energy while carrying too much weight.

As a result, I set off the alarms at TSA security as if I was
carrying a flame thrower under my shirt. No big deal. A wand here,
a wand there. I’m use to it.

But the pat-down that ensured, conducted by a young man who tried
hard to be pleasant, was more like an autopsy. I felt like he was
poking and prodding my internal organs, looking for one that might be
prime for transplant to another human.

In the past, I believed the hue and cry over airport security was
overblown. The alternative was to turn our commercial airliners
into potential flying bombs. So I endured it with a smile.

I can deal with the new procedures, intrusive and time consuming as
they are. But they are frankly dehumanizing and embarrassing. The terrorists seem to have won this round.

Contrast the hands-on approach at LAX with the scanner at Dulles in
Washington. I know scanners have come under fire as well but after
the groping in Los Angeles it was a relief.

You walk in, put your hands behind your head, and they squeeze off a
picture. It takes about 10 seconds for you to be cleared. If
there’s some TSA agent in a dingy room somewhere salivating over my
image, I sincerely wish them a well-adjusted life.

In a choice between two evils, the scanner ranks lower on the
humiliation scale.

The United Airline plane we flew was showing its age, the upholstery
threadbare, the carpet worn. No headsets were provided for movie or
audio use. By contrast, the same flight back did provide
headphones. Go figure.

The airline magazines were dog-eared, with pages missing and
crossword puzzles filled out in ink by some previous passenger. I
guess I could have double checked his work. I passed and engrossed
myself in the latest Sky Mall offerings, including a security blanket
for dogs designed to ease separation anxiety. Does the owner get one
too?

United is supposed to have passable airline food. I didn’t see
anyone ordering it. The guy next to me pulled out a 3 foot sub he
brought with him and devoured it like he was in a competitive eating
contest.

There seemed to be fewer tourists in Washington than I have seen in
the past. But the convention business appears to be alive and well.
The Biotechnology Industry, which says its goal is to feed and fuel
the world, presumably with differing products, was expected to draw
15,000 participants. The Lego Fan Festival is coming up not to
mention the U.S. Air Guitar Championships.

We took in the U.S. Open golf tournament at Congressional Country
Club, a favorite hangout of golfing presidents including the likes of
William Howard Taft and Calvin Coolidge. The course is the size of
Delaware and with a clubhouse that is bigger than the Rose Bowl.

I was glad to see the National Mall was in much better shape than we
saw two years ago when we were last in town. Then, most of the grass
was dead or dying. Reflecting pools were filled with putrid water.
Sidewalks are crumbling. Improvements have been made but there’s
still a long ways to go.

I guess I missed it when it was announced but a new presidential
memorial is being planned in Washington, this one dedicated to Dwight
Eisenhower. I did a quick mental rundown to determine if anyone
was more deserving.

There isn't. He led America to victory in Europe during
World War II and served two terms as president. I’ll forgive him his
choice of vice president. Remembering back, it seemed everyone liked
Ike.

Some Strange Truths

2011-06-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

Unless you've secluded yourself in a Trappist monastery recently, you've heard the sordid tale of Anthony Weiner, the bright young congressman from New York who got caught with his pants down, literally.

It seems Mr. Weiner was discovered sending suggestive pictures of himself via Twitter to a college-age woman in Seattle. The photographs were waist down and close up, sort of like a TSA pat-down.

At first he denied it, claiming instead his Twitter and Facebook accounts had been hacked and he was the victim of a vicious prank.

But, he added, "I can't say with certitude" that the picture is not of him.

Then, with the media snapping at his heels like a pack of pit bulls, Weiner admitted he has engaged in "several inappropriate" electronic relationships with six women over three years, and that he publicly lied about a photo of himself sent over Twitter to the Seattle woman.

"I take full responsibility for my actions," Weiner said. "The picture was of me, and I sent it."

OK, a bizarre story, right? But not unheard of. Earlier this year, Rep. Christopher Lee, R-N.Y., abruptly resigned from the House of Representatives after a report emerged that he had sent flirtatious e-mails, including one with a bare-chested photo of himself, to a woman he met on Craigslist. Lee is married and the father of a young child.

But the story of Anthony Weiner is more than the tale of a fallen politician. It's loaded with more truth-is-stranger-than fiction twists and turns then the road to Hana.

Consider:

When Weiner became a young, single congressman, he dated a string of high-profile young women, according to published reports. Among others, he was romantically linked to television personality and "cybermodel" Alli Joseph.

About the same time, Weiner sponsored a bill to increase the number of visas available to models by 1,000. The representative's spokesman said it was just economics to bring jobs to New York City, but the New York Post was skeptical. "Seems Anthony Weiner is working hard to increase his dating pool," the tabloid quipped.

Eventually, love found Anthony Weiner and he married Huma Abedin, a longtime personal aide of Hillary Clinton, on July 10, 2010. Weiner is a Jew. Abedin is a practicing Muslim. Unusual, sure. But that's not the half of it.

Presiding at their wedding was none other than former President Bill Clinton. Which in retrospect might have been a bad omen.

After the scandal broke, Weiner reportedly called President Clinton to apologize for his transgressions, to which TV commentator Jon Stewart remarked, "Apologizing to Clinton for what, copyright infringement?"

As Weiner embarked on his sexting escapade, conservative bloggers were tracking his Twitter account so carefully that they sent warnings to women who were being followed online by Weiner to be wary of him, according to The New York Times.

Weiner was copied on the warnings.

Even so, knowing that he was being watched, he kept up his stream of lewd communications.

This information fell into the hands of Andrew Breitbart, a conservative commentator who had been largely discredited for selectively editing a videotape of an African-American official with the Department of Agriculture to make it appear she refused to help a white farmer. She was fired, then was offered her job back after Breitbart's methods were revealed.

Shortly after Breitbart disclosed Weiner's activities , he was suddenly being described as a "media force" in what could only be characterized as a major comeback.

In one of the strangest interviews in recent memory on CNN, the formerly discredited Breitbart was questioned by the formerly discredited Eliot Spitzer, who starred in his own sex scandal, about the currently discredited Congressman Weiner. Talk about strange bedfellows.

Weiner was a leading candidate to become mayor of New York City and had raised $3.9 million for a potential campaign in the 2013 mayoral election.

But with that run in jeopardy, the door has opened for a new candidate: Alec Baldwin.

Alec Baldwin? The guy who stars in "30 Rock" and has hosted "Saturday Night Live" several dozen times? Yup, the same.

An outspoken Democrat, Baldwin has apparently contemplated a political career for some time. Baldwin's rep, Matthew Hiltzik, told the Hollywood Reporter, "I wouldn't rule it out," when asked about the potential run for mayor.

If Baldwin is successful, he would join Al Franken as the second "Saturday Night Live" star to win political office. Franken is a U.S. senator from Minnesota.

You can't make this stuff up.

An Earfull About Cell Phones

2011-06-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

News and views:

News: A World Health Organization panel has concluded that cellphones
are “possibly carcinogenic,’’ putting them in the same category as
certain dry cleaning chemicals and pesticides, as a potential threat
to human health.

Views: While there’s some debate over the validity of this finding,
there’s no question that cell phones have done something to our
brains.

At the same time they provide the ability to communicate instantly
with anyone, anywhere, anytime, cell phones have also (1) accounted
for a sharp uptick in auto accidents caused by people who think they
can chat and text while piloting a two-ton vehicle through traffic
and (2)accounted for a sharp uptick in rude and boorish behavior by
social morons who converse loudly in restaurants, theaters, elevators
and, yes, even public restroom stalls.

I wonder if the study probes the dangers of second-hand phone
conversations?

Not that the WHO findings will result in a massive life style change.
After all, we have been warned that any number of life’s little
pleasures from grilled meats to martinis to coffee to sunlight are
hazardous to our health, disclosures that often are met with a shrug
of the shoulders.

Living can lead to death, or so it seems.

Should you be concerned? To the amazement of no one, the cell phone
industry says don’t worry, be happy.

But Dr. Keith Black, chairman of neurology at Cedars-Sinai Medical
Center in Los Angeles, told CNN: “The type of radiation coming out of a cell phone is called non-ionizing. It is not like an X-ray, but more like a very
low-powered microwave oven.

"What microwave radiation does in most simplistic terms is similar to
what happens to food in microwaves, essentially cooking the brain,"
Black said.

"So in addition to leading to a development of cancer and tumors,
there could be a whole host of other effects like cognitive memory
function, since the memory temporal lobes are where we hold our cell
phones."

In other words, if the idea of sticking your head in a microwave and
hitting the start button causes you some discomfort, try holding your
cell phone at arm’s length. Better yet, try texting. It may save your brain and improve your hand/eye coordination.

News: A United Airlines passenger smacked a fellow flier over an
unwelcome seat recline this past weekend, according to a story in the
Washington Post. Fighter jets escorted Ghana-bound United Airlines Flight 990 back to
Washington Dulles International Airport after the fight broke out
Sunday night.

Views: There’s no question this happens with some frequency. What
elevated this particular incident to news status is that someone
decided to scramble the United States Air Force to resolve it.

I was on a flight to Denver several years ago, sitting in the last
row of seats, when I fell victim to Abrupt Recliner Syndrome.

A woman sitting in front of me thrust her seat as far back as it
would go but I couldn’t recline in self defense because last row
seats don’t adjust.

She was so close I could smell her toothpaste.

I eventually called the flight attendance because I couldn’t drop the
tray table in front of me to eat my lunch. No fisticuffs ensued.

It’s just another example of the complete disregard the airline
industry has for its customers’ comfort and well being.

As the amount of leg room has declined to near claustrophobic
proportions, reclining seats seem like a genuinely bad idea. Among
other things, it’s a good way to get your lap top buried in your
intestinal tract.

Of course, you can always turn your fresh air valve up to full blast
and aim it at the recliner’s head or loudly complain that your
tuberculosis is getting worse. But that might lead to the kind of bad
blood that results in a F-16 escort.

Besides, any day now, airlines will probably start charging extra for
reclining seats which could minimize the issue.

News: In a survey ranking the gross national happiness of each
nation, China came out first.

Views: And North Korea came out second. Rounding out the top five
were Cuba, Iran and Venezuela. The United States finished last.

And who, you might well ask, conducted this survey? Why, none other
than everybody’s favorite paradise on earth, the People’s Republic of
North Korea.

I, for one, actually believe North Korea is a happy place. Because
unhappy citizens don’t get to stick around long enough to take part
in surveys.

As for the Chinese, they’re No. 1 because they’re happy they’re not
North Korea.

Words Worth Hearing

2011-05-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

Advice, like youth, is wasted on the young, someone once observed.

Case in point: Our offspring will find themselves awash in an ocean
of words this graduation season, all delivered earnestly and all
meant to inspire and challenge. Most will be forgotten soon after
they are spoken, lost in the euphoria of the moment.

Graduation day seems like a lousy time to make a point.

But the tradition continues. This column, for example, has been
cranking out pearls of graduation wisdom like so many mortarboards
for years, a mix of warm fatherly advice and frightening economic
reality.

That is by design. Advice is taken most seriously when the recipient
is scared to death.

This year, we are happy to announce, we have something besides
platitudes and panic to offer graduates: Optimism.

According to a new survey by the National Association of Colleges and
Employers, businesses are gearing up to hire nearly 20 percent more
college grads in 2011 than they did last year. The anticipated 19.3
percent hiring jump over last year would be the best since 2007.

In almost every category, employers are planning to offer more jobs,
with engineering services leading the way.

There are exceptions, however. Government hiring is projected to be
down by a whopping 25 per cent. For all you grads who dreamed of
being part of a bloated bureaucracy, I’m afraid the news is bad.

Overall, according to the survey, responding organizations reported
the number of job applications has risen nearly 45 per cent since
last year at this time. At the same time, however, the total number
of positions reported by respondents has tripled. As a result, the
average number of applications per opening has fallen from 40.5 in
2010 to just over 21 currently.

Which means that this year, the competition for jobs is merely fierce
as opposed to cut-throat.

It’s safe to say that for the time being things are looking up.
Unless you majored in art history or Canadian philosophy, there’s
probably a job waiting for you. It might be in New Hampshire rather
than Newport Beach, but that’s part of the adventure. Go for it.

And pay? Students who will graduate this spring are receiving job
offers with starting salaries averaging $50,034 per year, up 3.5%
from last year, according to that same NACE survey.

That’s nice work if you can get it. But even if you don’t make big
bucks at the outset, remember that degree you earned will help you
avoid a career in appliance delivery or shoe sales and thus stay out
of therapy in your middle age.

Now, for some really sage advice from commencement speakers you
should have been listening to before you walked accross that stage.

“Listen once in a while. It’s amazing what you can hear. On a hot
summer day in the country you can hear the corn growing, the crack of
a tin roof buckling under the power of the sun. Or sometimes when
you’re talking up a storm so brilliant, so charming that you can
hardly believe how wonderful you are, pause just a moment and listen
to yourself. It’s good for the soul to hear yourself as others hear
you, and next time maybe, just maybe, you will not talk so much, so
loudly, so brilliantly, so charmingly, so utterly shamefully
foolishly.” Russell Baker, columnist and author.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.
Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other
people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out
your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to
follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you
truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs,
Apple CEO.

“…some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live
without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you
might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by
default.” J.K. Rowling, “Harry Potter” author.

“I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world
better than the one we were handed. So, sorry. I don't know if you've
been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us.
Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an
arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise,
and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize." TV
commentator Jon Stewart.

"As you partake of the world’s bill of fare/ that’s darned good
advice to follow/ Do a lot of spitting out the hot air/ And be
careful what you swallow.” Theodor Geisel (Dr. Suess)

Newt's Really Bad Week

2011-05-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

We were informed by a major television news network the other day
that the “silly season” was over and the Republican Party big guns
were preparing to enter the 2012 presidential race.

The justification for this assessment was that Donald Trump had taken
his size 15XXX hat out of the ring to focus on really bad television
reality shows.

Mike Huckabee, the former governor of Arkansas, also withdrew despite
decent polling numbers. I guess he figured he would be bucking the
odds by trying to be the second President who hailed from Hope,
Arkansas.

Now comes former House speaker Newt Gingrich, a “serious” candidate
who is quickly accumulating enough baggage to fill the cargo hold of
an Airbus.

So far on the highway to the White House, Newt has encountered 40
miles of bad road.

You know there’s trouble when his first order of business was to make
amens, so to speak, with the evangelical arm of the Republican party
because of past misdeeds.

It seems Newt’s personal life has drawn some raised eyebrows from the
religious right. Most notably, he admitted for having an extramarital
affair with his present wife as he was condemning President Clinton
for lying to a grand jury about his relationship with a White House
intern. Also troubling the right is that said present wife is the
third Mrs. Gingrich.

He could have won the day if he embraced a Biblical view as expressed
in Timothy 3:2: “Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the
husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable,
hospitable, able to teach.”

But instead he said: “There's no question at times in my life,
partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that
I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not
appropriate."

So patriotism and hard work leads to infidelity. Check.

Then there’s the business about dumping the Southern Baptist religion
and converting to Roman Catholicism. While it’s no surprise that it
doesn’t play well in the Bible Belt, it appears it isn’t playing well
anywhere. Just 11 percent of white evangelicals, and 16 percent of
white Catholics, favor Gingrich as the 2012 Republican presidential
nominee, according to a March Pew Research Center poll.

Of course, a candidate’s religion shouldn’t reflect on his stature as
a leader. Just ask Mitt Romney. But when the candidate’s party has
been hijacked by theocrats, well, that’s a different matter.

None of this stops Gingrich from announcing for the presidency.
He kicks things off with an appearance on “Meet the Press” where he
immediately distances himself from a plan offered by House GOP Budget
chairman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin that would reduce the deficit by $4.4
trillion over 10 years by repealing the Democrat's health care bill
and reforming entitlements like Medicare and Medicaid.

Gingrich calls the plan “right-wing social engineering” a remark for
which he later apologizes.

Many Republicans, who consider the Ryan plan holy writ, are not
pleased. “He’s done. He didn’t have a big chance from the beginning,
but now it’s over,” said Charles Krauthammer, a conservative
columnist.

Next up, Gingrich, speaking at a Republican dinner in Georgia, refers
to President Obama as "the most successful food stamp president in
American history,” a remark some considered racist.

He follows that up with a comment that Obama suffers from "a Kenyan, anti-colonial
worldview" that makes him unfit to be president, which puts Gingrich
in lockstep with the wackos who suggest somehow the President is
channeling the dead father he never knew.

Then, financial disclosure forms filed in ’06 and ’07 by Newt
Gingrich’s wife Callista while she was a Hill staffer revealed that
the 2012 GOP hopeful had a liability of between $250K and $500K from
a charge account with Tiffany’s, the reknown jeweler.

He apparently belongs to the Do As I Say, Not As I Do School of
Fiscal Conservatism.

He finishes up the first week of his campaign by getting yelled at by
an Iowa voter and “glitter bombed” by a gay activist.

Political memory is short and it’s possible that the specifics of his
bungled beginning will be forgotten (but not by the Democrats).
It reveals, however, a certain impulsiveness and recklessness in a man who
aspires to a job where those traits would be inappropriate if not
dangerous. And that will stay with voters.

A Gingrich aide compared the last several days for the candidate to a
star baseball player who disappoints the crowd during his first time
up to the plate in an early-season game.
“...Right now, they are booing Newt,” the aide said. “We will hit a
home run and they will all be fans again.”

I’m not so sure he hasn’t already struck out.

Wandering the Wasteland

2011-05-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

Fifty years ago this month, Newton Minow, newly minted chairman of
the Federal Communications Commission, strode to the podium at the
National Association of Broadcasters convention and declared that
television was a “vast wasteland.”

More specifically, he told the nation’s broadcasters to “sit down in
front of your television set when your station goes on the air and
stay there without a book, magazine, newspaper, profit-and-loss sheet
or rating book to distract you — and keep your eyes glued to that set
until the station signs off. I can assure you that you will observe a
vast wasteland.”

“There was no standing ovation,” he recalled recently. “Instead, the
producer of "Gilligan's Island" showed what he thought of my speech
by naming the sinking ship after me — the SS Minnow.”

His “vast wasteland” speech became legendary and the tag has been
affixed to television programming every since.

But a half-century later, does it still ring true?

Does television remain the repository of banality? Or was Minow
expecting too much from what is essentially escapist fare, much as
radio had been. Does “vast wasteland” describe the area between a
typical viewer’s ears? Or was he arrogant, projecting a patrician
perspective on popular culture?

Oddly enough, there was a lot to like in early TV. For every “My
Mother the Car,” there was “The Hallmark Hall of Fame.” In fact,
there was more quality drama on the air then than now. For every
Soupy Sales, there was a Steve Allen. There were giants in the
newsroom: Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, Chet Huntley and David
Brinkley.

To many, it was the Golden Age of Television.

Yet, as Minow points out, network news was 15 minutes in length.
Commercials were rampant, exceeding the broadcasters’ own code of
standards. Black political candidates were often denied television
time for their campaigns. Los Angeles and New York did not have
noncommercial stations.

Minow shook his verbal fist at “a procession of game shows, violence,
audience participation shows, formula comedies about totally
unbelievable families, blood and thunder, mayhem, violence, sadism,
murder, western badmen, western good men, private eyes, gangsters,
more violence and cartoons.”

Now, of course, we look out at a landscape filled with--and an
audience thrilled by --dancing B list celebrities, dramas about
forensic snoops and their coroner sidekicks, reality shows about pawn
brokers, swamp dwellers, pack rats, crab catchers and meter maids in
addition to high-decibel opinion shows masquerading as news.

This is progress?

Minnow, writing recently in Chicago Tribune, was surprisingly upbeat.
Television “is certainly vast, far vaster than we could have imagined
in 1961. And parts of it are a wasteland, but most of what I hoped
for has far exceeded my most ambitious dreams. And the promise and
possibility of television is so vast that we can only guess where it
will take us next.”

That is a generous assessment. Because whatever positive changes have
occurred in the last 50 years are not because broadcasters became
more enlightened. There are simply more of them. So now if you don’t
want to be subjected to “Two-And-a-Half Men,” you can watch CSPAN. If
you don’t want to watch “American Idol,” you can browse Home and
Garden TV. If you don’t want your news interpreted by Bill O’Reilly,
you can watch Al Jazeera.

In addition, TV was in its infancy when Minow spoke. It improved with
age, a natural evolutionary process.

When Minow urged the television industry to pursue excellence, his
boss, President John F. Kennedy, was essentially delivering the same
message, challenging the country to soar to greater heights.

It would appear that Minow was merely parroting the administration
line, no matter how well intentioned it may have been.

In the end, Minnow’s sabre rattling changed little. On his watch,
network news grew and prospered and many credit him for helping to
foster its growth. But according to the Museum of Broadcast
Communications, many believed that beyond news, the Minow FCC enjoyed
few tangible policy accomplishments.

It’s safe to say, many of the things Minow found objectionable still
exist.

And 50 years from now, another Newton Minow will look out at the
broadcast industry and in all likelihood find a lot to dislike. The
only difference will be that broadcast offerings will appear in your
living room as three dimensional holograms.

Thanks to technology, you will feel like you’re actually living in
a vast wasteland.

Franchise Follies

2011-05-05T21:17:00.001-07:00

Watch the travails of Frank McCourt as he fumbles away the Dodger franchise and you're seeing a man who has achieved infamy shared by a select few.

Frank in just a few short years has become a member in good standing of LAST (Los Angeles Sports Tyrants), a group that has infuriated and frustrated local fans for decades.

It takes a special person to be LAST. But Frank qualifies on so many levels.

There are two questions that immediately come to mind:

Is he the worst franchise owner in Los Angeles history? Does he rank right up there with fellow LAST members Donald Sterling, Al Davis, Phil Anshutz, Rupert Murdoch? Can he match the antics of Georgia Frontiere and Jack Kent Cooke?

And, second, what did we do to deserve this plague of obstinate ownership?

McCourt briefly was a hero in town when he purchased the Dodgers from Rupert Murdoch, that crafty Aussie media mogul who led the team to mediocrity. Of course, Charlie Sheen would have been preferable to Murdoch.

But the fact that the McCourt purchase was financed mostly by debt raised more than a few eyebrows even at the outset.

Alas, our worst suspicions were confirmed. He allegedly spent much of the proceeds from the club on a lavish lifestyle and left the team circling the drain.

He and his wife are now divorcing and the attorney fees could retire the national debt.

A lack of money leads to a lack of talent and the Dodgers are
nobody's World Series pick this year. The fans are staying away in droves.

Now, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has taken control of the organization and replaced McCourt with some George Bush sidekick. The Dodgers, historically one of the premiere franchises in baseball, are in shambles.

Also in the running for worst owner:

Jack Kent Cooke: Cooke will be best remembered for building the Forum in Inglewood and owning the Lakers. Under his ownership, the Lakers made it to the championship finals seven times and won it all in 1972. But Cooke, a Canadian, also gave us the Los Angeles Kings, a hockey franchise that has gone 44 years without a championship. He personally ran the club, making trades, hiring and firing coaches and general managers, all to no good end. Even though he sold the Kings in 1979, they continue mired in mediocrity, thanks in no small part to his stewardship, which made them the Cubs on Ice.

Phil Anshutz: The current owner of the Kings (and Staples Center) continues in the tradition of Jack Kent Cooke. Despite a loyal fan base and a lot of self-congratulatory talk about an improved franchise, the team continues to go nowhere while their absentee owner hides out in Denver and counts his billions. Is this the guy we want to woo the NFL?

Georgia Frontiere: Georgia made her fortune the old-fashioned way: She married it. After five previous marriages, the former nightclub singer landed Carroll Rosenblum, an NFL owner. When he drowned while swimming off a Florida beach, she became majority owner of the Los Angeles Rams, a team with a storied history here that dated back to 1946 when they became the first major professional team in town. Under her leadership, attendance declined and she hit the road, first to Anaheim, then to St. Louis. Irony of ironies, when she died in 2008, she was buried in Los Angeles, the resting place of the hearts of many a Ram fan.

Al Davis: I'm not sure many football fans in Los Angeles wanted Al and his Raiders to relocate here. But he did anyway. After some initial success, Al had more lawsuits than wins and a fan base that looked like a casting call for a zombie movie. Mercifully, he moved back to Oakland in 1995, but not before fleecing Irwindale out of $10 million.

Donald Sterling: He is the LAST word in losing. His Clippers of the NBA have lost more than 1,400 games since they moved to L.A. in 1984, nearly twice as many as they have won, and have made the playoffs four times in 27 years. So he's had a little bad luck. But it's hard to love a guy who once refused to pay for prostate cancer surgery for his coach (the players chipped in paid the bill).

Honorable mention: Henry and Susan Samuel, who, when they bought the Anaheim National Hockey League franchise, kept the name. Thus, we have a team named after a dreary suburb in Orange County and an animal most closely associated with one-liners and cartoons. Let's hear it for the Ducks.

Honorable mention also goes to Arte Moreno, who changed the name of his baseball team to to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. He may be onto something. Maybe we could do away with all this football stadium talk by just calling the nearest NFL franchise the Los Angeles Chargers of San Diego.

Who has your vote?

Air Sickness

2011-04-26T12:53:00.000-07:00

Ready for a vacation? You’re not alone.

According to a recent poll for the U.S. Travel Association, 59
percent of adults are planning a trip this year before July.

That means when you travel, you’ll be rubbing elbows and other body
parts with 138 million people.

While you’re contemplating that, think about this:

If you’re preferred mode of travel this summer is commercial air,
there will be some turbulence ahead.

For one thing, the air traffic controllers in this country seem to be
asleep at the wheel.

First, a controller at Reagan National in Washington, D.C. was
suspended for sleeping on the job, forcing two planes to land without
clearance.

Then, the pilot of a medical plane was unable to reach the controller
on duty at the Reno-Tahoe International Airport in Nevada. The pilot
decided to land after 16 minutes, citing concern over the health of a
patient he was transporting.

Other incidents of unresponsive controllers occurred in Miami, in
Lubbock, Tex. and at King County International Airport/Boeing Field
in Seattle, where a controller had fallen asleep once during a shift
on April 11, and twice during a Jan. 6 shift.

All of which should come as no surprise. Witness air traffic
controllers at major airports like LAX and Chicago and it’s like
watching someone juggling a couple dozen chain saws. No slip-ups
allowed.

Add to the pressure the requirement that controllers are
expected to cover different shifts in a 24-hour operation and you
have a recipe for slumber.

Yet, controllers are not allowed a “cat nap” while on break. Federal
law, however, mandates sleep requirements for truck drivers.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, in a dubious show of leadership,
announced he was making sure controllers would get an extra hour off
between shifts to alleviate the problem. Which is like putting a
Band-Aid on a broken leg.

Then there are the ticket prices.

According to a story in the New York Times, carriers have already
increased their fares four times since the start of the year,
compared with only three increases for all of 2010. The airlines have
also raised some of their fees, imposed summer peak-time surcharges
and added hefty fuel surcharges on international flights.

It would be heartening if income from these increases was to be used
for something like providing cots for air traffic controllers.

But no, they are being driven by spiraling oil prices.
Why oil prices are increasing is subject to debate. But it’s
interesting they usually coincide with vacation season.

Next, there’s the airworthiness factor. Southwest Airlines recently
grounded its fleet of Boeing 737-300s for inspection after one of its
planes was forced to make an emergency landing recently with a
five-foot hole in the roof of the cabin.

Earlier, United Airlines grounded its fleet of 96 Boeing 757s after
discovering it had not completed safety checks on a critical
equipment upgrade required by federal aviation regulators.
Which followed a mandate to U.S. airlines to inspect 683 Boeing Co.
757 planes for cracks after a hole opened on an American Airlines
plane earlier this year.

You might want to bring some duct tape when you fly.

Finally, there’s the Transportation Security Administration, those
good hands people who, despite thousands of complaints, continue with
their body scans and “enhanced” pat-down policy.

Just this past week, the TSA drew fire for patting down a 6-year-old
girl in New Orleans, because something “was amiss” when she passed
through a body scanner.

Maybe Hello Kitty is on the no-fly list.

It’s unclear if the child was traumatized by the incident although
there’s a good chance she’ll feel an irresistible urge to join the
ACLU when she grows up.

Is there any good news out there?

Well, there’s a new set of passenger-rights rules proposed by the
Department of Transportation.

The new regulations, set to take effect later this year, would add
international flights to the current ban on keeping passengers
stranded on a delayed domestic flight for more than three hours.

The rules would also require airlines to reimburse passengers for bag
fees if their bags are lost, increase the compensation for passengers
who are bumped from flights, and require airlines to prominently
disclose extra fees on their websites.

In other words, basic passenger comfort and fairness in business
dealings are now a matter of law, the result of industry abuses.

Don’t lecture me about excess regulation.

Happy landings.

The Trump Card

2011-04-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

With the announcement that he intends to run for reelection,
President Obama has kicked off what pundits call the race for the
White House but I like to think of as the quadrennial political
circus.

Step right up folks and see daring politicians walk the tightrope of
truth. Be amazed by the hundreds of millions of dollars spent. Hear
astounding campaign promises. Witness daring feats of character
assassination.

Like most circuses, this show features plenty of clowns.
Few Democrats will appear in the center ring, however. The President
will be the nominee of his party and we will be spared the usual
parade of hopefuls and has-beens who engage in buffoonery this time
of year.

Who would challenge him? Hillary Clinton might be interested if it
appeared Sarah Palin might become the first female president.

Jerry Brown has been a perennial candidate. Indeed, if he straightens
out the California fiscal disaster he should be made Emperor for
Life. He won’t, of course, so put away the scepter and crown.

Which brings us to the Republicans who have no shortage of bewigged,
bulbous nosed, floppy footed, seltzer-down-the-pants characters.

It is not our purpose today to list them all because one stands above
all others. He is the clown of clowns, a man whose campaign to become
President of the United States is a pie in the face of voters
everywhere.

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, I give you Donald Trump.

Cue the calliope music.

OK, I know we’ve heard this one before. He’s been talking about the
presidency for the last decade but always stayed on the sideline.

This time, however, he has caught the eye of the conservatives who
are very big this year in Republican circles. Trump wowed them at the
Conservative Political Action Conference meeting in Washington
recently by saying that “the United States has become a whipping post
for the rest of the world.”

The Fox network has given him his own show. Rush Limbaugh praised
him. And he’s willing to spend hundreds of millions of his own
dollars (he ought to check with Meg Whitman and Ross Perot before
he starts writing checks).

Is this the year the Executive Mansion becomes the House of Trump?

Is the world ready for a President who combs his hair with a
Cuisinart and isn’t acting in his role as a snarling boss/jerk on a
reality show?.

Will the American public embrace a candidate who, in a blatant
attempt to court the Tea Party fringe, has made the centerpiece of
his campaign the Obama birth certificate nonsense which has been
discredited by the likes of former President George Bush, Karl Rove
and John McCain?

The answers, in no particular order, are no, no and no.

Donald Trump, if he were to become a serious candidate, would have
one primary motive and it isn’t service to his country. Donald Trump
is interested in promoting Donald Trump.

His political ambitions have always coincided with hawking of the
Trump brand.

He traveled to New Hampshire to test the waters in 1987 just ahead of
the presidential primaries and just in time for the release of his
book, “The Art of the Deal,” according to the New York Times.

In 1999, he flirted with a presidential campaign just as his book,
“The America We Deserve,” was released.

This time his decision to run or not will coincide with the finale of
his TV show “Celebrity Apprentice.” Just a coincidence, I guess.

And the media buys into it each and every time.

“Trump and the press have a symbiotic relationship, not unlike bees
and flowers,” William Grueskin, dean of academic affairs for the
Columbia Journalism School said in a recently published interview.
“At least in the natural world, you get honey out of it. Out of this
campaign coverage, all you get are a lot of empty media moments about
someone who is unlikely to run, more unlikely to be nominated, and
utterly unlikely to win.”

There are few other problems with the Trumpster as well. He has
donated liberally to the Democratic Party in New York as recently as
2009.

He considers China not only a foe but a rude one at that. “These are
not our friends. These are our enemies. These are not people that
understand niceness,” he said on CNN.

He has gone from “pro-choice” to “pro-life.”

In fact, he has quickly transformed himself from what one pundit
several years ago described as a “liberal leaning populist” to a
steely eyed hawk.

Stripped away of the trappings of wealth and fame, Donald Trump is
just a salesman.

And I’m betting the American public ain’t buying.

LOL at the King's English

2011-04-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

Think of the Oxford Dictionary and you think of a rock-ribbed,
tradition-hugging defender of the King’s English.

Or so we were led to believe.

The Oxford wordsmiths, however, recently announced that they were
adding LOL and OMG to their dictionary because words "like these are
strongly associated with the language of electronic communications,"
and have entered the mainstream because of how easy they are to use.

Welcome to the post-literate society, the era of the three-second
attention span, the world of techno-babble. All brought to you by the
Oxford English Dictionary.

Or to put it another way, OMG, I’d LOL if it wasn’t so tragic, IMHO.
(For those who need a translation, it reads “Oh My God, I’d Laugh Out
Loud if it wasn’t so tragic In My Humble Opinion..”)

Look, I’m no wizened grammarian whose last whose last slang utterance
was “23 Skidoo.”

I’m not suggesting we draw the line at anything written or spoken
this side of the Elizabethan era. I certainly understand that words
and phrases reflecting popular culture enter into the lexicon by the
truckload.

But there’s something cold and sterile about using acronyms or geek
speak in place of words. Words, in whatever language, paint pictures,
convey ideas, excite the imagination, conjure up visions both dark
and beautiful.

I am not swept away on the wings of language when I read
thumb-generated gossip in abbreviated form understood primarily by
13-year-old girls who are BFF (best friends forever).

I’d like to think that if the Hemmingways and Fitzgeralds and
Steinbecks were still with us, they’d shun expressing themselves in
140 characters or less on their Twitter account.

The Oxford bunch, after succumbing to what they call “initialism,”
for good measure throw in “wag,” “notable for the extremely fast
journey from its introduction to the language to its use as usual
English vocabulary. In 2002, the Sunday Telegraph reported that the
staff at the England footballers’ pre-World Cup training camp
referred to the players’ partners collectively as ‘Wags’, from the
initial letters of ‘wives and girlfriends’.

“Such was the exposure the term received in this period that it
became a byword for the female partners of male professionals (in
football and in other spheres).”

I’m not sure but I think if I referred to my wife as a “wag” I’d be
SOTC (sleeping on the couch).

And if all the above isn’t distressing enough, the Oxfordians also
added “la-la land which can refer either to Los Angeles(in which case
its etymology is influenced by the common initialism for that city),
or to a state of being out of touch with reality—and sometimes to
both simultaneously.”

La-La-Land is a place where you can eat a “taquito” or a “California
roll,” two other words the Brits have just discovered and added to
their dictionary.

Is that any way to treat a city that just bestowed its highest honor
on a movie called “The King’s Speech”?

To be sure, the Oxford folks have anointed some words and phrases
that are clever such as dot-bomb (a failed internet company) and
couch surfing (the practice of spending the night on other people’s
couches in lieu of permanent housing).

There’s also ego surf (to surf the World Wide Web looking for
references to one's name, via search engines) and godbotherer, in
England a person who insists on promoting his or her religious
beliefs on others, whether they want it or not.

And our Oxford friends, who, by the way, refer to their publication
as the OED, point out that many of these terms aren’t really new.
“As such usage indicates, many people would consider these recent
coinages, from the last 10 or 20 years, and associate them with a
younger generation conversant with all forms of digital
communications. As is often the case, OED’s research has revealed
some unexpected historical perspectives: our first quotation for OMG
is from a personal letter from 1917; the letters LOL had a previous
life, starting in 1960, denoting an elderly woman (or ‘little old
lady’)...

Not that a little history justifies dumbing down the language.

Samuel Johnson must be TOIHG (turning over in his grave) in MNSHO (my
not so humble opinion).

Disasters and Dollars

2011-03-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's not always easy, but most journalists try to keep an emotional arms' length distance from a story.

Emotional involvement can cloud one's judgment. So we set aside personal feelings when the need arises.

But we're not soulless automatons. When I witnessed the apocalyptic disaster that is Japan this past week, I reached for my checkbook and contacted the Red Cross.

I've done it before. After Katrina. After Haiti.

But this time I felt a twinge of donor's remorse. Primarily, I wondered how much of my donation would get to the people in need.

I remembered an Associated Press report from Haiti on the first anniversary of the devastating earthquake reporting that "a year after the quake, workers are still finding bodies in the rubble. About a million people remain homeless. ... A cholera epidemic that erupted outside the quake zone has killed more than 3,600 people. Less than 5 percent of the debris has been cleared."

And this was after donations that by some estimates exceeded a billion dollars. Then there was something else.

Katrina struck my country. It hurt my people. My family lived in New Orleans for a number of years so the feelings ran deep.

I didn't hesitate on Haiti, a nation so dirt poor that it needed humanitarian relief on an unprecedented scale. Hundreds of thousands died. Some 250,000 residences and 30,000 commercial structures collapsed.

But Japan is a wealthy nation. It's a highly developed and educated country whose GDP is similar to the United States. And like the U.S., it's not a place one thinks of as needing international aid.

Did they really need my donation?

Apparently I wasn't alone in asking that question. Through midweek, charities raised more than $47 million in the first four days after the disaster struck in Japan. By contrast, four days after the earthquake struck in Haiti last year, more than $150million had been raised.

Some organizations aren't event asking for money. Nicole Wallace, a senior writer for the Chronicle of Philanthropy, told MSNBC that 14 relief organizations her publication spoke with were not actively raising funds, either because they focus only on developing countries or because they were holding off to see if they were needed.

And while U.S. corporations have promised $50 million in donations, it's largely because many have close business ties to Japan and have employees there. But the money has to come from somewhere and the cost will probably be passed on to you.

Finally, Japan rejected most international offers of help following the Kobe earthquake in 1995 that killed more than 6,000 people.

So are we foolish to donate to Japan earthquake/tsunami relief?

No.

First of all, it fulfills an emotional need. We cannot watch the innocent victims of a disaster without the feeling that we need to do something, anything to help. It's what makes us human. That applies globally as well. Foreign countries offered the U.S. $854 million following Katrina.

Second, donations to a reputable charity do some good. The American Red Cross is channeling donations to the Japanese Red Cross which, in the first 24 hours, dispatched 62 response teams. These medical relief teams - made up of about 400 doctors, nurses and support staff - are already providing assistance in affected areas through mobile medical clinics.

And if your donation isn't put to work in Japan, it will be used for the next disaster whenever and wherever that will occur.

Finally, the nuclear component of this disaster makes it unparalleled in recent history.

A massive earthquake followed by a killer tsunami that may trigger a nuclear meltdown would be rejected as unrealistic for a movie script.

And yet it happened. Real people suffer and die. Entire cities are demolished. Hundreds of thousands are displaced.

It will take all of us to put Japan back together again.

The Dating game

2011-03-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

My wife and I met the old-fashioned way. We were introduced by
friends, a chance encounter than led to love and marriage.

We were lucky. Had computer dating existed in those days, we would
never have met.

She was raised prim and proper in a small town in western
Pennsylvania that resembled a Norman Rockwell painting. I was from
Los Angeles, had been a rock musician, a frat boy, a cop reporter.

She had gone to work for the federal government after graduating from
college. I worked for the federal government, too, but not by choice.
I had been drafted into the Army and spent my days as a soldier.

Clearly, some computer program would have declared us incompatible.

Yet, without the assistance of algorithms to make sure our tolerances
and preferences interfaced, we have been wed for 44 years.

I’m not knocking computer dating. If I was single, I might give it a
try, especially if they had a category for aging journalists with a
skeptical world view.

After all, thousands participate and revenues
for online dating services reach into the hundreds of millions of
dollars.

You can always tell when Valentine’s Day is approaching. Commercials
for computer dating services flood the airways, battling jewelry ads
for prime TV exposure.

And it’s often a hard sell. One popular website apparently has taken
to sending out e-mails on a person’s birthday to remind him or her
that another year has gone by without a significant other.

They call it marketing. I call it emotional waterboarding.

The dating game has become as complex as the society we live in. But
the electronic lonely hearts club business has made it easy. There
are websites now that promise to link up couples from every ethnic,
religious, life-style and sexual preference subgroup imaginable.

Among the unique: Women Behind Bars, which offers to link
incarcerated women with interested men. Moto Date offers a solution to an age-old problem. You see a hottie next to you in traffic and have no way to make contact short of a fender bender. Members of this site receive a four-digit sticker to
put on their car, and if someone finds them attractive while behind
the wheel, all they have to do is go online, type in that code, and
make contact.

Trek Passions is for, you guessed it, those who desire to live long
and prosper with another Star Trek obsessed earthling. Or Klingon. Or
Romulan or Borg or whatever.

Since I’ve never come across many female Trekkies, I’m thinking the romance rate on this site is something less than warp speed.

Diaper Mates is the premiere destination for adult interested in
people who enjoy wearing diapers or looking at others who like to
wear them. We’ll leave this one without comment other than to note
the site has 11,000 members.

Ayn Rand Dating is for those whose lives have been forever altered
after reading “The Fountainhead” or “Atlas Shrugged.” First dates
include discussions of the morality of rational self-interest and
laissez-faire capitalism. Sample user profile: “ I am rational,
integrated, and efficacious. So far, I’ve never met a person who
lives up to the standard I hold for myself...I only kiss those who
deserve it, and so far I have only encountered one who did. I would
love to find someone I can learn something from; someone who
challenges me to think; someone I can feel like I’ve won, rather than
lowered myself to.”

With all these choices, you’d think computer dating would be an
unqualified success. But there’s a fly in the ointment, a flaw as old
as the mating ritual itself.

People lie.

According to an exhaustive study conducted by an online dating site,
the biggest fibs are, in no particular order: Height - people, mostly
guys, are two inches shorter in real life.

Income, people exaggerate it by about 20 per cent.

Pictures - The more attractive the picture, the more likely it is out of date.

If that’s not bad enough, there’s datetalk, in which words take on
new meanings: 40-ish means 49. Athletic: small breasted. Emotionally secure: on
medication. Fun: annoying. New Age: doesn’t shave her legs. Open
Minded: desperate. Outgoing: loud and embarrassing. Voluptuous:
overweight. Needs soul mate: a stalker.

Which reminds me of the Dorthy Parker ditty, written long before the
age of computers:
By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying. -

Hold the Phone

2011-03-18T21:55:00.000-07:00

I was playing golf recently when my attention was drawn to four young
men on an adjacent fairway.

They walked toward the green in a single file, heads bowed, silent,
as though they were initiates in some sort of Druid ceremony.

Upon closer inspection I realized they were absorbed in their
smartphones, either texting or reading e-mails or surfing the web.

In the middle of a match. On a beautiful course dotted with all manner
of flora and fauna.

The incident underscored my belief that we may very soon evolve into
a race of people with bowed necks and downturned gazes, the result of
continuous smart phone use.

I offer as evidence a recent YouTube video of a young woman at a
shopping mall who was so intent on her phone that walked straight
into fountain where she splashed like a turtle on its back for
several minutes before pulling herself to dry land.

Well, I vowed, they won’t get me. I will remain head held high and
eyes forward for the rest of my days.

Alas, fate intervened. I lost my cellphone, a simple model that
merely made and received phone calls, and allowed myself to be sold a
new model that records videos, has movie, TV, magazine, newspaper and
social network access, offers games, displays your e-mail, functions
as a calendar and alarm clock, gives you directions to your
destination, plays music, even finds your car if it’s lost. Among
other things.

And while they call them smart phones. I’m not sure I was so smart in
buying one. Because once you’ve become adept in operating them,
you’re addicted.

Like the unsuspecting citizenry in “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,”
I have become one of Them, a member of the mesmerized cell phone
zombies to whom all life outside of their hand-held devices is
irrelevant if not nonexistent.

That’s not exactly true. I have maintained enough humanity to lead a
somewhat normal life. Just because I’ve skipped a few meals so I can
afford to pay for all the extra goodies my phone has to offer doesn’t
mean I’m a bad person.

These extra goodies are called “apps,” short for applications. The
lovely young salesthing at the phone store told me there are 100,000
of them available through the phone. Some are free, most charge extra.

To be sure, many of these apps have some legitimate value, offering
books and reference, business and education downloads, health and
fitness advice.

Then there are these culled from my smartphone and the Internet:

The iNap@Work app plays a series of recorded typing, clicking,
stapling or pencil sharpening sound effects to fool your coworkers
into thinking you're being productive. Meanwhile, you're fast asleep
at your desk enjoying a post-lunch nap.

One app keeps track of how many beers you drink. You have to pay for
it but it’s probably a lot cheaper than getting a DUI after
forgetting how many beers you’ve had throughout the course of the
night.

Health officials in New York have released an app to help its
citizens find free condoms. It’s designed to locate the five nearest
venues that distribute official NYC Condoms in jazzy wrappers printed
with colorful subway maps or other city themes.

It could be used in concert with the Roman Catholic App, designed to
be used as a confessional, with a personalized examination of
conscience for each user.

The Taxi Hold em application makes a loud whistling sound and
displays a bright taxi sign to get the attention of nearby cabbies.
It also alerts muggers that you are near.

iMouse is a call alert application. Whenever you have an incoming
call, a little naughty mouse appears, knocks at the screen and shouts
“Hey! Haaaay!! ‘knock knock’ Please answer your phone.”

Then, for those who just can’t get their fill of Fascism, there’s the
iMussolini app that includes audio, video and transcripts of 120
speeches by the wartime Italian leader.

And for those who can’t be separated from their smartphones even
momentarily, there is the LM Technologies Bluetooth bracelet. It
vibrates if the user moves more than five feet away from the phone.

Ain’t technology grand.

The New Poll Tax

2011-03-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

What happens in New Hampshire should stay in New Hampshire.

One might reasonably come to that conclusion based on the antics of
the state’s politicians in recent weeks.

Last week, we reported that two New Hampshire pols advocated charging
TSA agents with sexual assault for doing their jobs.

Specifically, random airport security pat-downs and body scans would
make "the touching or viewing with a technological device of a
person's breasts or genitals by a government security agent without
probable cause a sexual assault."

"Let's put their name on the sex offender registry, and maybe that
will tell them New Hampshire means business," huffed bill co-sponsor
Rep. Andrew Manuse, R-Derry.

OK, that’s just plain goofy. Among other things, it’s in all
likelihood a federal matter and the state’s jurisdiction is
questionable. Nothing to see here, move on.

But now New Hampshire House Republicans are pushing for new laws that
would prohibit many college students from voting in the state - or
maybe even voting at all.

They are rallying behind House speaker William O’Brien who, in a
speech to a Tea Party group, said college kids are “foolish. Voting
as a liberal. That's what kids do," he added. Students lack "life
experience," and "they just vote their feelings."

Just as an aside, I’m betting Mr. O’Brien voted with his feelings
when he marked his ballot for John McCain and Sarah Palin. And I’m
willing to bet that those in his tea bagger audience would loudly
voice their feelings at the drop of a three-cornered hat.

But back to the issue at hand. To weed out these “foolish” voters,
especially those who might vote Democratic, two bills were
introduced. One would permit students to vote in their college towns
only if they or their parents had previously established permanent
residency there - requiring all others to vote in the states or other
New Hampshire towns they come from.

Another bill would end Election Day registration, which O'Brien said
unleashes swarms of students on polling places, creating
opportunities for fraud.

What’s next, a poll tax? That kept African-Americans out of the
political process for a hundred years or more. It just might work on
a bunch of college kids.

In a unique burst of rational thinking, the New Hampshire legislature
temporarily sidetracked the bills this week, perhaps realizing they
were unconstitutional.

But the issue isn’t dead. A hearing will be held this summer on the
measures in plenty of time to change the laws before the 2012
election.

We could chalk this up to a handful of misguided zealots tucked away
in the deep northeastern woods. Except, as an article in the
Washington Post points out, the measures in New Hampshire are among
dozens of voting-related bills being pushed by newly empowered
Republican state lawmakers across the country - prompting partisan
clashes akin to those already roiling in some states over GOP moves
to curb union power.

I’ve always believed a party that comes to power does so because it
appeals to the greatest proportion of voters. Sure, there’s been
fraud in the past but for the most part democracy works just as our
forefathers designed it to do.

But apparently, there’s a new strategy at work. If you want to win,
disenfranchise those who oppose you. Simply raise the specter of
fraud and cut them out of the political process.

"It's a war on voting," said Thomas Bates, vice president of Rock the
Vote, a youth voter- registration group mounting a campaign to fight
the array of state measures. "We'd like to be advocating for a
21st-century voting system, but here we are fighting against efforts
to turn it back to the 19th century."

We could also presume that if the Republicans succeeded in this
Draconian exercise, the Democrats might try to play the same game,
say banning people over 65, who tend to vote Republican, on the
grounds that age has diminished their judgment.

Insanity begets insanity.

Here’s the bottom line: In the last three general elections - 2004,
2006, and 2008 -- young voters have given the Democratic Party a
majority of their votes, and for all three cycles they have been the
party's most supportive age group.

In 2008, according to a Pew survey, 66% of those under age 30 voted for Barack Obama making the disparity between young voters and other age groups larger than in
any presidential election since exit polling began in 1972.

The GOP is clearly running second in a two-person race and has a lot
of work to do to win the hearts and minds of young voters.

They can start by reaching out to them. But treating the young as
political lepers which will only further alienate them.

Hola, Oscar

2011-02-28T22:08:00.000-08:00

Did you know that Oscar is a Latino?

While movie fans may think the coveted statuette which will be
presented at the Academy Award ceremonies tonight is as American as
apple pie, it’s actually closer to carne asada.

It turns out that when MGM's art director Cedric Gibbons, an original
Academy member, was selected to supervise the design of the trophy,
he found himself in need of a model.

Gibbons was introduced by his then wife Dolores del Río to Mexican
film director and actor Emilio "El Indio" Fernández. Although
initially reluctant, Fernández was finally convinced to pose nude to
create the statue. He thus became the first film buff.

This bit of trivia is by way of introducing the subject of the day:
The Academy Awards, a subject about which I know not so much.

I know this, however. On Academy Awards day, the womenfolk of my
family descend on my den like seagulls on a landfill to watch the
entire broadcast, from the first anorexic actress slinking down the
red carpet to the last endless thank-you speech. I stand dutifully by
with wine (which I pour) and food (which I serve), silently efficient
like a bit player in “The King’s Speech.”

I’ve always been a bit blasé about the Oscars. Maybe it’s because I
was born in Hollywood and have spent most of my life nearby.
Familiarity breeds indifference over time. Let’s face it, not
everyone in Pasadena goes ga-ga over the Rose Parade every year.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve met many people who possess Oscars, Emmys,
Grammys, Tonys and the like. Some are larger than life. But most are
talented people who simply work hard and do their jobs well. The
difference between us and them is that while we may get a raise, they
are rewarded with thunderous applause dressed in tuxedos and gowns
on worldwide television.

Then there’s the overkill factor. By the time we are subjected to the
Golden Globes, the Peoples’ Choice Awards, the MTV Awards, the
Critics’ Choice Awards, the Writers’ Guild Awards the Directors’
Guild awards and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, among others, the
results become predictable. The Academy Awards becomes a spectacle,
not a drama.

What I really dislike about awards shows, and the Academy Awards in
particular, are the acceptance speeches. Sure, there have been some
genuine moments over the years. But put an actor on live TV without a
script and chaos lurks. They often end up embarrassing themselves,
the Academy and on occasion the human race.

Let’s dump the thank-yous entirely. That means we would miss a lot of
tearful tributes to parents and spouses and children and agents along
with the occasional political rant which mostly serves to alienate
rather than educate.

The only acceptance speech I ever enjoyed came from Roberto Benigni
(Best Actor for “La Vita e bella” in 1999) who said, “I feel like now
really to dive in this ocean of generosity. This is too much . . . I
would like to be Jupiter and kidnap everybody and lie down in the
firmament making love to everybody."

Unfortunately, most fail to rise to this standard.

While were at it, let’s quit fooling around with the Ellen
DeGenereses and Hugh Jackmans and return Billy Crystal to his
rightful position as permanent host. He’s done it eight times and
each one was a gem.

And let’s dump the Best Song category, which officially died in 2005
when a happy little ditty called "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp” won
the Oscar. Can you name the last three award winners? Neither can I.

Jettison a few categories like the Best Foreign Documentary Under 30
Minutes That No One Will Ever See and we’re getting somewhere.

The whole show could be wrapped up in two hours or less.

And I’d get my den back.

Smart Guy

2011-02-21T22:42:00.000-08:00

I was playing golf recently when my attention was drawn to four young men on an adjacent fairway.

They walked toward the green in a single file, heads bowed, silent, as though they were initiates in some sort of Druid ceremony.

Upon closer inspection I realized they were absorbed in their smartphones, either texting or reading e-mails or surfing the web. In the middle of a match. On a beautiful course dotted with all manner of flora and fauna.

The incident underscored my belief that we may very soon evolve into a race of people with bowed necks and downturned gazes, the result of continuous smartphone use.

I offer as evidence a recent YouTube video of a young woman at a shopping mall who was so intent on her phone she walked straight into a fountain where she splashed like a turtle on its back for several minutes before pulling herself to dry land.

Well, I vowed, they won't get me. I will remain head held high and eyes forward for the rest of my days.

Alas, fate intervened. I lost my cellphone, a simple model that merely made and received phone calls, and allowed myself to be sold a new model that records videos, has movie, TV, magazine, newspaper and social-network access, offers games, displays your e-mail, functions as a calendar and alarm clock, gives you directions to your destination, plays music, even finds your car if it's lost. Among other things.

And while they call them smartphones, I'm not sure I was so smart in buying one. Because once you've become adept in operating them, you're addicted.

Like the unsuspecting citizenry in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," I have become one of "them," a member of the mesmerized cellphone zombies to whom all life outside of their handheld devices is irrelevant if not nonexistent. I, for one, welcome our new technological overlords.

That's not exactly true. I have maintained enough humanity to lead a somewhat normal life. Just because I've skipped a few meals so I can afford to pay for all the extra goodies my phone has to offer doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

These extra goodies are called "apps," short for applications. The lovely young salesthing at the phone store told me there are 100,000 of them available through the phone. Some are free, most charge extra.

To be sure, many of these apps have some legitimate value, offering books and reference, business and education downloads, health and fitness advice.

Then there are these culled from my smartphone and the Internet:

The iNap@Work app plays a series of recorded typing, clicking, stapling or pencil sharpening sound effects to fool your coworkers into thinking you're being productive. Meanwhile, you're enjoying a post-lunch nap.

One app keeps track of how many beers you drink. You have to pay for it but it's probably a lot cheaper than getting a DUI after forgetting how many beers you've had throughout the course of the night.

Health officials in New York have released an app to help its citizens find free condoms. It's designed to locate the five nearest venues that distribute official NYC Condoms in jazzy wrappers printed with colorful subway maps or other city themes.

It could be used in concert with the Roman Catholic App, designed to be used as a confessional, with a personalized examination of conscience for each user.

The Taxi Hold Em application makes a loud whistling sound and displays a bright taxi sign to get the attention of nearby cabbies. It also alerts muggers that you are near.

iMouse is a call alert application. Whenever you have an incoming call, a little naughty mouse appears, knocks at the screen and shouts "Hey! Haaaay!! Knock. Knock. Please answer your phone."

Then, for those who just can't get their fill of fascism, there's the iMussolini app that includes audio, video and transcripts of 120 speeches by the wartime Italian leader.

And for those who can't be separated from their smartphones even momentarily, there is the LM Technologies Bluetooth bracelet. It vibrates if the user moves more than five feet away from the phone.

Ain't technology grand.

Love in the Time of Cyberspace

2011-02-13T21:28:00.000-08:00

My wife and I met the old-fashioned way. We were introduced by
friends, a chance encounter than led to love and marriage.

We were lucky. Had computer dating existed in those days, we would
never have met.

She was raised prim and proper in a small town in western
Pennsylvania that resembled a Norman Rockwell painting. I was from
Los Angeles, had been a rock musician, a frat boy, a cop reporter.

She had gone to work for the federal government after graduating from
college. I worked for the federal government, too, but not by choice.
I had been drafted into the Army and spent my days as a soldier.

Clearly, some computer program would have declared us incompatible.

Yet, without the assistance of algorithms to make sure our tolerances
and preferences interfaced, we have been wed for 44 years.

I’m not knocking computer dating. If I was single, I might give it a
try, especially if they had a category for aging journalists with a
skeptical world view. After all, thousands participate and revenues
for online dating services reach into the hundreds of millions of
dollars.

You can always tell when Valentine’s Day is approaching. Commercials
for computer dating services flood the airways, battling jewelry ads
for prime TV exposure.

And it’s often a hard sell. One popular website apparently has taken
to sending out e-mails on a person’s birthday to remind him or her
that another year has gone by without a significant other.

They call it marketing. I call it emotional waterboarding.

The dating game has become as complex as the society we live in. But
the electronic lonely hearts club business has made it easy. There
are websites now that promise to link up couples from every ethnic,
religious, life-style and sexual preference subgroup imaginable.

Among the unique: Women Behind Bars, which offers to link
incarcerated women with interested men.

Moto Date offers a solution to an age-old problem. You see a hottie
next to you in traffic and have no way to make contact short of a
fender bender. Members of this site receive a four-digit sticker to
put on their car, and if someone finds them attractive while behind
the wheel, all they have to do is go online, type in that code, and
make contact.

Trek Passions is for, you guessed it, those who desire to live long
and prosper with another Star Trek obsessed earthling. Or Klingon. Or
Romulan or Borg or whatever. Since I’ve never come across many female
Trekkies, I’m thinking the romance rate on this site is something
less than warp speed.

Diaper Mates is the premiere destination for adult interested in
people who enjoy wearing diapers or looking at others who like to
wear them. We’ll leave this one without comment other than to note
the site has 11,000 members.

Ayn Rand Dating is for those whose lives have been forever altered
after reading “The Fountainhead” or “Atlas Shrugged.” First dates
include discussions of the morality of rational self-interest and
laissez-faire capitalism. Sample user profile: “ I am rational,
integrated, and efficacious. So far, I’ve never met a person who
lives up to the standard I hold for myself...I only kiss those who
deserve it, and so far I have only encountered one who did. I would
love to find someone I can learn something from; someone who
challenges me to think; someone I can feel like I’ve won, rather than
lowered myself to.”

With all these choices, you’d think computer dating would be an
unqualified success. But there’s a fly in the ointment, a flaw as old
as the mating ritual itself.

People lie.

According to an exhaustive study conducted by an online dating site,
the biggest fibs are, in no particular order: Height - people, mostly
guys, are two inches shorter in real life. Income, people exaggerate
it by about 20 per cent. Pictures - The more attractive the picture,
the more likely it is out of date.

If that’s not bad enough, there’s datespeak, in which words take on
new meanings:

40-ish means 49. Athletic: small breasted. Emotionally secure: on
medication. Fun: annoying. New Age: doesn’t shave her legs. Open
Minded: desperate. Outgoing: loud and embarrassing. Voluptuous:
overweight. Needs soul mate: a stalker.

Which reminds me of the Dorthy Parker ditty, written long before the
age of computers:

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.

Football, Los Angeles Style

2011-02-13T21:22:00.000-08:00

When the first Super Bowl was played in Los Angeles in 1967, it
didn’t exactly play to rave reviews.

“The Super Bowl yesterday was a representative example of most
television dramas coming out of Los Angeles,” Jack Gould wrote in the
New York Times. “The advance buildup was more impressive than the
show, and the script fell apart in the second half.”

But like a Broadway play that survives the slings and arrows of the
critics, the Super Bowl thrived, thanks in part to large doses of
hype and hysteria.

Not so professional football in Southern California. It was sacked by
a couple of blitzing linebackers named Greed and Incompetence.

The last NFL game was played in 1994. Shortly thereafter, both the
Rams and the Raiders packed up and left, settling in the garden spots
of St. Louis and Oakland.

The last Super Bowl contested here was at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena
in 1993. In the ensuing years, such must-see destinations as Detroit
and Houston have hosted the game. And we have been left, our noses
pressed against the window pane.

That’s all about to change, if you believe the boys down at AEG.
They are proposing a billion dollar, state-of-the art stadium hard by
Staples Center, which they also own.

Indeed, they hosted the biggest love fest this town has seen since
the Golden Globes to announce last week that Farmers Insurance will
pay a cool $700 million over 30 years for the naming rights. There
goes your homeowners insurance rates.

Naturally, the place would be called Farmers Field, just the kind of
name you associate with the power elite and glitterati of Los Angeles.

At the press conference, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, former Mayor
James Hahn, business tycoon Eli Broad and sports icon Magic Johnson
were joined by other members of the city’s rich and famous to lead
the cheerleading for the project. All that was missing was Santa
Claus and the Easter Bunny.

So does that mean NFL football in L.A. is about to become a reality?

Forget for the moment that the name of the stadium sounds like an
organic turnip co-op. Forget for the moment that there’s no team to
play in this proposed stadium. Forget that in the past teams have
used Los Angeles as leverage to get new stadia in their home towns.

If this project doesn’t work, nothing will.

That doesn’t mean it’s not without problems. Like many a farmer’s
field, something doesn’t smell right here.

It looks good on paper. AEG guarantees that not a nickel of public
money will be necessary to build the stadium. Well, sort of. The plan
involves tearing down and rebuilding a section of the existing
convention center – a project that might require $350 million in
bonds. AEG says that ticket tax revenue from the new stadium would be
enough to pay off that debt, and the company would cover any
shortfalls.

But, according to longtime City Hall watcher and author Bill
Boyarsky, the $350 million bond issue for the football facility would
probably be added to the convention center authority’s existing $445
million debt, bringing total indebtedness to $795 million. This would
boost debt repayment, or service, payments by $25 million or possibly
$30 million a year.

In other words, Boyarsky wrote, more than $70 million a year would
come from the city treasury to repay the combined debt of the
convention center and the football stadium.

That’s a hefty load for a city that’s playing footsie with
bankruptcy. And, as we learned from the Rose Bowl renovation,
sometimes bonds don’t sell, subject as they are to the fluctuations
of the market.

Then there are the traffic issues. Imagine, if you will, a Monday
night game downtown. With a Lakers game at Staples.

Now, some members of the Los Angeles City Council have blinked. They
have formed a working group to study the AEG proposal lest they get
accused of funding a River City Boys Band.

Certainly, they will find, this kind of money could be spent for
other purposes. They may even find the city is going to be on the
hook for more cash than they think.

But I’m betting the AEG project has the kind of support and momentum
behind it that will roll over any opposition.

Combine that with the opiate that is NFL football and a city hungry
for jobs and revenue and you have a juggernaut.

Left in the dust will be the Ed Roski stadium plan for the city of
Industry, which is already becoming an afterthought.

I’m guessing the Los Angeles Chargers open their season at Farmers
Field in 2015.

Put These Words on Ice

2011-02-13T21:18:00.000-08:00

I had never heard of Lake Superior State University before. Using my
incredible, almost Holmesian powers of perception, I deduced it was
somewhere in the vicinity of Lake Superior, which sits atop the state
of Michigan.

I was correct. In fact, it’s in Sault St.Marie, Mich., a town I
imagine remains encased in ice half of the year and where the
inhabitants still pay for their groceries in beaver pelts.

It turns out that the good people at Lake Superior State while away
those long winter months putting together a document they call the
“Annual List of Words Banished from the Queen's English for Misuse,
Over-use and General Uselessness.” They’ve been doing it for 36 years.

And I’m glad they do. It’s clever, thought-provoking and pretty much
spot on.

I’m also glad because I needed something to write about this week and
the State of the Union Address turned out to be as exciting as the
treasurer’s report at a PTA meeting. On the “You Lie!” scale, 10
representing shouted insults directed at the President by
scarlet-faced morons, and 0 indicating deep sleep, this year’s SOTU
speech rated about a 2.

But enough about that. Lake Superior State’s banished words and
phrases this year include such worthy entries as “epic,” “fail,”
“viral” and the ever popular “mama grizzlies.”

Some highlights:

“Epic” to me signified something Cecil B. DeMille committed to film.
But recently, it has come to mean anything above average. Therefore,
your Chinese take out last night was an “epic meal” and your
8-year-old Suburu is an “epic” automobile. As one contributor noted,
“epic” needs to be banished until people recognize that echoing
trite, hyperbolic Internet phrases in an effort to look witty or
intelligent actually achieves the opposite.

Same with “fail” which now signifies anything that is a mistake.
Watch any You Tube clip of a skateboarder falling on his head and it
will be labeled “fail.” As if we needed to be told. Those who use it
endlessly fail Basic Language 101.

“Viral” has come to mean something that spreads on the Internet, for
example, “that skateboarder falling on his head video went viral.”
Where I come from, it means “of, pertaining to, or caused by a
virus.” I vote we quarantine this new, diseased meaning.

“Wow factor.” It was an instant cliche the first time it was uttered.

“A-Ha moment.” It signifies the moment you understand something.
Can’t we just say that?

“BFF.” It means “best friends forever” in text talk. But now there’s
BFFA for Best Friends for Awhile. Stop it before it spreads.

“Man Up.” “A stupid phrase when directed at men,” a contributor
observed. “Even more stupid when directed at a woman, as in 'Alexis,
you need to man up and join that Pilates class!'" Which raises the
question: Do the ladies “woman up”?

Back story: “"This should be on the list of words that don'at need to
exist because a perfectly good word has been used for years,” wrote
one contributor. “In this case, the word is 'history,' or, for those
who must be weaned, 'story.'"

Courtesy of Sarah Palin we have “mama grizzlies” and “refudiate.” I
actually thought her use of “mama grizzlies” was kind of cute,
especially as a way to frame her hunter/gatherer political views. As
for “refudiate,” all of us butcher the language from time to time.
Her sin was comparing herself to Shakespeare as a wordsmith.

“I’m just saying.” A phrase used to diffuse any ill feelings caused
by a preceded remark, according to the Urban Dictionary. As in,
“Sarah Palin is a Shakespearean wordsmith. I’m just saying.” Or, He:
“That dress doesn’t fit you right.” She: “Are you saying I’m fat?”
He: “I’m just saying.”

Back in 1976, when this exercise started, the list included
“scenario. It can be roughly translated as ‘I don't know what had
happened (or will happen) but this is a scenario.’ Means: ‘I'm making
this up.’”) and “Implement and Viable - Gobbledygook disguised as
intelligence: as in ‘that is not a viable alternative which we can
implement.’ which means ‘We don't want to do it and think you have a
crazy idea here.’”

Civility and Other Myths

2011-01-25T14:28:00.000-08:00

In the wake of the Tucson shootings, people of good will have decided to tone down the political rhetoric in this country.

OK, I'm on board. I will no longer call you a fear-mongering wingnut if you refrain from referring to me as a dupe of the Marxist conspiracy.

Anything that cools the atmosphere of verbal extremism is to be embraced.

It will take a little restraint and discipline and it may make it harder for the Limbaughs and Olbermanns of the world to make a living. But that's a bonus.

Civility, it's what's for dinner.

Unfortunately, not everyone has received the message.

A spokesperson for the Governors Highway Safety Association, recently noting an uptick in pedestrian deaths in 2010, laid the blame at the feet of First Lady Michelle Obama.

In a bit of logic as tortured as any you will find, the spokesperson pointed out that the increase coincided with the First Lady's anti-obesity campaign, which encouraged people to get out and walk.

Michelle Obama is "trying to get us to walk to work and exercise a little bit more. While that's good, it also increases our exposure to risk," said GHSA's Jonathan Adkins.

Someone from the GHSA later said the agency was "misquoted." Of course. It's difficult to understand someone who has his foot in their mouth.

At least Mrs. Obama didn't get blamed for global warming. Yet.

In a related development, a story in the New York Post disclosed
that ratings for the Food Network, once one of the hottest destinations for cable TV watchers, have taken a major hit.

The network posted a 10.3 percent drop among viewers ages 25 to 54, considered a key category for advertisers. What's more, the network's quarterly declines worsened throughout the year, falling 3.3 percent in the second quarter and 4.5 percent in the third quarter, according to Nielsen figures

The blame here can clearly be laid at the feet of the Tournament of Roses. After all, the Rose Parade folks have been trolling the Food Network the last few years in search of grand marshals.

First, there was Emeril Legase, whose show was canceled faster than you can say "bam" even as he rode down Colorado Boulevard.

Next was Paula Deen, whose Southern-style fare can best be described as deep-fried cardiac arrest. Her recipes were once described as demonstrably more dangerous to America than a nuclear-armed North Korea.

Apparently, riding at the head of a parade whose television ratings are also declining is the career equivalent of a flat souffle.

Maybe next year the Tournament can solicit from a show with better ratings, like "America's Biggest Loser."

Unrelated to any of the above, the Chicago Bears and the Green Pay Packers will meet in the NFC championship game today in what is a special treat for lovers of old-time football. Really old-time football.

The two teams first met in 1921 and have butted heads and other body parts 181 times over the years.

Just to set the proper tone for the rivalry, the Bears and Packers are credited for the first-ever ejection of players for fighting during a game in 1924. The Bears' Frank Hanny and the Packers' Walter Voss were ejected before the end of the first half as verbal exchanges led to punches being thrown.

The teams will be dressed in their traditional uniforms, none of this fancified Nike stuff, which sometimes looks like it was designed by Jackson Pollock.

They will play on a rock-hard field in the bitter cold. No domed stadium for these guys.

And just for the record, President Obama likes Chicago by three points. Bet accordingly.

Recipe for Disaster

2011-01-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

Here's a recipe for disaster:

Take a mentally unhinged young man.

Put him in a state with some of the most lenient gun laws in the country.

Then place him in a county that has had more than 45 percent of its mental health service recipients forced off the public rolls in the name of a leaner government.

Allow him to buy a semi-automatic handgun after passing an instant background check. And let him conceal and carry his firearm, no permit necessary.

Mix in some highly charged political rhetoric which suggests "Second Amendment remedies" as a solution to the nation's real and imagined problems.

Bring it to a boil at a town hall session for a local congresswoman in front of a supermarket.

The result: An atrocious shooting rampage in Tucson that killed six people, including a federal judge and a 9-year-old girl, and wounded 14, including U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords who took a bullet in her brain. A troubled loner named Jared Lee Loughner, who apparently targeted Giffords, was arrested and charged in the attack.

In the aftermath, proposed solutions are met with a shrug of the shoulders. And then there's this:

One-day sales of handguns in Arizona jumped 60 percent the following Monday compared with the corresponding Monday a year ago, the second-biggest increase of any state in the country, according to FBI data.

Many of those sold were the Glock 9mm, used in this assault and also the weapon
of choice for Seung-Hui Cho, who killed 32 people in a shooting spree at Virginia Tech. Handgun sales rose 65 percent in Ohio; 16 percent in California; 38 percent in Illinois; and 33 percent in New York, the FBI data show.

And this: Two House of Representatives lawmakers - Republican Jason Chaffetz of Utah and Heath Shuler, a North Carolina Democrat - are pledging to carry firearms to guard against potential copycat attacks.

And also this: Legislation is being proposed in Arizona that would require the state to train and arm all elected officials and their staffs.

You read that right: the solution to gun violence is to arm even more people. If there's a problem, let them shoot it out.

Who needs due process? Why have a justice system? Just fire away and let the bodies fall where they may.

This surely is the road to insanity.

Let me establish something right here. The Second Amendment is a reality. We have the right to keep and bear arms and I do not wish it repealed. Second, I am no pacifist. I served in the U.S. Army Infantry and fired everything from carbines to mortars with great gusto.

I do not believe, however, we can blindly sell semi-automatic, concealed handguns with high-capacity magazines to anyone with the asking price, then react with shock and horror when an act of carnage takes place.

I do not believe, like a lot of yahoos, that the Second Amendment means we have a responsibility to bear arms.

I do believe we need to reinstitute the federal assault weapons ban, signed into law by President Clinton and allowed to expire under President Bush. It would, among other things, have prohibited the magazine which allowed the shooter to fire 33 rounds before he was stopped.

Are these manufactured for target practice? Get serious.

I believe we need to expand the National Instant Criminal Background Check System. It's unclear if the suspect would have been flagged in this system. But he should have been. He was well known to police and had been tossed out of his community college because of mental health issues.

I believe we need effective gun control. The right to bear arms doesn't allow you to own nuclear weapons, surface-to-air missiles or flame-throwers. We should add to that list semi-automatic handguns, super-sized ammo magazines and concealed weapons of any kind.

There are enough high-powered rifles, shotguns, target pistols and ammo available to keep the most ardent gun enthusiast happily occupied until his trigger finger bleeds.

If we do nothing, we have learned nothing from our bloody past. And we are doomed to repeat it.

Transfixed by TV

2011-01-10T21:48:00.000-08:00

I was 10 years old when the Old Man finally broke down and bought the
family its first TV set.

We wheeled it into the living room, hooked up the rabbit ears,
plugged it in and proceeded to gaze, slack jawed and wide eyed, at
anything and everything that appeared on the screen.

From “Time for Beanie” and “Space Patrol” to Jackie Gleason and Steve
Allen, from Alfred Hitchcock to “Playhouse 90,” from Ed Sullivan to
“Your Hit Parade”, we were transfixed.

Harry Owens and His Royal Hawaiians?. We watched it. Spike Jones?.
Absolutely. “I’ve Got a Secret” and “What’s My Line?” We were there.

Sports? I was in heaven. There was major league baseball, never seen
before in these parts. College and professional football, and, for
comic relief, roller derby and wrestling. The Gillette Cavalcade of
Sports, a fancy name for boxing, was a Friday night tradition.

Even then, the staples were doctors (“Dr. Kildare,” “Ben Casey”),
lawyers (“Perry Mason,” “The Defenders”) and cops (“Dragnet,” “Naked
City”).

American Idol? We had “Arthur Godfrey’s Talent Scouts” which was the
same show without the voting. We weren’t very interactive in those
days.

Reality shows? We had the mother of them all: “Candid Camera.”

I thought about all this the other day when I read the latest data on
American viewing habits as measured by the Nielsen Company, which has
been mapping the vast wasteland for more than a half century.

How much, I wondered, have things really changed since the 1950s?
Oh sure, we watch our shows on whiz-bang high def technical marvels
that gobble up wall space while doubling our utility bill.

And TV’s portrayal of America no longer consists of suburb dwelling
white people whose families are headed by kindly all-knowing fathers
with unlimited amounts of good advice and disposable income.

But some things remain the same. The Nielsen folks found that our
addiction to TV remains just as strong as it was in the early days.
In fact, Americans watched more television than ever in 2010. Total
viewing of broadcast networks and basic cable channels rose about 1
percent for the year, to an average of 34 hours per person per week.

Interestingly enough, Nielsen said that the most popular new offering
on television this year was “Hawaii Five-O,”) a remake of a
40-year-old cop show. Homicides and hulas, it seems, never get old.

Over the years, TV has seen more evolution than innovation.
Drama was a staple of early television. But whereas early offerings
were basically theatrical productions staged in a TV studio, today’s
presentations have broken old structural and narrative rules by
becoming serialized.

It isn’t “Death of a Salesman” but it isn’t bad.

Reality TV, born of economic necessity, evolved from simple game
shows to today’s endless parade of mind numbing silliness that has a
lock on prime time while filling the ranks of valet parking
attendants and waiters with unemployed actors.

As the New York Times reported recently, “Historians may someday note
with wonder that by the end of 2010, at least six cable television
shows were about auctioneers and pawnbrokers. And all were considered
successes by their respective channels.”

By far the biggest change in the television landscape is sports.
While it began as a weekend diversion (early TV execs believed
weekday viewers were mostly women so they began broadcasting sports
on weekends to attract male viewers), it has grown to a billion
dollar monster that dominates the landscape.

There’s not a minute in the day when there isn’t a sporting event
being broadcast. And the viewers lap it up.

Of the top 10 most viewed programs in 2010 as measured by Nielsen, 8
were football games. Even the best-liked commercial was a Snickers
spot featuring Betty White being tackled in a football game.
Who would have predicted it?

In the future, we may be getting our television broadcasts fed over
the Internet. And probably in 3-D.

But I’m betting there will still large helpings of sports and reality
shows. And lots of cops, lawyers and doctors.

Fat of the Land

2011-01-03T21:44:00.000-08:00

The month of January is largely characterized by the shocking
realization that our caloric intake over the holidays approximated
that of Sherpas ascending Mt. Everest.

And just to reinforce that notion, most TV commercials this month
will be hawking diet plans, gym memberships or weight loss surgery.

Shamed into submission, we vow to shape up. Assuming we listen to our
inner skinny person, we should all look like citizens of Sparta by
the time spring rolls around.

But there’s trouble up ahead. You can bet your broccoli floweret that
the fast food industry will attempt to lure us back into bad habits.

Indeed, just in time for the diet season, Burger King is offering the
Ultimate Breakfast Platter. That would be scrambled eggs, hash
browns, sausage, a flaky biscuit and three pancakes with syrup. If
you’re counting, it’s 1,310 calories and 72 grams of fat.

Not to be outdone, Dunkin' Donuts is launching Pancake Bites, with
bite-sized sausage links wrapped in a maple-flavored pancake.

Burger King counters with Funnel Cake Sticks, covered in powdered
sugar with a cup of icing sauce for dipping.

Jack in the Box has the breakfast pita pocket stuffed with scrambled
eggs, sliced ham, bacon, and melted American cheese. According to one
report, the breakfast pita has 438 milligrams of Cholesterol. That’s
146% of the USDA recommended daily amount.

That’s a great breakfast if you’re going to plow the back 40. If you
work at a desk, you’re in trouble.

There’s no letup for lunch or dinner.

Papa John’s is presenting a “gourmet” double bacon pizza with six
kinds of cheese.

KFC’s double down sandwich features two thick boneless Kentucky Fried
Chicken filets, two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey
Jack and pepper jack cheese and the Colonel's Sauce whatever that is.
That checks in at 1430 milligrams of sodium, just about your average
daily allowance.

The heavyweight champ is the Burger King pizza burger featuring four
quarter-pound Whopper patties on top of a nine-and-a-half inch sesame
seed bun. The burgers are then covered in pepperoni, mozzarella
cheese, marinara and Tuscan pesto sauce. Figure on consuming 2520
calories, and 144 grams of fat when you push away from the table
assuming you can.

If that isn’t bad enough, a new study shows that
toxicperfluoroalkyls, which are used in surface protection treatments
and coatings to keep grease from leaking through fast food wrappers,
are being ingested by people through their food and showing up as
contaminants in blood.

That’s right, the wrapper could make you ill.

The above is not an attempt to whet your appetite. Instead, it’s a
declaration of war.

As we did with tobacco, it’s time we do battle with an industry that
makes us ill.

You can argue that as an American, it’s your God-given right to pack
on the pounds. But consider this: As your waistline expands, so do my
health care costs.

More than half of Americans will have diabetes or be prediabetic by
2020 at a cost to the U.S. health care system of $3.35 trillion if
current trends go on unabated, according to analysis of a report
released by health insurer UnitedHealth Group Inc.

There’s good news from the front. A state law which went into effect
Jan. 1 requires that calorie counts have to be included on the menus
of restaurants with 20 or more locations in the state.

The state law will be superseded my federal regulations this spring
which will cover more restaurant chains and more items, including
alcoholic beverages.

That’s a start. But we need to start putting warning labels on fast
food, just as we did with cigarettes.

And, just as we restricted where and when people could smoke, we need
to restrict the number of fast-food outlets in this country. There
are nearly 14,000 McDonald’s in the U.S. and nearly 32,500 worldwide.
By comparison, there are 5,759 hospitals in the U.S.

Just something to chew on next time you order.

They Made a Difference

2010-12-27T16:20:00.000-08:00

We make it a point to try to look forward, not back, at year’s end.

We all know too well what transpired in the last 12 months. What’s
going to happen next is news.

Unfortunately, that puts us in the prediction business, which is
often a slippery slope. As Casey Stengal once said, “"Never make
predictions, especially about the future.”

So rather than put ourselves in the company of people who plan the
future --- or the lack of same --- using the Mayan calendar, we’ll
take this opportunity to simply salute some of those who passed from
the scene in 2010.

It’s a highly personal list containing some who were famous, others
who lived in anonymity. To all of them, we wish a fond farewell.

Lena Horne: A true American icon, she was not only a great singer but
a tireless advocate for civil rights. She was the first black
performer ever to sign a long-term contract with a major studio but
never got a leading role because at the time movies had to be
re-edited before they could play in states where theaters could not
show films with black actors.

John Shepherd-Baron: The next time you use a ATM, thank Mr.
Shepherd-Barron. He came up with the idea while soaking in the
bathtub in the early 1960's. The first ATM was installed in Barlclays
Bank north of London.

John Wooden: Perhaps the greatest coach in the history of collegiate
sports, he was much more than that. While winning 10 Division I NCAA
basketball championships at UCLA in 12 years and 88 straight
victories, he inspired his players to pursue success in life as well
as on the basketball court.

Fred Morrison: Fred became rich by giving the world the Frisbee, the
flying disk that was a favorite of adults, children and dogs
throughout the world.

Don Meredith: A star quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, he was a
part of the original broadcasting team that brought us, for better or
worse, Monday Night Football. He was folksy and light hearted, a
refreshing change from the fawning hero-worship school of
broadcasting. He was also the perfect foil for Howard Cossell, who
called game as though he was doing a reading of “MacBeth.”

Robert Culp: Just because “I Spy” with co-star Bill Cosby was great
television.

Peter Graves: Just because “Mission:Impossible” was great television.

Darryl Gates: The most revered and detested chief in LAPD history. He
instituted the SWAT team and the DARE anti-drug program, but failed
to keep pace with a city that underwent dramatic changes.

Art Clokey: A pioneer in the popularization of stop motion clay
animation, he invented Gumby.

Vernon Baker: Received the United States military's highest
decoration, the Medal of Honor, for his actions in World War II. He
was awarded the medal for his actions near Viareggio, Italy, when he
and his platoon killed 26 enemy soldiers and destroyed six machine
gun nests, two observer posts and four dugouts. But because he was
black, he waited until 1997 to receive his honor which was presented
to him by President Clinton.

Leslie Nielsen: Surely he can’t be gone. He is, and don’t called him
Shirley.

Merlin Olson: The Los Angeles Rams star brought class to the highly
unclassy position of defensive tackle.

Prince Chunk: A a domestic shorthair cat, who at one time was alleged
to weigh forty-four pounds.

Otto: A male dachshund-terrier cross who at 20 years and 8 months,
held the Guinness World Record as the world's oldest dog.

Donald Edward Goerke: An American business executive and food
developer, he invented SpaghettiOs.

David Wolper: The television and film producer was responsible for
such as “Roots”, “The Thorn Birds,” “North & South”, “L.A.
Confidential” and “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.” But perhaps
his most spectacular production was the opening and closing
ceremonies of the Los Angeles Olympics in 1984.

J.D. Salinger: Reclusive and enigmatic, he wrote “The Catcher in the
Rye,” in 1951, the ultimate tale of adolescent angst and loss if
innocence, which still sells 250,000 copies a year.

William "Bill" Otto Binder: He ran the landmark Phillipe’s restaurant
in downtown Los Angeles for decades. When the original eatery was
forced out of their Aliso Street location by the construction of the
101 Freeway, Binder moved it to its Alameda Street address location
and kept it successful.

Blake Edwards. The producer and director brought us the “Pink
Panther,” “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and “Days of Wine and Roses.”

Paul Conrad: The Los Angeles Times political cartoonist won three
Pulitzer Prizes. More important, he was a friend.

Errorgance

2010-12-24T15:44:00.000-08:00

Here comes another one of those year-end wrapup stories.

Let’s face it, this column knows no shame when it comes to blindly
following the crowd.

With one exception. Instead of collecting a list of newsworthy events
and people --- what more is there to say about Lindsey Lohan, Tiger
Woods, speeding Toyotas, full body scanners and berserk Jet Blue
flight attendants --- we choose another way to mark the end of the
year.

As we have done in past years, we salute the best media corrections
on which we bestow the coveted Mea Culpa awards.

We’re not making of fun the profession. Even though the industry is
perceived as circling the drain, there are a lot of hard-working
folks out there who produce the “daily miracle” and take great pride
in doing so.

Despite the fact that we strive of perfection, we come up short from
time to time. And sometimes the results amuse.

Here, then, is a sampling of the corrections that made us smile, if
not groan. They have been collected from the Internet, from
contributors and from a website called Regret the Error.

Do They Look Alike?: Last week’s column mistakenly misidentified a
source. The European Commission president is Romano Prodi, not Buffy
the Vampire Slayer. The Prague Post.

Fashion Note: Because of a reporting error, Dr. Arleigh Dygert
Richardson III, former teacher at Lawrence Academy in Groton, was
described in his obituary yesterday as favoring tacky pants with
tweed jackets and Oxford shirts. Dr. Richardson favored khaki pants.
The Boston Globe.

...And all Brits Are Druids Who Eat Blood Sausage: In an article on
February 3, we implied two thirds of Haitians drank goats’ blood
while practicing voodoo. We are happy to make clear this is not the
case. The Sun, United Kingdom.

Just Forget It: A story on Page 1 of Tuesday’s Telegraph quoted a
White House official explaining that a Q-and-A session with dozens of
teenagers in Nashua High School North on Monday was “off the record.”
However, the explanation about the talk being “off the record” was,
it turns out, also “off the record” and should not have been quoted.
Nashua Telegraph.

Just Forget It, Part II: At the very beginning of the process of
explaining what it all means, we incorrectly stated that today was
Tuesday. Today is Wednesday. We regret the error. Source unknown.

Star Crossed: Lilith’s astrology column for the week starting March 6
was wrongly published last weekend. We are republishing it today. The
Herald apologizes for any sense of deja vu readers experience this
week. Sydney Morning Herald.

Issues and Answers: Townsville City Council chief executive Ray
Burton was quoted in Saturday's edition saying the role of a new
strategic policy advisor had been created "to deal with some of the
issues your paper (the Townsville Bulletin) has created". This was
wrong. Mr. Burton said the position had been created "to deal with
some of the issues your paper (the Townsville Bulletin) has drawn to
our attention''. Townsville Bulletin, Australia.

Blue Bell: In the Oct. 13 Section A, a profile of Lorenzo Velez, the
only Bell City Council member not charged with a crime, described
Bell as "a city dominated by blue-color Mexican immigrants like
himself." It should have said "blue-collar." Los Angeles Times.

It’s All About Me: Reporter Amanda Hess, in a story published Monday,
acknowledges she wrongly wrote that "one in three black men who have
sex with me is HIV positive.” In fact, the statistic applies to black
men “who have sex with men.” Washington Citypaper.

Sole Man: A Tuesday Morning Quarterback story on ESPN.com indicated
that New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick did not wear anything
pink in observance of Breast Cancer Awareness Month during Monday
night's game against Miami. In fact, the soles of Belichick's shoes
were pink. ESPN.Com.

Bat Man: A June 22 article about G8 security measures in Huntsville
incorrectly said that resident Steve Groomes has a gun at the ready
should protestors get by the army of police and soldiers scouring the
brushes. In fact, what Groomes said in a jovial way was that “I’ve
got an Easton 32 in the house.” The Easton 32 is a baseball bat not a
gun. The Star.

Big Difference: I am sorry to disappoint all the readers who wished
to apply for the position, but New Orleans does not employ a “sex
assessor.” That was a misprint in Wednesday’s column. It should have
read “tax assessor.” New Orleans Times Picayune.

Location, Location, Location: The following corrects errors in the
July 17 geographical agent and broker listing: Aberdeen is in
Scotland, not Saudi Arabia; Antwerp is in Belgium, not Barbados;
Belfast is in Northern Ireland, not Nigeria; Cardiff is in Wales, not
Vietnam; Helsinki is in Finland, not Fiji; Moscow is in Russia, not
Qatar. Business Insurance magazine

A Royal Pain

2010-12-13T16:25:00.000-08:00

I was in elementary school in 1953 when on a fine June day we were summoned from the playground and marched into the auditorium to gaze at a 21-inch Philco on the stage and watch the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II.

To a group of ragtag schoolkids, kings and queens, coronations and royal trappings was the stuff of fairy tales, no more real to us than gnomes and dragons.

But there it was, in stark black and white, brought to us courtesy of a new technology called television.

It was, as they say these days, a teachable moment. It was also our unwitting indoctrination into the cult of royal family worship that thrives to this day.

Witness the unbridled hysteria surrounding the recently announced nuptials between Prince William and Kate Middleton. The dashing prince is, of course, the son of Prince Charles and the late Lady Di who alive and deceased received more attention than the entire royal family and Elvis rolled into one.

The bride-to-be is a commoner, which seems a strange designation in an era when the monarchy is becoming irrelevant. But she is hardly the dust bin variety. She is educated, poised, stylish and tenacious, having hung around for eight years before getting a ring.

So good for them. They make a handsome couple and we wish them well. But you and I know the story will not end there.

The avalanche of coverage began with the wedding announcement that on many TV stations was the lead story, bumping into a secondary position the awarding of the Medal of Honor to the first living soldier since Vietnam.

The media is already speculating that the ceremony will be broadcast in 3-D courtesy of Rupert Murdoch. Think of it as a wedding, "Avatar" style.

The British tabloids are in a feeding frenzy. Social networking sites, Web pages, bloggers and cable news pundits will provide all-wedding, all-the-time coverage for the next six months. Don't be surprised if there's a William & Kate iPhone app soon.

We love the Brits, we really do, despite the Boston Massacre, the burning of the Capitol and Herman's Hermits. But do we really care that much?

Linda Waite, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, sees Kate and William as a compelling biological match. "They're slim, they're fit, they're tall, they have gorgeous shiny hair, all the things that connote health," she told the New York Times. "We're watching this prime couple socially and biologically do this mating ritual, which is satisfying and exciting. It feels good."

Which seems a bit clinical.

What really grabs us is a fairy tale in which the beautiful couple and their happy subjects live happily ever after. Unfortunately, the last fairy tale involving Prince Charles and Lady Di ended in divorce and death, which will not be lost on many who watch.

At the risk of sounding cynical and unromantic, the real driving force behind all the hoopla is money. Estimates for the ceremony's price tag range wildly - from around $20 million to $75 million.

William's father, Prince Charles, is expected to pick up most of the check for the wedding, including a possible donation from the queen. Security costs, which have been estimated well into the millions, will be paid by police and government agencies.

This at a time when the people of Great Britain are facing tax increases and austerity cuts that will whittle at benefits and slash half a million public-sector jobs. Even Queen Elizabeth II's budget got squeezed.

But the wedding will be a stimulus package for the British tourism industry. That is, after all, one of the main economic arguments in favor of maintaining the monarchy: It is a steady draw for tourists who visit the British capital to see the Windsors in their pomp.

According to the BBC, restaurateurs and hoteliers can now look forward to a two-year bulge in tourism numbers, with the 2011 wedding to be followed by the 2012 Olympics. Some economists think a feel-good event could help lift broader consumer spending out of the doldrums.

Then there is the merchandising. A reporter for the Guardian's blog said that she "just spoke to a woman from Asda," Wal-Mart's British arm, "who confirmed the supermarket is planning to flog as much memorabilia as possible, `because we all love a royal wedding, don't we?"'

The Sap Is Running

2010-12-13T16:20:00.000-08:00

I wonder if I could have been a writer of Christmas specials?

Probably not. I don’t have a high enough sap content.

After all, sappiness seems to be a staple of holiday fare. We can
thank Charles Dickens for that. He set the standard for mawkishness
in “A Christmas Carol” that resonates to this day.

Some do sap better than others. “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” are lump in the throat, tear in the eye tales that are classics of the genre.
Sentimental? Sure. Socko, life-affirming happy endings? You bet.

Contrast them with the parade of offerings each year that shames even
a mediocre medium like television.

It’s the Dickens formula, 21 Century style. Take a tragic figure, mix
in the prospect for a cold and bleak holiday preferably involving
doe-eyed children, add a dash of morality and stir vigorously. Top
with a last-minute Christmas Miracle and pass out the handkerchiefs.

But it’s Dickens as imagined by a room full of monkeys banging on
typewriters.

Take, for instance, “Debbie Macomber's Call Me Mrs.
Miracle.” This Christmas, Emily Merkle (call her Mrs. Miracle!) is
working in the toy department at Finley's, the last family-owned
department store in New York City. And her boss is none other than
Jake Finley, the owner's son.

For Jake, holiday memories of brightly wrapped gifts, decorated trees
and family were destroyed in a Christmas Eve tragedy years before.
Now Christmas means just one thing to him—and to his father. Profit.
Because they need a Christmas miracle to keep the business afloat.

Holly Larson needs a miracle, too. She wants to give her
eight-year-old nephew, Gabe, the holiday he deserves. Holly's widowed
brother is in the army and won't be home for Christmas, but at least
she can get Gabe that toy robot from Finley's, the one gift he
desperately wants. If she can figure out how to afford it.

Fortunately, it's Mrs. Miracle to the rescue. Next to making children
happy, she likes nothing better than helping others—and that includes
doing a bit of matchmaking.

Sounds to me like Mrs. Miracle is a bit of a nosy busybody.

Or consider“Farewell, Mr. Kringle” (not to be confused with “Goodby,
Mr. Chips.”) Annabelle (Christine Taylor), a widowed journalist,
accepts an assignment on Kris Kringle, a Santa Claus impersonator who
lives in a small,Christmas-themed town. To her surprise, Anna is
enchanted by Kris and the townspeople who love him. As her
involvement with the town grows, Anna is able to put the past behind
her and open herself up to love again.

The biggest problem with this story is that any self-respecting
journalist assigned to do a story on a Santa Claus impersonator would
quickly resign and flee into the night.

As silly and schmaltzy as these storylines may be, they read like
“Gone With the Wind” compared to a TV offering entitled “Holiday in
Handcuffs.”

In it, Trudie is an aspiring painter working as a restaurant
waitress. With the pressure to please her parents building, a job
interview that goes poorly and getting dumped by her boyfriend, she
has a nervous breakdown.

Stressed about going home for the holidays, she kidnaps David, a
random restaurant customer at the restaurant in which she works and
introduces him to her parents as her boyfriend. Trudie's family is
vacationing at a isolated house so David is unable to escape. He
finally decides to play along until the police come, but he
ultimately falls in love with Trudie.

But this Christmas holiday comes to an abrupt end when her brother
announces that he is gay and her sister says that she has quit law
school and with the tuition her dad has been sending her bought a
pilates studio. Then the police show up and arrest the family during
dinner.

Later, Trudie is invited to show her art at a local gallery and is
stunned to see one of her pieces is sold during the show. As she is
leaving the show, she is kidnapped and taken to a nearby building.

Her kidnapper turns out to be David. He tells her he bought this
building and is making it into an architecture/art studio. He decided
to turn his life around and do something he really
loves...architecture.

He also wanted an art studio and shows her his
first art piece he just purchased, and it turns out to be hers.
David admits his love for Trudie and Trudie admits her feelings
towards him as well. They share a kiss as the credits start to roll.

But it’s not the worst holiday special ever made.

That distinction goes to cable network VH1 which some years ago
contracted zany hard rocker and weapon nut Ted Nugent to help create a
“reality” Christmas special.

Nugent responded with a special that features him bowhunting, and
then making jerky from four calling birds, three French hens, two
turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

In the second half of the hour-long special, Nugent heckles a
vegetarian into consuming three strips of dove jerky.

It was never aired.

Ship of Fools

2010-11-28T22:11:00.000-08:00

The recent engine fire aboard the cruise ship Carnival Splendor, which left its 4,500 passengers and crew temporarily adrift off the coast of Mexico, rapidly became the most overblown media event in recent memory.

To hear tell, it ranked somewhere between the Titanic and the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald for sheer unmitigated human suffering.

Except that it didn't. Sure, the poor souls had to subsist on Spam and Pop Tarts washed down by free booze while the ship was towed back to port.

And a fire at sea is no trifling matter. But it became quickly apparent the worst result of the incident was inconvenience for the passengers and a public relations disaster for the cruise line.

The most daunting challenge passengers faced was the onslaught of reporters and the morbidly curious who descended on them like seagulls on a garbage scow when they disembarked in San Diego.

One traveler grumbled that he hadn't had a hot cup of coffee in four days. Another had her honeymoon interrupted. This got translated into "Cruise From Hell" in headlinese.

Most of the passenger comments went like this:

"Considering the situation, everyone was pretty well behaved. I think we all made lemonade out of lemons. What are you going to do?"

Carnival said the passengers will be fully refunded, awarded a free future voyage and receive reimbursement for transportation costs back home.

Seems generous enough. But it was a lesson the industry learned the hard way.

In 2006, a passenger revolt forced the Cunard cruise line to offer 2,500 passengers aboard its flagship Queen Mary 2 full refunds after the ship missed three scheduled ports of call. Originally, the company said it was willing to give only 50 percent refunds.

The QM2 brushed the side of the channel as it rounded Florida. The resulting damage caused the captain to reduce the ship's speed for the rest of the voyage. To make up for the lost time, the cruise line announced the ship would not make scheduled stops in Barbados, St. Kitts and Salvador, Brazil.

But irate passengers reportedly demanded full refunds, notified the media and threatened a sit-in and a class action suit. The company relented and said full refunds would be made.

All of the above lends support to my decision to forgo cruising as a recreational outlet.

Look, I'm an adventurous guy. I've traveled to faraway places with strange sounding names. And I know that at any given moment, thousands of cruisers are enjoying themselves bobbing along on the oceans of the world.

To them, I wish bon voyage.

I love my fellow man. But the idea of being cooped up on a massive floating mall/playground/nightclub/disco with thousands of people to experience a week of long lines and orchestrated fun doesn't sound like my idea of a good time.

Visiting a port of call as a member of an invading horde doesn't appeal to me.

Neither does dining at the same place and time every night with the retired couple from Des Moines who regale you with tales of his 30 years in the cement business.

Neither does having your tiny cabin as your only resource if you don't like the entertainment.

Ditto for rogue waves. And a norovirus outbreak. One wag called a cruise ship a "petri dish on the open seas."

Neither does giving my money to an outfit like Royal Caribbean, which last year ferried passengers to a private beach on the island of Haiti for an outing of fun and sun at the same time the residents of that country were digging out of the rubble following a massive earthquake and burying more than 50,000 of their citizens.

That same Royal Caribbean has now given birth to two monsters lyrically named Oasis of the Seas and the Allure of the Seas.

The Oasis displacement - the actual mass of the vessel - is estimated at approximately 100,000 tons, about the same as an American Nimitz class aircraft carrier.

Arthur Frommer, perhaps the best known travel writer in the United States, called the Oasis a symbol for the end of Western civilization. The gargantuan ship is really America for Americans who don't want to travel, he says.

"The sole explanation for a 6,000-passenger ship is that it is able to offer more entertainment and thus cater to more of those people who are unable to entertain themselves, those arrested personalities who rely on constant, massive, outside distractions to ward off depression," he wrote. "I'm talking about people who get fidgety if they have no nearby television set, who never read a maga

The Tweed Effect

2010-11-10T21:36:00.000-08:00

“As long as I get to count the votes, what are you going to do about
it?” --- William “Boss” Tweed.

Nothing validates the American Democratic experience like election
day. Be you a Tea Bagger or a Trotskyite, it’s your chance to make
your voice heard.

But truth be told, it’s a day that has seen enough snafus, fraud and
dirty tricks to make old Boss Tweed smile in approval. And this year
promises to be no exception.

According to a report by two nationwide voting rights groups, Demos
and Common Cause, administrative complexities or intentional
interference in the registration and voting process can result in
individuals not voting or casting ballots that count, as was the case
for 3 million eligible voters in 2008's presidential election.

In the past, I tended to take this alarmist view with a grain of
salt. The losing party always cries foul, the winners claim the
spoils. But it seems each year things get worse.

Now, Tea Party members have started challenging voter registration
applications and have announced plans to question individual voters
at the polls whom they suspect of being ineligible, according to
published reports.

In response, liberal groups and voting rights advocates claim that
such strategies are scare tactics intended to suppress minority and
poor voters.

That conflict is underscored in the Demos/Common Cause report, which
states that the current political climate is not conducive to an
orderly state of things. Health care reform, the tea party movement,
the party in power watching that power dissipate and the immigration
debate combine to make it a particularly volatile season.

"When the stakes are this high, the rules of the game -- and whether
or not they are enforced -- make all the difference," said Susannah
Goodman, director of election reform for Common Cause and co-author
of the report. "This report shows where we need better rules—and
better referees."

Eligible voters, especially first-time voters, could be asked to
present ID beyond legal requirements, be videotaped, or receive
misinformation about where and when to vote -- all before even
entering a polling place, according to the two groups. Once inside
polls, individuals could have their credentials as eligible voters
challenged by partisans.

According to one report, the ability to widely disseminate
misinformation --by Internet-based phone calls, fraudulent e-mails,
etc. – is growing faster than you can say tweet. One example cited by
Common Cause and Demos was from Ohio's Butler County, where a cyber
attack on the county Web site delayed the reporting of results during
the spring primary. The attack caused the county server to crash.

On a somewhat less Draconian note, a GOP operative in Arizona this
year enlisted homeless people to run for state office on the Green
Party ticket -- possibly in hopes of siphoning votes away from
Democrats.

In Michigan, Democrats are facing ongoing allegations that the 23
candidates filed to run under the tea party line are Democratic
plants. Almost 60,000 of the tea party's signatures were collected by
a political firm with ties to liberal groups, and a Democratic Party
official notarized the paperwork for some of the tea party candidates.

Two years ago, we were witness to a plethora of election day dirty
tricks:

In Virginia, bogus fliers with an authentic-looking commonwealth seal
said fears of high voter turnout had prompted election officials to
hold two elections — one on Tuesday for Republicans and another on
Wednesday for Democrats.

In Milwaukee, fliers went up advising people "if you've already voted
in any election this year, you can't vote in the presidential
election."

Latino voters in Nevada said they had received calls from people
describing themselves as Obama volunteers, urging them to cast their
ballot over the phone.

Also that year, Republican candidates Rudy Guliani, Fred Thompson and
Mitt Romney were targeted in fake Internet sites that featured
"quotes" from the candidates espousing support for extreme positions
they never endorsed.

What’s to be done? Our elected representatives seem reluctant to do
much of anything. While we have laws prohibiting such deceptive
practices, Congress clearly needs to toughen them.

It’s called preventive maintenance. As the stakes get higher, the
temptation to tamper with voter rights gets stronger.

We can ill afford a loss of confidence in the cornerstone of our
democratic process.

We would also be wise to listen to Allen Raymond, who knows
first-hand the pitfalls of voter fraud.

Raymond is a Republican political consultant who spent three months
in federal prison for his role in the 2002 New Hampshire Senate
election phone jamming scandal.

In his book, “How to Rig and Election,” Raymond warns:
“The electioneering tactics I write about it the book will only get
nastier and more brutal, because the tricks of the trade are known,
embellished upon, and passed forward by people like me to more people
like me (or, like the person I had been paid to be). The competition
is growing stiffer and the stakes are rising with every election.

"The only real solution is a savvy, committed electorate.”

Scare Tactics

2010-11-10T21:32:00.000-08:00

In my never-ending quest to provide you, the readers, with the latest in social trends, mores and manners, I offer the following tips on how to have a hip Halloween.

1. Imbibe. Responsibly, of course.

2. Wear a costume that will define you as witty and devil-may-care.

3. Mix well.

Dump the gorilla suit, get rid of the Michael Jackson outfit, forget the vampire get-up. They're so yesterday.

And don't do what I did several years ago when I wore all white with a piece of yellow felt on my stomach and told everyone I was a fried egg.

Today's Halloween superstar requires a little imagination and cutting-edge knowledge of current events.

There will be lots of Lady Gagas, for example, this year. "Jersey Shore" characters will be identifiable because they "tawk like dis."

A few Na'vis from the film "Avatar" may show up although being blue, 10-feet tall and keeping your tail out of the onion dip will take some doing.

Bedbugs are hot this year but since they are despicable blood suckers, the costume may not win a lot of friends.

One couple I heard about is going to a party as Mel Gibson and his estranged girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, who participated in a rather vocal, public breakup.

This may be hard to bring off. If you are "Mel," you will be required to circulate among guests trashing every ethnic group and religious belief within earshot in expletive-filled rants. "Oksana" follows closely behind secretly recording his every utterance as lawsuit fodder.

Then there's a company that is selling oil-stained jumpsuits with the British Petroleum logo on the pocket. The downside: you run the risk of getting clocked by someone from the Gulf who fails to see the humor.

For the same reason, you may want to avoid dressing like Bernie Madoff. Ditto Arnold Schwarzenegger. And Reggie Bush.

The political arena is always good fodder for Halloween attire. With the elections just a few days away, it's a perfect time to make a statement about your favorite - or least favorite - politician.

President Obama is sure to be a favorite. There are lots of Obama masks (including a Barackula model). Just complete the look with a sharp suit, a great tie and a Teleprompter.

Where there is Barrack, there is Michelle. It's the perfect get-up for the woman who is statuesque, hates junk food and does bicep curls every day.

Sarah Palin attire is a hot seller. Many Palin masks now come with the lips sealed in order to preserve her presidential aspirations. For a special look, wear a Palin mask and a bear costume to capture that "Mama Grizzly" attitude. Accent with a moose pelt.

How about a Tea Party activist? Just wear a Glenn Beck T-shirt, an Uncle Sam hat and wave a placard that says "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants" or some other equally inspiring words. Then explain to guests why President Obama is a Muslim loving, socialistic, granny killing, anti-Christ while foaming at the mouth. Good conversation makes a lively party.

Too intense? The Joe Biden look is simplicity itself. Just wear a conservative suit, bright blue tie and make a lot of inappropriate and embarrassing comments. For an extra treat, have your wife/girlfriend dress as Nancy Pelosi.

Hillary Clinton: Just add an exaggerated laugh and barely controlled hostility and you'll be an exact copy.

Don't want to draw attention to yourself? Get nine friends together, don dark robes and go as the entire U.S. Supreme Court.

Come Fly With Me

2010-11-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

Just in time for the holiday travel season, Readers Digest, America's favorite source of abbreviated information, has blown the lid off the airline industry.

Well, maybe "blown the lid off" is overstating it a bit. Investigative journalism doesn't condense well.

But what they have done is interview commercial airline pilots from throughout the country about the state of things in their industry.

The topics run the gamut from silly security rules to bad cabin air. And it provides an interesting snapshot of air travel in this day and age.

First, this startling revelation from a US Airways pilot in South Carolina: "We miss the peanuts, too." Then, from a first officer on a regional airline: "Sometimes the airline won't give us lunch breaks or even time to eat. We have to delay flights just so we can get food." (See peanuts above).

"The government insists that security theater, and not actual security, is in the nation's best interest," says one pilot. "If it makes you feel any better, our crew had to endure the same screening as the passengers. Never mind that the baggage loaders, cleaners, caterers, and refuelers receive only occasional random screening. You can rest easy knowing that I do not have a pair of scissors or an oversize shampoo bottle anywhere in my carry-on luggage." (Yeah, but think about the economy. Eliminate the TSA screeners and 45,000 people are out of work).

"I'm constantly under pressure to carry less fuel than I'm comfortable with. Airlines are always looking at the bottom line, and you burn fuel carrying fuel," says another pilot. (I'm sure you could lighten the load by getting several passengers to exit the plane, especially if they knew the chance of reaching their destination was sketchy).

"We tell passengers what they need to know. We don't tell them things that are going to scare the pants off them. So you'll never hear me say, `Ladies and gentlemen, we just had an engine failure,' even if that's true." (I really don't want to know if an engine is failing or the rivets are popping out of the wings. If the oxygen masks drop and the attendants are singing hymns, I'll get the message).

"The two worst airports for us: Reagan National in Washington, D.C., and John Wayne in Orange County. You're flying by the seat of your pants trying to get in and out of those airports. John Wayne is especially bad because the rich folks who live near the airport don't like jet noise, so they have this noise abatement procedure where you basically have to turn the plane into a ballistic missile as soon as you're airborne." (Too bad they didn't mention Bob Hope Airport in Burbank, which is the equivalent of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride).

"No, it's not your imagination: Airlines really have adjusted their flight arrival times so they can have a better record of on-time arrivals. So they might say a flight takes two hours when it really takes an hour and 45 minutes." (The last time I flew from Burbank to the Bay Area, the flying time was announced as two hours. The old Lockheed Turboprops flew faster than that).

"Pilots find it perplexing that so many people are afraid of turbulence. It's all but impossible for turbulence to cause a crash. We avoid turbulence not because we're afraid the wing is going to fall off but because it's annoying." (News item: A plane had to make an emergency landing after 10 people were injured when the flight from Heathrow to Los Angeles hit turbulence).

"When you get on that airplane at 7 a.m., you want your pilot to be rested and ready. But the hotels they put us in now are so bad that there are many nights when I toss and turn. They're in bad neighborhoods, they're loud, they've got bedbugs, and there have been stabbings in the parking lot." (Who does this guy fly for, Air Somalia?)

"The general flow of air in any airplane is from front to back. So if you're really concerned about breathing the freshest possible air or not getting too hot, sit as close to the front as you can..." (This is called first class. The price will take your breath away.)

"Here's the truth about airline jobs: You don't have as much time off as your neighbors think you have, you don't make as much money as your relatives think you make, and you don't have as many girlfriends as your wife thinks you have. Still, I can't believe they pay me to do this."

And despite all the gripes, you do it well. Happy landings.

Plain English

2010-10-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

Gene Weingarten, writing this past week in the Washington Post, came to a startling conclusion: The English language is dead.

"It succumbed last month at the age of 1,617 after a long illness," he wrote. "It is survived by an ignominiously diminished form of itself."

And who is to blame for this outrage, this laying to waste the language that binds us together? Rap music? Illegal immigration? A failed public education system? Obama?

Weingarten doesn't really single out any one cause but he does point the crooked, bony finger of blame at the American newspaper industry as a partner in crime.

"In the past year alone, as the language lay imperiled," he writes, "the ironically clueless misspelling `pronounciation' has been seen in the Boston Globe, the St. Paul Pioneer Press, the Deseret Morning News, Washington Jewish Week and the Contra Costa Times, where it appeared in a correction that apologized for a previous mispronunciation."

I feel his pain, especially since executing a computer keystroke will launch spelling and grammar checks that guarantee even bad stories will be written in good English.

Weingarten continues, "The Lewiston (Maine) Sun-Journal has written of `spading and neutering' and The Fredericksburg Free Lance-Star described professional football as a `doggy dog world.' The Vallejo Times-Herald and the South Bend (Ind.) Tribune were the two most recent papers to report on the treatment of `prostrate cancer."'

Not mentioned but one of my favorites was a line in a newspaper that read, "And when he arrived, nobody wasn't there." It had a zen-like quality to it.

To be sure, newspapers aren't the only purveyors of botched grammar.

The Cook County (Ill.) Board, apparently fed up with what it perceived as negativity in the mainstream media, decided to produce its own magazine to ensure "regular positive press."

But the initial run of 5,000 copies had to be tossed because the magazine had too many spelling and grammatical errors.

In Minnesota, a would-be bank robber was arrested after handing the teller a note that said, "Give money, I gun" thereby assuring that the only sentence he'll complete is in state prison.

But back to newspapers.

I read newspapers every day, lots of them, and while I see the occasional grammatical lapse, it pales in comparison to the millions of words that are published.

Weingarten's examples are painful but most come from smaller papers. Small papers pay small wages and don't often attract erudite writers, settling instead for inexperienced reporters who are still learning the craft. This journalist as a rookie learned a lot more about grammar by writing than I ever did diagraming sentences.

Then there is the copy editor, the last line of defense at any newspaper. When I first started out, these were mostly gray-haired newsroom veterans who spoke like ham actors and read dictionaries on their lunch break. Make a grammatical mistake and you would be loudly and publicly humbled.

Copy editors are still on the job but in much fewer numbers. In this era of severe staff cutbacks, they are overwhelmed by the workload, which includes myriad production responsibilities and leaves scant time for careful editing. Thus, mistakes get made.

It may be a rough patch for the English language. It is under siege by texts, tweets and blogs. But it is far from dead. Dozens of new words are added to the language each year. An estimated 6 billion people worldwide speak it. The Oxford English Dictionary gets 2 million online hits a month.

Hold the autopsy, Mr. Weingarten. As Winston Churchill once famously said, "This is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which I will not put."

Nobel Causes

2010-10-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

Thank God for the gift of science. Without it, I would be etching this column on the wall of a cave using a bird feather dipped in animal blood.

Actually, several of my readers have suggested I do just that. But I digress.

For all the gifts science has provided us - imagine a world without auto alarms, Snuggies and plastic grocery bags - researchers sometimes get a little goofy in their never-ending quest to push the boundaries.

For these folks, we have the Ig Nobel Prizes, awarded each year at Harvard University to those whose research might strike many of us as downright silly.

Or as the sponsors, the Annals of Improbable Research, put it, "science that makes you laugh, then makes you think."

Past winners include a study that confirmed an empty beer bottle makes a better weapon than a full beer bottle in a fight, a scientist who studied why woodpeckers don't get headaches and the invention of a bra that can double as two protective face masks in an emergency.

Thanks to a generous benefactor, winners receive a 10-trillion Zimbabwean dollar note.

This year's honorees:

Scientists from the Instituto Politecnico Nacional, Baja California Sur, Mexico, for perfecting a method to collect whale snot using a remote-control helicopter. One wonders how they retrieved samples in the past.

Two Dutch researchers who discovered that symptoms of asthma can be treated with a roller-coaster ride. Did they study the Ferris wheel, fun house and tilt-a-whirl first?

Japanese and British teams that found they could use slime mold to determine the optimal routes for railroad tracks.

New Zealand scientists who demonstrated that, on icy footpaths in wintertime, people slip and fall less often if they wear socks on the outside of their shoes. It was reported that trial subjects did report better traction, but also reported feeling slightly ridiculous.

British researchers who confirmed the widely held belief that swearing relieves pain. They also found that people who don't normally swear benefited more than habitual potty-mouths. "Swearing is useful, but don't overdo it," they advised.

An American team that determined by experiment that microbes cling to bearded scientists.

A group including British Petroleum that disproved the old belief that oil and water don't mix. BP, of course, validated this theory in the Gulf of Mexico earlier this year.

An Italian team that demonstrated mathematically that organizations would become more efficient if they promoted people at random.

Chinese and British researchers scientifically documented that fellatio in fruit bats prolongs copulation. The group, however, was prohibited from demonstrating their findings using hand puppets.

In keeping with the spirit of the awards, this year's ceremony featured the premiere of a new work called "The Bacterial Opera," about the bacteria that live on a woman's front tooth, and about that woman.

This year marked the 20th anniversary of the prizes.

The scary thing is that there were almost 7,000 nominations.

A committee had the thankless job of whittling down the list to 10 winners, according to past honoree Kees Moeliker, who won in 2003 for discovering homosexual necrophilia in mallard ducks.

It was duly noted that there are four winners from Great Britain this year. (Britain also this week produced the first real Nobelist, physicist Andre Geim, to have previously won an Ig - for levitating frogs with magnets.)

Said Marc Abrahams, editor of the Annals and architect of the Ig Nobels, "The British Empire had a rough 20th century. Maybe this is the best sign that the empire is surging back to prominence."

R

A Rose by Any Other Name

2010-10-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

Mention the words “Rose Parade” and people think of New Year’s Day in
Pasadena.

Mention the word “Honda” and people think of a Japanese automobile.

Mention the words “The Rose Parade Presented by Honda” and people
think that another American icon has been gobbled up by a
multinational corporation, an act that threatens to turn the
festivities into a five-mile long infommercial.

That was my reaction when the news was announced that naming rights
to the parade had been sold to Honda. And it was the reaction of
dozens of Internet posters who weighed in on the subject.

A sampling: “As if the event weren't commercial enough, we get the
final sell out. How disgusting!” “I was planning to go to the Rose
Parade this year, but I dislike the idea of hearing Honda this, Honda
that. I’d rather go hiking.” “Why not just make it North American
Honda presents The Tournament of Roses sponsored by Acura?”
“Traditions for sale. Get em' while their cheap.”

This isn’t exactly scientific polling but the fact is the only
positive comments on the deal are coming from Tournament House, Honda
headquarters and City Hall which doesn’t exactly indicate a
groundswell of popular support.

Pasadena, which embraces tradition and civic pride, has been sucker
punched. The culture of the Rose Parade has been compromised.

I guess we can be thankful the sponsor wasn’t Depends or Fruit Loops.

None of this should come as a total surprise. The first commercial
float in the parade appeared in 1935 and the number of corporate
entries have increased steadily since.

In 2010, Honda, Anheuser-Bush , Bayer, China Airlines, Farmers, Jack
in the Box, Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament, Macy’s, Kaiser
Permanente, Dick Van Patten’s Natural Balance Pet Foods, Inc.,
Phoenix Satellite Television (U.S.),.Rainbird, RFD-TV, Subway
restaurants, Wells Fargo and Trader Joe’s joined in the festivities.

We know college bowl games have corporate stickers affixed to them
including the Rose Bowl game which has been sponsored by AT&T,
Playstation and Citi in years past.

It’s the way of the world, 2010. But we don’t have to like it.
And what I like least about it is the efforts of Tournament officials
to spin the message.

For example, parade officials stressed that there will be no major
changes in the parade itself. Then they announced that the Honda
brand will be incorporated into the Tournament of Roses logo and said
there would be changes in the marketing of the event to note Honda's
participation.

They also announced that Honda would get the lead position in the
parade each year. And the Honda CR-Z will be used as the “pace car”
for the parade. Clearly, things are going to look different now.

(Note to self: See how many times the Honda brand is incorporated
into the parade route or mentioned on TV. I’m betting I will need
more than my fingers and toes to add up the numbers).

Next, there was this doublespeak: "(Honda) are presenting sponsors,
not a title sponsor - it's not like we've sold the name," said
Tournament of Roses President Jeffrey Throop. "It's the Tournament of
Roses Parade presented by Honda. It's not like the `Tostitos Fiesta
Bowl' ...or when you use a corporate sponsor before it as a title.
That's one thing we're saying is a big difference."

Selling the name is exactly what you have done, Mr. Throop. It’s a
cash transaction no matter how you slice the baloney.

Throop said he wanted to assure everyone the T of R is in "terrific
financial shape."

Then why sell the naming rights? Could it be because a scant two
years ago, some float participants said the economic crisis forced
new cost-trimming and fund-raising efforts?

Fiesta Parade Floats official Tim Estes said smaller companies and
organizations attached to the annual event were particularly hard hit
in regard to budgetary concerns, according to published reports.

Meanwhile, the Rose Float Foundation in West Covina, saw a drastic
decline in donations from area businesses apparently due to the
ongoing economic crisis nationwide. "We're grasping at whatever,"
Foundation Executive Vice President Chris Freeland said.

Two years later, the economy hasn’t changed for the better and its
difficult to believe that the recession hasn’t affected the Rose
Parade’s bottom line.

Erik Wedin, manager of corporate community relations for American
Honda Motor Co., said that he thinks there will be general acceptance
of the presentation agreement. "I think if we were approaching this
relationship as a way to generate sales, then I might agree it would
not be a popular move.”

That’s tough to swallow. The Tournament was a seller and Honda was a
buyer. The parade gets cash and Honda generates visibility which
translates into sales. To suggest otherwise is ludicrous.

In three years, the sponsorship will be up for sale to the highest
bidder. Let the games begin.

The Twitter Tool

2010-09-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

"We came across the word `twitter,' and it was just perfect. The definition was `a short burst of inconsequential information,' and `chirps from birds.' And that's exactly what the product was."

-Twitter creator Jack Dorsey

When Twitter first burst upon the scene, it seemed innocent enough. Another high-tech, whiz-bang communication tool whose primary job was to help people avoid the scourge of social isolation. After all, there are always millions of close personal friends to talk to on a networking site.

I never bought into it. I didn't believe my friends were interested in how I enjoyed Taco Tuesday at the local Mexican joint or that I was standing in line at Trader Joe's.

It turns out, however, there is a huge appetite for "inconsequential information." As of June 2010, about 65 million tweets are posted each day, equaling about 750 tweets per second, according to Twitter.

Everybody's doing it, even politicians. Which is surprising considering that our public servants aren't always quick to spot a trend.

Why are they suddenly embracing social networking with such vigor?

Example A is John McCain, who is the top-ranked tweeter on Capitol Hill, with more than 1.7 million followers. This from a 74-year-old guy who in 2008 admitted he had to rely on his wife to access the Internet.

Perhaps the answer can be found in the words of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who believes tweeting is a useful political tool.

"Using Twitter to bypass traditional media and directly reach voters is definitely a good thing," Gingrich said.

Aha! Bypass traditional media. That means he can get his message out without dealing with bothersome details such as context, opposing viewpoints and factual evidence.

What a breakthrough for technology. What a setback for informed political discourse.

So far, political tweets are a mixed bag. Many are downright benign. Take Arkansas Congressman John Boozman for example. "Eating breakfast with a constituent," he tweeted. "Honored to receive the National Farmers Union's Golden Triangle Award," tweeted Connecticut Congressman Joseph Courtney.

Some are happy ("Great afternoon watching skijoring in Wisdom, Montana," wrote Rep. Denny Rehberg, R-Mont.) and some are angry ("Accusations against me unfounded. No benefit, no improper action, no failure 2 disclose, no one influenced: no case," argued Los Angeles Congresswoman Maxine Waters, who is facing ethics charges).

Sometimes political satire makes an appearance: "1 in 5 Americans believe Obama is a Muslim. 1 in 5 also believe in alien abductions and can't find the U.S. on a map." Or "Outrage Over Plans to Build Library Next to Sarah Palin."

Trash-talking tweets are not unknown, even at the highest levels. After a recent front-page New York Times story painted House Minority Leader John Boehner as beholden to special interests and swayed by his large network of lobbyists, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs tweeted, "Story on Boehner covers some of his greatest hits - handing out checks from lobbyists on the House floor" - referring to a 1995 incident when the Ohio Republican doled out contributions on the House floor, an act later outlawed. Gibbs then disseminated Boehner's quote about how passing out checks probably "doesn't look good."

But, the Politico website reported that Boehner was not to be outdone. He tweeted about a June 24 Times story describing how members of the Obama administration were meeting with lobbyists at Caribou Coffee on Pennsylvania Avenue near the White House. "@PressSec forgot to Tweet about Dems meeting w/lobbyists @ Caribou." He added that Gibbs "also hasn't explained how raising taxes on small businesses will create jobs. We're still waiting."

Twitter is also no stranger to deception and tastelessness. Washington Post columnist Jonathan Capehart used a tweet from Rep. Jack Kimble of California as a launching pad for a blog post on who is to blame for the current federal deficits. The problem? There is no Rep. Jack Kimble; that Twitter account is a spoof.

And when Sen. Ted Kennedy died, conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart tweeted, "Rest in Chappaquiddick."

Twitter at the very least runs the risk of being a source for political misinformation, rained down on the public in 140-character bites.

California political advertising watchdogs agree, proposing that online advertising and paid political postings on social networking sites be regulated the same way they are in other media.

Fair Political Practices Commission Chairman Dan Schnur told the San Francisco Chronicle that the goal is to apply the same rules, regardless of the media chosen.

"Whether the message is delivered by mail or by e-mail, or by television or online video, the same principles remain in place: Voters should know who's responsible for the information they are hearing and seeing."

Sarah Speak

2010-09-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

It's not often that you find Sarah Palin, Shakespeare and the Merriam Webster Dictionary all mentioned in the same breath.

But that's what happened recently when the former Alaska governor and potential Republican presidential candidate drew the ire of the grammar cops (and her political opponents) when she used a mystery term in a text message.

"Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn't it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate," she tweeted.

Peaceful Muslims can't refudiate, however, because there's no such word.

We can assume that Ms.Palin somehow mixed "refute" and "repudiate" to coin a new word, as in "I refudiate Tea Party philosophy."

The result is that "refudiate" quickly led to more searches on the Merriam Webster online dictionary than any real words in circulation.

But Sarah didn't bat an eye. "'Refudiate,' `misunderestimate,' `wee-wee'd up.' English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!"

Remind me not to play Scrabble with her.

Perhaps it was an incident that is, as her fellow word coiner Shakespeare wrote, "full of sound and fury signifying nothing."

Except that verbal miscues follow politicians around like lost puppy dogs. Often, history remembers not how they walked the walk but how they talked the talk.

Mention former Vice President Dan Quayle and what do you remember?

That at 33, he was the youngest person ever elected to the Senate from Indiana? And reelected by the largest margin in state history?

Nope. What we remember about Quayle is his foot-in-mouth disease ("The holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. ... No, not our nation's, but in World War II. I mean, we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century, but in this century's history.") or "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future"). Or "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

Speaking of vice presidents, how has Joe Biden performed his duties? We're not really sure but we do know he is a one-man gaffe factory. Examples: "Stand up, Chuck, let `em see ya." Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair. Or "If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30 percent chance we're going to get it wrong." Or Joe on Barack Obama: "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."

While we are on the subject, a few more personal favorites:

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" - Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.

"I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me." - President Jimmy Carter, in an interview with Playboy one month prior to the 1976 election.

"People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook. I've earned everything I've got." - Richard Nixon at a Nov. 17, 1973 news conference.

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" - George W. Bush, Jan. 11, 2000.

"This was a war of Obama's choosing. This is not something the United States has actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in." - Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, rewriting history while speaking at a Connecticut fundraiser about the war in Afghanistan, which President Bush launched following the 9/11 terrorist attacks (July 2, 2010).

"It depends on what the meaning of the words `is' is." - Bill Clinton, during his 1998 grand jury testimony on the Monica Lewinsky affair.

"Facts are stupid things." - Ronald Reagan, at the 1988 Republican National Convention, attempting to quote John Adams, who said, "Facts are stubborn things."

"My answer is bring `em on." - President George W. Bush, challenging militants attacking U.S. forces in Iraq, July 2, 2003.

"Byaaaahhhhhh!" - Howard Dean, 2004.

So Sarah Palin is in pretty good company, Indeed, she is popular with the public, is raising cash by the bucketful and has momentum, yet polls show most Americans don't think she's qualified to be president.

That's because she may think like Reagan but she talks like Quayle.

If she wants to succeed, she had better "refudiate" her speech writers and start making sense to all Americans.

Beck Orates, Obama Redecorates

2010-09-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

NEWS: A labrador that ate a beehive containing pesticides and thousands of dead bees has won an award that recognized the most unusual pet health insurance claim in the United States.

American pet-insurance adjuster Veterinary Pet Insurance (VPI) Co. selected the four-legged Ellie from a dozen pet-related insurance claims nationwide.

Ellie, who fully recovered from her encounter with the beehive in Southern California, beat an insurance claim from a border collie that ran through a window to get at a mailman and a terrier that bit a chainsaw.

Views: I wonder if any of these claims are denied because being a dog is a pre-existing condition? Just asking.

News: Glenn Beck's "Restoring Honor" rally at the Lincoln Memorial draws thousands, or tens of thousands, or hundreds of thousands, or millions, depending on who you ask.

Views: CBS News commissioned the company AirPhotosLive.com to offer an independent estimate of how many people showed up for the event.

AirPhotosLive.com calculated that there were approximately 87,000 people there, plus or minus 9,000 people. It was the only scientific estimate made of the number of people at the rally.

Beck said he drew at least 500,000. Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minnesota, at her own rally held on the edges of Beck's event, said, "We're not going to let anyone get away with saying there were less than a million here today because we were witnesses."

Suffice to say a lot of people showed up. And just to make sure attendance wasn't spotty, Beck announced before the event that it may be the last chance to attend a large rally at the historic Lincoln Memorial.

"The government is trying to now close the Lincoln Memorial for any kind of large gatherings," Beck said. "This may be the last large gathering ever to assemble at the Lincoln Memorial. Historic, historic."

Beck is no Honest Abe. Because, according to the National Parks Service, the Lincoln Memorial remains open for business.

"There is absolutely no attempt by the government to restrict gatherings at the Lincoln Memorial or at any of our sites," said Margie Ortiz, a National Park Service spokeswoman in published remarks. "There is zero basis for his claim."

Rehabilitation work on the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool and grounds will begin soon, and could continue for two years, but National Park Service officials said that work will not prevent the use of the facilities for gatherings, though the size of a gathering would be considered when weighing applications during the construction period.

News: President Obama redecorates the Oval Office.

Views: To the chagrin of his detractors, he didn't install a Muslim prayer rug and a minaret.

Instead, the makeover, by California decorator Michael Smith, (and paid for by donations) has drawn reactions ranging from "less intimidating and more comfortable than previous Oval Offices" to "too brown, too modern, and too much like a basement rumpus room."

The most striking feature: a rug adorned around the edges with some of the President's favorite historical quotes:

"The Only Thing We Have to Fear is Fear Itself" - President Franklin D. Roosevelt. "The Arc of the Moral Universe is Long, But it Bends Towards Justice" - Martin Luther King Jr. "Government of the People, By the People, For the People" - President Abraham Lincoln. "No Problem of Human Destiny is Beyond Human Beings" - President John F. Kennedy. "The Welfare of Each of Us is Dependent Fundamentally Upon the Welfare of All of Us" - President Theodore Roosevelt.

Someone soon will undoubtedly read into these quotes a nefarious plot to turn us all into Prius-driving, Quran-quoting socialists who love gay marriage and hate the Fourth of July.

The Retread and the Rookie

2010-08-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

Don't look now, folks, but there's an election coming up soon.

Nothing much at stake here, just the fate of a once vibrant state so awash in red ink and incompetent political leadership that it threatens to become a West Coast version of Mississippi.

And who will lead us out of the darkness?

Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman tell us they can do the job, but neither inspire a lot of confidence. There are no Kennedys or Reagans in this race.

What to make of Jerry Brown? He was a post-Watergate breath of fresh air when he became governor in 1975, a mixture of fiscal conservatism and social liberalism but who at times was so ethereal he was difficult to comprehend.

For all his high mindedness, he is at heart a career politician. Governor for two terms, mayor of Oakland, chairman of the state Democratic Party, state attorney general. He ran for president three times and the U.S. Senate once.

Brown was a political minimalist, who governed in what he called an "era of limits."

He was at the helm when Prop. 13 passed, a measure which has dominated the California economic landscape since 1978 for better or worse. He opposed it but couldn't prevent its passage.

Now, at age 70, he wants to be governor again. Whatever else he brings to the table, I remain astounded that the Democratic Party, with a chance to seize the statehouse from a badly flawed Republican, has pinned its hopes on a retread.

Is the salvation of our future to be found in our past? Or is it in an unknown who was so out of touch politically that she didn't vote for more than 20 years.

Republican Meg Whitman is throwing around money like the billionaire that she is, nearly $100 million of her own cash at last report, in order to get elected.

Forget that this former eBay CEO is by herself making this the most expensive gubernatorial race in history. Forget that playing princess to Brown's pauper may be a bad political decision in an economically depressed state with a soaring unemployment rate. Forget that she has hired 56 different political consulting firms.

What Whitman is buying here is exposure, lots and lots of it. She has so saturated the airwaves, it's impossible to watch TV or listen to the radio without exposure to a Whitman ad.

Does it work? Sure, people know her although I'm beginning to wonder if they aren't tuning her out, like one of those irritating Quizno commercials.

If you are still watching those ads, you know Meg is in attack mode. But her meat-cleaver approach does little to define her or her platform. And in her zeal to trash an opponent, the facts often get left behind.

Whitman's campaign ad, "Jerry Brown: A Legacy of Failure," is a case in point. According to FactCheck.Org. a project of the Annenberg Public Policy Center:

The ad claims that "crime soared" while Brown was mayor of Oakland. That's false. The total number of crimes actually went down by more than 13 percent.

Also false is the ad's claim that Brown "damaged the school system so badly the state had to take it over." As mayor, Brown had almost no control over the school district, which was run instead by an elected school board.

The ad claims Brown worked to "send California jobs to China," but that's unproven. The claim rests on an 18-year-old newspaper story that Brown strongly denied.

Some of the ad's other claims lack context. For example, it's true as claimed that California had unemployment of 11 percent when Brown finished his time as the state's governor. But the ad fails to mention that the national unemployment rate was 10.8 percent at the time.

And what about Brown? Except for a few ads paid for by union interests, he remains largely silent so far, and it isn't a reflection of his Zen persona.

The fact is he doesn't have the money to maintain an indefinite media campaign. Instead, he'll wait until after Labor Day.

In the meantime, the Brown camp has started a website called Meg-a-Myths. Brown spokesman Sterling Clifford says it exists because "Whitman is either incapable or unwilling to tell the truth about Jerry Brown, California or herself. If she won't, we will."

Let us hope that we can dispense with the trash talking and hear real solutions for this state's massive problems. Let's hope that one of these candidates will rise to the occasion.

Motorcade Madness

2010-08-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

Years ago, I stood at the corner of Second Street and Broadway in downtown Los Angeles, returning to work after lunch.

Suddenly, a large limo pulled up not five feet away from the curb on which I stood and stopped before turning right.

I peered into the back seat and who should I see but President Jimmy Carter, who waved before his car sped away. A colleague criticized my sense of journalistic indifference because I waved back.

To be sure, it was a simpler time and Mr. Carter didn't often draw large crowds of adoring supporters in his travels.

But contrast that brief and simple encounter with the Old Testament gridlock that ensued this past week when President Obama commuted from LAX to attend a fundraiser in Hancock Park.

It was so bad, according to news reports, that residents of the area were calling for an investigation because they were caught in traffic for hours.

Only Michael Jackson's funeral could rival it for sheer unmitigated inconvenience.

"It was a beautiful thing," one resident was quoted as saying. "Young, old, black, white - everyone was pissed off."

Another resident complained it took him nearly three hours to travel one mile (which he could have walked in 20 minutes).

Others tried to politicize it. After all, only a socialist would take away our God-given right to drive wherever or whenever we want, or so the fringe chatter went.

Look, I feel their pain. I once was herded off the Golden State Freeway in Burbank to let a Nancy Reagan entourage pass. In addition to the inconvenience, it makes you feel like a ragamuffin who is pushed aside so the royal coach can pass by.

But let's have a reality check.

First and foremost, the Westside of L.A is unrivaled when it comes to beaches, posh neighborhoods chucked full of celebrities, ritzy restaurants and the worst traffic in our merry megalopolis.

Traffic in the San Gabriel Valley is no stroll in the park. But on the Westside, it's the stuff of legends.

You can cause a noteworthy traffic jam with a fender bender on Wilshire Boulevard. Throw a hubcap on the 405 and a SigAlert breaks out.

Try a leisurely trip down Pacific Coast Highway at morning commute time. Check out the Santa Monica Freeway eastbound some evening when the Lakers are playing or there's a concert at Staples. It makes you wonder why the auto industry has fallen on hard times.

Public transportation west of downtown is almost nonexistent. And this in a community that was ranked in a recent IBM survey as No.1 in "commuter pain" among American cities.

Drop a presidential motorcade into this cauldron and watch the smoke rise.

Many residents blamed what they saw as a lack of planning and advanced notification. But the Secret Service doesn't do advanced notification for presidential motorcades. If you don't understand why, stop reading now and go watch television.

Advanced planning? The president visited, attended his event and left without being assassinated. Mission accomplished.

When President Reagan was shot by a lovelorn loner named John Hinckley Jr. on a Washington street corner in 1981, it was clear the Secret Service needed to do better.

After 9/11, that mandate became even more urgent.

Now, with the nation's first black president serving in an era of political toxicity, the security surrounding Mr. Obama is unprecedented. When he was inaugurated, the Secret Service coordinated at least 40,000 agents and officers from some 94 police, military and security agencies.

It was accepted as the norm when President Bush traveled with an entourage that included 100 national security advisors, 50 White House political aids, 200 representative from other government departments, a personal chef and his team of four cooks, 250 Secret Service agents and 15 sniffer dog teams. I doubt if those numbers have declined.

There have been public relations gaffes to be sure.

Just recently, Vice President Joe Biden held up airplane traffic for hours when he dropped into town for an appearance on the "Tonight Show With Jay Leno."

President Clinton was accused of shutting down two runways at LAX while he waited for his hair stylist on Air Force One, although the facts of that story are in dispute and it appears to be an urban legend.

Massive security for the president especially when he travels and the inconvenience it causes reflect the world we live in, unfortunately.

And when that world intersects with yours, expect delays.

Clamshell Combat

2010-08-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

The fight was short, but brutal.

After five minutes of close combat, despite suffering several wounds and in complete disregard for my own safety, I defeated my opponent with a violent thrust from a pair of industrial-sized scissors.

Wiping the sweat from my forehead and the blood from my arms, victory was mine. I was finally was able to remove my new electric toothbrush from its "clamshell" plastic packaging.

Of all the outrageous slings and arrows visited upon consumers in the last several decades, impenetrable plastic packaging may rank close to the top. (Closely followed by "tamper resistant" caps that can be easily opened by a simple push-pull double reverse half-gainer twist.)

The "clamshell" packaging seems to be designed by people hand picked for their sadistic tendencies. They have created a product that lets you see your purchase but renders it unobtainable unless you carry a 3.4 amp powered handsaw in your pocket or purse.

According to one report, consumers suffer thousands of injuries per year, such as cut fingers and sprained wrists, from tools used to open packages and from the packaging itself.

Not to mention lingering anger management issues and physical exhaustion.

Consumer Reports even presents "Oyster Awards" for the products with the hardest-to-open packaging.

Lucky me, my brand new Oral-B Sonic toothbrush kit was a winner of the coveted Oyster. The magazine described the product thus: "A tight fit between the plastic skin and cardboard thwarted scissors. Our tester grabbed a box cutter but hacked up the box as an unavoidable result. After removing the clamshell and opening the box, she had to dislodge parts from a foam case, yank off one plastic bag covering the power cord and another protecting additional components, then pop perforations on smaller clamshells shielding the toothbrush heads. Her work table was littered with sharp plastic shards."

Another Consumer Reports winner was a Uniden cordless phone set: It took 9 minutes 22 seconds to unwrap completely and nearly caused injury to the person opening it.

Yet another prize went to "American Idol" Barbie and her packaging, which didn't require lethal weapons but took 15 minutes and 10 seconds to untie all the wires, rip the stitches from her hair and slice the thick plastic manacles off her arms and torso.

One shopper complained of buying a large kitchen knife that couldn't be separated from its package unless you used - drum roll - a large kitchen knife.

A British researcher complained that "we are still chewing through plastic like wild dogs."

In a survey conducted at Southern Methodist University's Cox School of Business, almost 80 percent of households "expressed anger, frustration or outright rage" with plastic packaging. Consumers also tended to use words such as "hate" and "difficult" when describing these products.

My question: Who are the 20 percent who were apparently satisfied with sealed plastic products? Oyster shuckers? Orthopedic surgeons? Sushi chefs?

The idea behind this packaging is to intentionally make products difficult to open to reduce package pilferage and shoplifting. I know this is a big and costly problem for business.

But I wonder if the loses from those crimes is exceeded by the decline in business and goodwill from customers fed up with engaging in martial arts to open a package with a light bulb inside.

I ask because some merchants are responding to the cry of the wounded consumer. Wal-Mart Stores, Target and Sears all have programs to phase out clamshells, according to the Center for Health, Environment and Justice, as does Best Buy.

Amazon has begun a "Frustration-Free Packaging" initiative. Sony launched a "Death to the Clamshell" campaign.

Truth be told, many of these changes are being made for environmental and toxicity concerns rather than the mental health of their customers.

But if it will prevent me from looking like I just emerged from a knife fight after buying a new toothbrush, I'm all for it.

There is a loser in all this, and it's not the emergency room docs.

It's the cottage industry of clamshell packaging openers that sprung up over the last few years.

One such device, the OpenX, has sold in the millions, according to its inventor.

The irony of it is that if you find an OpenX in a store, it will probably be encased in hard-to-open clamshell packaging.

Water Water Everywhere

2010-08-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

If we could take a group of folks from the 1950s and plunk them down in 2010 Los Angeles, the first things they'd say after looking around is: "Whatever happened to chrome on cars and hats on men?" followed by, "Why does everyone carry a bottle of water? Did those Commies poison our reservoirs?"

Well, we'd answer, bottled water is convenient. Also, water is good for you and bottled water is better for you than tap water. Not to mention that there's a lot of status involved taking a swig from your $20 bottle of Prix Eleve designer water, collected by hand in the Alps by an order of monks.

And, no, the Commies threw in the towel decades ago.

We'd be wrong on several counts. While it is healthy to stay hydrated, what we're drinking in a lot of cases is from the tap, sometimes filtered, sometimes not.

And the status factor has gone the way of bling.

Indeed, the popularity of bottled water is, in a word, evaporating.

Environmentalists loathe bottled water because they say nearly 90 percent of the bottles are not recycled and wind up in landfills where it takes thousands of years for the plastic to decompose.

Consumers, trying to survive a lousy economy, have come to realize that they're paying good money for something that can be had for free. Sales of reusable aluminum and stainless steel water bottles are up.

If that's not enough, some members of the religious community complain that clean drinking water, like air, is a God-given resource that shouldn't be packaged and sold.

Add it all up and you get bottled water sales that dropped in 2009 for the first time in five years. Yes, folks, bottled water is becoming the new cigarette.

We can trace this change of attitude to the Australian town of Bundanoon, a hamlet of about 2,500 south of Sydney. It seems the citizens there became angry a few years back when, according to published accounts, a beverage company announced plans to build a water extraction plant in town.

Residents faced the prospect of an outsider taking their water, sending it off to the big city for processing and then selling it back to them. The town became so incensed it voted to ban the end product.

About the same time, according to anti-bottle activists, "one of the dumbest moves in advertising history" occurred when high-end brand Fiji started a campaign intended to tout its water which is imported from the tropics.

The advertising copy read: "The label says Fiji because it's not bottled in Cleveland."

Well, the people of Cleveland, the victims of many slings and arrows over the years, did not take kindly to the campaign. So Cleveland Public Utilities director Julius Ciaccia had the local water tested against the bottled stuff. Fiji water had 6.31 micrograms of arsenic per liter; the city tap had zero. The company disputed the findings, but change was in the air.

The cities of Los Angeles, San Francisco, Santa Barbara and Salt Lake City have asked employees not to use bottled water or banned city spending on it. Chicago added a 5-cent tax to each bottle.

Famed California chef Alice Waters banned bottled water at her restaurant, Chez Panisse, according to a CNN report. In New York, celebrity chef Mario Batali's fanciest joint, Del Posto, banned the bottle. The idea became fashionable enough that an article in the online magazine Slate talked about the "reverse snob appeal" of tap water.

The irony of all this is that the largest consumers of bottled water are Americans, who need it the least. The great majority of our tap water meets EPA drinking-water standards, which regulate the levels of roughly 90 different contaminants, including germs such as giardia, heavy metals such as lead and dozens of industrial chemicals.

Like Hummers, 3-D TVs and infomercials, Americans are attracted to things they don't need. Bottled water is just another example.

In One Era and Out Another

2010-08-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

I never set foot in Edward's Steak House, which recently closed after 64 years, first in downtown Los Angeles, then in El Monte.

But I feel I know it well.

It was one of those meat-and-potato neighborhood eateries with faux turn-of-the-century decor and a wait staff, bartenders and busboys who had been there for decades. We've all hung our hats in someplace like Edward's.

Quality of food? Not gourmet but good. The drinks were stiff and the menu was as familiar as your every-day china. No pheasant in a cabernet reduction with sesame encrusted baby carrots here. Steak or prime rib or, if you must, halibut. Straight up, please, salad with blue cheese and a baked potato.

It was a place where locals celebrated births, held wakes, marked anniversaries and retirements.

Edward's was preceded in death by Monty's Steak House in Pasadena, which kept the grill fired up for 66 years and even in its final days had a lot of clients who I think may have been there on opening night. Regulars say in the old days that if they didn't finish a steak, the house would offer to take it off the bill. It closed in 2007.

Chances are, there's a place just like them in a neighborhood near you. If so, enjoy it while you can.

Some see sinister forces at work when a beloved institution closes its doors. One patron commented that "It's a shame that Obama has wrecked this country to the point that my favorite restaurant has to close."

That's slicing the baloney a bit thick. No one questions that we are in the throes of a precarious economy but its causes are numerous and widespread.

The owners of Edward's claimed dining room business was down 25 percent. But they also blamed the fact that big businesses in the area have given way to export/import operations, and the local work force is now largely single mothers who bring sack lunches.

It's the "there goes the neighborhood" explanation and a nice way of saying the ethnic makeup has changed. While that may be true to some extent, you can't always blame demographics.

El Monte's population has grown by 45,000 since Edward's moved there in 1973. Top employers, according to the city's website, include Wells Fargo Bank (operation center), Longo Toyota-Lexus (automobile sales and service), Vons Co. (distribution warehouse) and Saint Gobain Glass Container.

Besides, some of the oldest and most popular restaurants in Los Angeles thrive in what can politely be described as distressed neighborhoods that have changed dramatically over time.

Langer's Deli at 7th and Alvarado has been serving pastrami for 63 years next to MacArthur Park. Phillipe's has been going strong since 1908 near Union Station. Musso and Frank opened in Hollywood in 1919. San Antonio Winery by the L.A. River has been around for some 90 years. The Pacific Dining Car on West 6th Street in Downtown L.A. has been serving since 1921. None of these locales are garden spots.

The fact is that Edward's and Monty's had been around for nearly three-quarters of a century. They survived when better-known places such as the Brown Derby and Chasen's and Little Joe's went dark. By anyone's yardstick, that's a remarkable achievement, especially in a business known for a high failure rate.

But nothing, especially the clientele, lasts forever. You attract new customers or die.

In addition, both establishments were independent restaurants, which are on the endangered species list, being pushed toward oblivion by a combination of hard times and the growth of chain operations.

According to one survey by the restaurant industry, the number of restaurants in the United States has fallen by 5,204 since 2009. Independent restaurants took the hardest hits, while chains kept their unit counts relatively stable.

Those independents have suffered sales and traffic declines as prolonged high unemployment has weakened consumer spending. But the chains survive because the revenue of those that thrive help support those that struggle.

That's why you'll rarely see a Burger King close up shop. Yet New York's iconic Tavern on the Green in Central Park and Fraunces Tavern, which dates back to 1762, have shut their doors.

It's the Franchising of America.

And with places like Edward's and Monty's gone, the one-size-fits-all steak can't be far behind.

Sacramento Sit-Com

2010-07-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

I hate to keep harping on the antics of our elected officials in Sacramento. After all, there's enough buffoonery going on in Washington each and every day to fill the pages of this newspaper.

But the boys and girls in Sacramento seem to be starring in a political vaudeville act. Just recently, we've seen enough pie-in-the-face, seltzer-down-the-pants antics to keep us in stitches for weeks. I couldn't make this stuff up.

First, State Sen. Curren Price of Los Angeles proposes that the state could make a bundle of cash by requiring digital license plates that display advertising. In other words, turn every car and truck in the state into a rolling billboard.

Great idea. Of course, there's the distraction issue. Digital license plates would be a boon to body shops. And product placement could be dicey. Want the family sedan to hawk triple cheeseburgers from some fast food joint, or a sperm bank, or some political candidate you loathe? I didn't think so. But the last time I checked, this bill was still active.

Next up on stage is local Sen. Gloria Romero who wants to toss serpentine as the official state rock of California.

There are two questions here. One, how is it that we have an official state rock? And two, why does Sen. Romero want to get rid of it, symbolically speaking.

As to question No. 1, serpentine, a shiny, green and blue rock found throughout California, was named the official state rock in 1965. It contains
the state's principal deposits of chromite, magnesite, and cinnabar. California was the first state to designate a state rock, once again proving that we are on the cutting edge of civilized society.

It is not to be confused with benitoite which was designated as the official state gemstone in 1985.

California also has an official fossil (the saber toothed cat), a state grass (purple needlegrass), state reptile (the desert tortoise), state soil (San Joaquin soil), state theater (the Pasadena Playhouse) and state colors (blue and gold. Take that, Trojans).

As to question number two, serpentine has "known health effects," according to Romero's bill. And that's because chrysotile, a naturally occurring form of asbestos, can be found in it.

Some geologists say chrysotile is less harmful than other forms of asbestos and would be a danger only if its dust was inhaled repeatedly.

Malcolm Rose, a geologist who spent his career with the U.S. Geological Survey, told the New York Times that "there is no way anyone is going to get bothered by casual exposure to that kind of rock. Unless they were breaking it up with a sledgehammer year after year."

Critics of the legislation say that if the rock is removed from its state status, or declared a carcinogen, it could unleash myriad lawsuits against property owners and other sites where it is found.

Which leaves us to ponder the question: Is Sen. Romero protecting her constituents or instituting the Lawyers Full Employment Act?

Not to be outdone, Assemblyman Mike Davis is backing a plan to turn Michael Jackson's "Neverland Ranch" in Santa Barbara County into a state park.

The idea is the brainchild of NAACP president Alice Huffman, who also sits on the state parks commission. "I think Michael's history is world history and I think it would become the No. 1 attraction for the state parks if we could pull it off," said Huffman.

Put aside for a moment your feelings about Michael Jackson, his fans, Neverland's checkered past or the fact Ms. Huffman thinks it would outdraw all the other state parks (Old Town San Diego State Historic Park has attracted nearly 8 million visitors annually).

Instead, consider this: The property is controlled by Santa Monica-based Colony Capitol LCC, a private equity firm that acquired it when Jackson was facing foreclosure in 2008. The company President Thomas J. Barrack Jr. told Bloomberg News last month that he hoped to sell it for more than $100 million.

Last year, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed closing 220 of California's 279 state parks to save money, but later backed down. Instead, he and lawmakers agreed to close half the parks on certain days and reduce services.

The state budget deficit is $26 billion. Is this the time to introduce a plan that would cost taxpayers more than $100 million? Mike Davis does. He said the plan makes "great sense."

It's no wonder people in other states think we're nuts.

Nil on the Pitch

2010-07-11T17:25:00.000-07:00

I have tried to love soccer. I truly have.

My youngest played the game from kindergarten through her senior year in high school. I never missed a game.

I drove vanpools, attended practices, coached, officiated, put up the nets, lined the fields and cleaned up when the games were done. I praised her in victory, consoled her in defeat, cheered and booed. I was, proudly, a Soccer Dad.

So much for my bona fides. I still maintain a mild interest in the sport, which usually surfaces once every four years during the World Cup.

But take my daughter or my country out of the equation, and I'd just as soon watch the Best of Synchronized Swimming.

I am willing to concede soccer is the most popular sport in the world, revered in every nook and cranny of the planet.

What I will not concede is that its lack of popularity in the United States is the result of some sort of national character flaw, or isolationism, or indifference, or, heaven help us, as one essay concluded, because we hate foreigners. We are, after all, a nation of foreigners.

Nor do I agree with an assessment that appeared in the Times recently written by author Ariel Dorfman: "... We are living a moment in history when the very notion of American exceptionalism is under siege," he wrote. "If the United States were indeed to abandon the idea that it has been chosen by God to save the world, if its citizens were to really entertain the notion that they are just the same as humans all over the globe and not uniquely endowed with shining virtue, could they not someday join the rest of the species in celebrating the most beautiful sport of our time?"

It's only sporting to point out Mr. Dorfman was at one point in his life cultural advisor to Marxist President Salvador Allende of Chile. He is also a critic of what he calls "North American cultural imperialism." Just to frame his argument.

Look, soccer had its chance. The first recorded soccer club formed in the U.S. was the Oneida Football Club, which played on Boston Common from 1862-1865. It was played at Eastern colleges at the turn of the 20th century.

But as baseball, football and basketball evolved in the early days of American sport, soccer was left behind.

We developed our own sports, just as we developed our own system of government.

This was a young, vibrant, proud country. This was the land of Teddy Roosevelt. Carl Sandberg, writing about Chicago, could have very well been describing the entire country: "Hog butcher for the world, tool maker, stacker of wheat, player with railroads ... stormy, husky, brawling ..."

This was no country for a sport in which, according to Jim Murray, "twenty-one guys stand around and one guy does a tap dance with the ball."

Watch soccer and you watch a game that allows a 0-0 tie. Americans hate a tie. This is not a demonstration of skill. It demonstrates a lack of skill.

Let's face it, soccer is boring. I'd rather Bust It Like the Babe than Bend It Like Beckham.

Watch soccer and you watch a game that allows players to flop around on the ground like beached fish, feigning injury. Faking it to gain some sort of advantage is about as far from good sportsmanship as you can get.

I once saw a video of a soccer team standing in a circle around their coach at practice. When he blew his whistle, they fell to the ground en masse, writhing in simulated pain. It may have been a joke but it had its roots in truth. Soccer offers the worst acting this side of Keanu Reeves.

Watch soccer and you see inept officials calling big games on the world stage. The apologies for bad officiating in this year's World Cup almost exceeded the number of goals scored. Instant replay? Not an option. Too American, I guess.

Watch soccer but watch out for hooligans who make Raider followers look like bird watchers.

Watch soccer and you see a game populated by players who often use one name. Spain has a player who is simply called Pedro. That must strike fear into the hearts of his opponents.

Give me Dick "Night Train" Lane, "Crazy Legs" Hirsch or Red Grange, "the Galloping Ghost." Now, those are names.

Watch soccer and you see teams called the Wanderers, Caledonian Thistle or Chivas, which in Spanish means "goats." Give me the Heat, the Giants, the Bulls, the Steelers.

Watch soccer if you wish. I'll be at the Rose Bowl or Dodger Stadium or Staples Center.

Ads Nauseum

2010-06-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year in Sacramento when our elected representatives
grapple with the state budget, an activity that can best be compared
to the Crusades.

This Holy War pits Democrats versus Republicans, who each try to
hammer each other into submission while believing God and Good are on
their side.

Ultimately, nobody wins. The two sides pick up their wounded and live
to disagree another day.

This year, in addition to the usual ideological stalemate, there’s a
$26 billion deficit on the table, forcing the state to desperately
seek new revenue-generating ideas.

Gov. Schwarzenegger, seizing the moment, has set up a Twitter site,
MyIdea4CA.com., that allows us all to join in the search.

A few recent entries: “More $ for higher education; less for pseudo
system of capital punishment.” “Legalize and tax marijuana. End the
war that does more harm than good.” “California has the worst
representation and the highest cost of government. There is a
correlation!”

“My idea is to give people cash incentives to move to other states.”
“$1 toll for all persons entering the state. Toll booths at I-5,
I-80, I-15, I-10, and charge airlines.” “Don't have a film school at
UC Berkeley ,at UCSD and another one at UCLA. Eliminate duplication.
Centralize.”

Noble sentiments, deeply felt, but I don’t see a billion dollar idea
in there.

All is not lost, however. Riding to the rescue is Democratic State
Sen. Curren Price of Los Angeles.

Sen. Price is proposing that the state could make a bundle of cash by
requiring digital license plates that display advertising.

It’s brilliant in its simplicity. Turn every car and truck in the
state of California into a moving billboard. Why didn’t I think of
that?

Price has introduced a bill that would allow the state to begin
researching the use of electronic license plates that would mimic a
standard plate when the vehicle is in motion but would switch to
digital ads or other messages when it is stopped for more than four
seconds, whether in traffic or at a red light.

The license plate number would remain visible at all times in some
section of the screen. In emergencies, the plates could be used to
broadcast Amber Alerts or traffic information.

"We're just trying to find creative ways of generating additional
revenues," Price told the Associated Press. "It's an exciting
marriage of technology with need, and an opportunity to keep
California in the forefront."

I can hear the police dispatcher now: “Attention all units. Be on the
lookout for a stolen vehicle with a license plate frame advertising
Tidy Bowl.”

Come to think of it, product placement could be a knotty problem. Do
you want your car to flash “Viagra” every time you hit the brakes. Or
pitch mortgage lenders? Or Scientology? Or strip clubs?

How about a Meg Whitman ad on a Democrat’s car. How would a
Republican feel about having “Re-elect Nancy Pelosi” blinking from
the rear of the family sedan?

Of course, in California, if our ballots are any indication, the ads
would have to be offered in every known language from Arabic to Zuni.

And no self-respecting advertiser is going to be satisfied with a
15-second spot. He’s going to want a full minute or more. No problem.
We’ll just adjust the signals to stay red longer. Just remember as
your blood pressure rises that it’s your civic duty to help fill the
state coffers.

Then there’s the problem of hackers. I read where a group of jokers
changed one of those computerized electronic warning signs on a Texas
highway to read, “Zombies Ahead. Run for Your Lives.” Which is funny
unless the sign originally read “Bridge Out Ahead.”

Speaking of safety, do you think flashing signs on cars would boost
the accident rate substantially? It’s a body and fender man’s dream.

Nice try, Sen. Price. Why don’t you push that toll booth idea instead?

A License to Silence

2010-06-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

There's a new addition to the list of really bad ideas, joining such favorites as leisure suits, wine in a box and football stadiums in the city of Industry.

This one comes from a Michigan lawmaker who wants to register journalists to ensure, among other things, that they possess "good moral character."

Republican state Sen. Bruce Patterson recently introduced a bill that would require everyone from bureau chiefs to bloggers to possess a journalism degree or other degrees substantially equivalent.

In addition, they would:

Have not less than three years experience as a reporter or any other relevant background information.

Possess awards or recognition related to being a reporter.

Submit three or more writing samples.

And as an added incentive, those who register would have to pay a fee.

Forget about the fact that Patterson, who describes himself as a "constitutional attorney," is engaged in a bit of academic self-loathing. After all, the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States prohibits the making of any law infringing on the freedom of speech or freedom of the press.

Forget the fact that a politician has the temerity to claim the moral high ground and sit in judgment of others.

Forget that there are libel laws and the court of public opinion to hold journalists in check.

Forget that I would qualify to cover Mr. Patterson, depending on who is deciding the
Advertisement "good moral character" question.

This proposed legislation is wrong on so many levels.

OK, I can hear you asking, we register barbers, plumbers and cab drivers. Why not reporters?

First and foremost, it would be open to abuses that go far beyond a bad haircut or a leaky pipe.

Simply put, it would give a government the tools to silence those who are critical of it by denying or revoking their "license." And when it comes to covering politics, no news is bad news.

Think that's far fetched?

Remember Richard Nixon's "Enemies List?" It was populated by a considerable number of reporters and editors. Less subtle but equally Draconian were the rulers of Communist Romania, who registered and licensed typewriters, to be confiscated if the writer offended the government.

Then there's that "moral character" issue. Whose moral character is the benchmark? John Wooden? Or Tiger Woods? And who is applying that standard? As Oscar Wilde once said, "Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people whom we personally dislike."

Journalism degrees? In my last editing stop at the Pasadena Star-News, my top reporters had degrees in history, rhetoric, law and divinity. It didn't seem to be a hindrance.

To give Mr. Patterson his due, the journalistic landscape is a lot more confounding than it used to be. In addition to the mainstream press, there are myriad bloggers, tweeters, Facebookers and other "citizen journalists" at work.

Do an Internet search on Barack Obama or Sarah Palin or Manny Ramirez and you'll find thousands of articles written from dozens of perspectives. It's soap box oratory gone electronic.

But it apparently has confused Patterson.

"What's the definition of a reporter? I haven't been able to find out? What's a reporter? What's a journalist?" he asked. "I thought you had to have a degree in journalism, but apparently not. I could retire and be a journalist."

You could, Mr. Patterson, but after this bit of legislative sleight of hand, I doubt if you'd get a lot of job offers.

I've got a better idea. Instead of registering journalists, let's register politicians.

Let's require them to be of high moral character, although Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton and Larry Craig might have trouble making the cut.

Let's require them to have a degree in ethics or the equivalent.

Let's have them submit three samples of intelligent legislation, free from lobbyist influence and back-room deal making.

Let's require transparency.

If we adopted those standards, there would be no need to muzzle journalists.

A Day for Dragon Slayers

2010-06-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

Small boy's definition of Father's Day: “It's just like Mother's Day
only you don't spend so much." (Author unknown).

Another father’s day is coming. I greet it with mixed feelings.

I’ve kept a great many of the cards I received from my daughters on
Father’s Day over the years. Most of them poke gentle humor at me for
my fix-it skills, TV viewing habits or availability for light
housework.

Fair enough. I’m not exactly a hearts-and-flowers guy.

Besides, some of the sentiments are based in fact. I once severed the water line
running from the street to the house while attempting to fix a
sprinkler, flooding the entire yard. The neighbors still yell “surf’s
up” when they see me coming.

The guys at the hardware store know me on a first-name basis. I’m
Bob, the guy who needs a combination internal pipe wrench and wiz
snips with a left handed tongue and groove attachment and carbon
steel forceps so I can hang a towel rack.

I’ll watch any sports on TV, even leg wrestling from Turkestan where
the winner receives a goat.

I’m not sure of the exact location of the vacuum cleaner in our house and the controls on our new washing
machine look to me like those on a F-16 fighter/bomber.

Despite these shortcomings, once a year I’m Dear Old Dad. Over time,
I’ve gotten dozens of ties, gallons of after shave and enough soap on
a rope to scrub down the U.S.S. Missouri.

And each time, I received them with expressions of joy which, truth be told, are honestly felt.

I couldn’t help noticing, however, that on Mother’s Day, my wife
receives flowers, multiple expressions of love that make her teary
eyed all capped with an expensive champagne brunch or dinner at some
place where the menus don’t have prices.

On Father’s Day, I’m sent out to slave over a hot barbecue which, as
a matter of survival, necessitates the ingestion of cold beer.

Also fair enough. Moms deserve all the attention. They are the
nurturers, the huggers, the comforters, the ones that care and feed
for us all.

Men are the dragon slayers, the ones who defend the cave, not to
mention change the oil, move the furniture, kill the spiders and
unclog the toilet.

It’s in our biological makeup to be this way, just like we can’t help
growing beards and grilling meat.

It wasn’t long ago that we were hunter/gatherers who went out with a
spear and brought home the evening meal slung over our massive, hairy
shoulders.

Nothing says love like a sweaty guy with dirt under his nails.

But, heck yes, we deserve a day. In fact, it wasn’t easy getting one.

Mother’s Day in this country officially dates back to 1914. But while
it was met with enthusiasm, the suggestion of a Father's Day was
often met with laughter, according to several historical accounts.
It was the target of much satire, parody and derision, sort of like
National Accordion Month is now. Shockingly, many saw it as the first
step in filling the calendar with mindless promotions.

A bill to accord national recognition of the holiday was introduced
in Congress in 1913. But our elected officials resisted, fearing that
it would become commercialized.

Wikipedia, the sometimes reliable online encyclopedia, reports that
President Calvin Coolidge recommended in 1924 that the day be
observed by the nation, but stopped short of issuing a national
proclamation.
In 1957, Maine Senator Margaret Chase Smith wrote a proposal accusing
Congress of ignoring fathers for 40 years while honoring mothers,
thus "singling out just one of our two parents. " To no avail.
In 1966, President Lyndon Johnson issued the first presidential
proclamation honoring fathers, designating the third Sunday in June
as Father's Day.

Finally, the day was made a permanent national holiday when that
go-to guy Richard Nixon who signed it into law in 1972.

One other historical note: More phone calls are made in the United
States during Mother's Day than during Father's Day, but the
percentage of collect calls on Father's Day is much higher.

Best definition of a Dad? “A father carries pictures where his money
used to be.”

Congratulations, Grads And Other Lies

2010-06-07T17:17:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the graduates of the Class of 2010.

So much for the platitudes. I've got some good news and bad news for you.

The good news: There are more jobs available than last year. The bad news: Last year was the worst year for college grads since the Great Depression.

Of 2010 graduates who actively applied for work, 24 percent have a job waiting for them post-graduation. This is up almost 5 percentage points from last year when only 19 percent of graduates submitting resumes and applications scored direct employment.

At this rate, we'll crack that 30percent barrier in another 10 years, leaving only 70 percent of our college grads unemployed.

And pay? Salaries for finance majors rose 1.6 percent to $50,546, while those for liberal arts majors fell 8.9 percent to $33,540. Oh, the humanities!

There are other options, like the Peace Corps or the Marine Corps. Either way, the pay is lousy but you'll develop a unique perspective on the world.

Not for you? You can always move back home. The U.S. Census estimated in 2008 that 5 million Americans aged 25 to 35 are living with their parents. Talk about social networking opportunities.

Before you slip into a funk, however, know this: That degree, unless it was in Albanian literature, will mean you won't face a life with a spatula in your hand. The job market is ultimately a lot more rewarding for college grads than it is to those without a degree.

More important, you will join an army of famous people whose first experience with the real world was rejection. Consider:

The Museum of Modern Art in New York rejected a young Andy Warhol's gift of a drawing due to "severely limited gallery and storage space."

The writers of the screenplay for "Casablanca" were told that their work wouldn't make the cut because it was "unacceptably sex suggestive."

Marilyn Monroe, who in 1947, after one year under contract, was dropped by 20th Century Fox because "you haven't got the sort of looks that make a movie star."

Walt Disney's first cartoon production company went bankrupt.

Edgar Allan Poe was expelled first from the University of Virginia, then from West Point.

Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.

J.K Rowling's original Harry Potter manuscript was rejected 12 times.

Thirty-eight publishers didn't give a damn about Margaret Mitchell's "Gone With the Wind."

And if you've got a diploma in hand, you've got a leg up on Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft; Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple Computers; David Geffen, co-founder of Dreamworks, SKG; Larry Ellison, founder of the database company Oracle; William Hanna of the cartoon producers Hanna-Barbera; Sheldon Adelson, real estate and casino owner; Jack Taylor, founder of Enterprise Rent-A-Car.

All of them were college dropouts. And all of them are billionaires.

And just in case your aspirations lead you in a different direction, add to that list Mexican drug lord Joaqu n Guzm n Loera or Dawood Ibrahim, head of an organized crime and terror syndicate in South Asia. Both are worth big bucks.

I'll leave you with a few inspirational quotes as you start your journey:

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success." (Robert Orben).

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." (Judy Garland).

"Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude." (Ralph Marston)

"Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." (Yoda)

And my two favorites:

"Be as bold as the first man or woman to eat an oyster." (Shirley Chisholm)

"The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit." (Nelson He

The Mud People

2010-06-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

Faced with politicians who would rather destroy each other than save the state, we the people will once again trudge to the poles to seek redemption.

It wasn't that long ago that we mustered all our political wisdom and picked an Austrian body builder as our champion. Not surprisingly, we got biceps instead of brains, a Grade B performer whose on-screen heroics were no match for real-life issues.

Note to self: When an office seeker launches his campaign from the yuk factory that is the "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" be very afraid.

So who now? Democrats are looking down the barrel of a shotgun wedding with Jerry Brown. Republicans get to choose between Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner, who seem intent on defining themselves by slinging mud.

To hear tell, here are our choices:

Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay, is a billionaire trying to buy her way into the governor's mansion and tried to bully Poizner out of the contest.

Her tenure at eBay was highlighted by the creation of a special site for the sale of pornography and sex paraphernalia.

She was involved with the controversial Wall Street firm Goldman Sachs and received sweetheart stock deals so unethical they were outlawed.

She refused to vote Republican for 28 years, is soft on illegal immigration, supports taxpayer funding of abortions and is, in fact, a closet liberal who supported Sen. Barbara Boxer.

Steve Poizner is way more liberal than he says he is.

He attempted to undercut Proposition 13, the 1978 ballot initiative that has kept property taxes in check. During the state budget crisis, Poizner, former treasurer, increased his department's spending by nearly 14 percent.

When the governor requested furloughing some state employees, Poizner was the only Republican to stand in opposition, siding with public employee unions and liberal Democrats.

Poizner gave $10,000 to help Al Gore try to win the 2000 presidential election which calls his conservative credentials into question.

None of the preceding is necessarily true, of course, but this is all we hear when the two leading candidates are engaged in an all-out assault on each other.

The truth, as determined by a number of political fact checking websites, is far less sexy.

Whitman is indeed very wealthy. And her people did in fact asked Poizner "about the viability of his campaign" which Poizner interpreted as "criminal intimidation tactics."

EBay does have an adults only section. On the other hand, Whitman abolished gun sales on the site.

Whitman has never voiced support for "amnesty" for illegal aliens or for President Obama's position on this issue.

Whitman didn't "refuse to vote Republican." She didn't vote for anyone over the last several decades, a record she admits is "atrocious."

It's true that Whitman supports taxpayer funding of abortions. But in 2004, Poizner did too, saying so on a Planned Parenthood questionnaire.

Whitman did support Barbara Boxer, along with 14 other Silicon Valley executives because the senator opposed taxes on the Internet.

Whitman did have an involvement with the controversial Wall Street firm Goldman Sachs. She got shares in initial public stock offerings, and resold them within hours, often for a handsome profit. Goldman was essentially giving Whitman the shares as a gift - in return, she would nudge eBay business Goldman Sach's way. The practice at the time was not illegal.

Poizner "undercut" Prop. 13 by supporting a measure that allowed schools to pass bonds with 55 percent of the vote, instead of two-thirds.

The claim about his office staff spending includes a budget created by his predecessor and plays fast and loose with the numbers. Poizner didn't furlough workers but did cut his office budget by 10 percent.

Poizner claims his donations to Gore were on behalf of his wife, a Democrat, and drawn on a joint account. His signature was on the checks, however.

Whitman has spent $70 million on her campaign. Poizner has laid out $30 million. When all is said and done, we know very little more about them than we did when it started.

This is no way to make a decision. We can only hope that the next round will deal in issues and solutions, not political eye gouging.