Sacramento Sit-Com

I hate to keep harping on the antics of our elected officials in Sacramento. After all, there's enough buffoonery going on in Washington each and every day to fill the pages of this newspaper.

But the boys and girls in Sacramento seem to be starring in a political vaudeville act. Just recently, we've seen enough pie-in-the-face, seltzer-down-the-pants antics to keep us in stitches for weeks. I couldn't make this stuff up.

First, State Sen. Curren Price of Los Angeles proposes that the state could make a bundle of cash by requiring digital license plates that display advertising. In other words, turn every car and truck in the state into a rolling billboard.

Great idea. Of course, there's the distraction issue. Digital license plates would be a boon to body shops. And product placement could be dicey. Want the family sedan to hawk triple cheeseburgers from some fast food joint, or a sperm bank, or some political candidate you loathe? I didn't think so. But the last time I checked, this bill was still active.

Next up on stage is local Sen. Gloria Romero who wants to toss serpentine as the official state rock of California.

There are two questions here. One, how is it that we have an official state rock? And two, why does Sen. Romero want to get rid of it, symbolically speaking.

As to question No. 1, serpentine, a shiny, green and blue rock found throughout California, was named the official state rock in 1965. It contains
the state's principal deposits of chromite, magnesite, and cinnabar. California was the first state to designate a state rock, once again proving that we are on the cutting edge of civilized society.

It is not to be confused with benitoite which was designated as the official state gemstone in 1985.

California also has an official fossil (the saber toothed cat), a state grass (purple needlegrass), state reptile (the desert tortoise), state soil (San Joaquin soil), state theater (the Pasadena Playhouse) and state colors (blue and gold. Take that, Trojans).

As to question number two, serpentine has "known health effects," according to Romero's bill. And that's because chrysotile, a naturally occurring form of asbestos, can be found in it.

Some geologists say chrysotile is less harmful than other forms of asbestos and would be a danger only if its dust was inhaled repeatedly.

Malcolm Rose, a geologist who spent his career with the U.S. Geological Survey, told the New York Times that "there is no way anyone is going to get bothered by casual exposure to that kind of rock. Unless they were breaking it up with a sledgehammer year after year."

Critics of the legislation say that if the rock is removed from its state status, or declared a carcinogen, it could unleash myriad lawsuits against property owners and other sites where it is found.

Which leaves us to ponder the question: Is Sen. Romero protecting her constituents or instituting the Lawyers Full Employment Act?

Not to be outdone, Assemblyman Mike Davis is backing a plan to turn Michael Jackson's "Neverland Ranch" in Santa Barbara County into a state park.

The idea is the brainchild of NAACP president Alice Huffman, who also sits on the state parks commission. "I think Michael's history is world history and I think it would become the No. 1 attraction for the state parks if we could pull it off," said Huffman.

Put aside for a moment your feelings about Michael Jackson, his fans, Neverland's checkered past or the fact Ms. Huffman thinks it would outdraw all the other state parks (Old Town San Diego State Historic Park has attracted nearly 8 million visitors annually).

Instead, consider this: The property is controlled by Santa Monica-based Colony Capitol LCC, a private equity firm that acquired it when Jackson was facing foreclosure in 2008. The company President Thomas J. Barrack Jr. told Bloomberg News last month that he hoped to sell it for more than $100 million.

Last year, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed closing 220 of California's 279 state parks to save money, but later backed down. Instead, he and lawmakers agreed to close half the parks on certain days and reduce services.

The state budget deficit is $26 billion. Is this the time to introduce a plan that would cost taxpayers more than $100 million? Mike Davis does. He said the plan makes "great sense."

It's no wonder people in other states think we're nuts.

Nil on the Pitch

I have tried to love soccer. I truly have.

My youngest played the game from kindergarten through her senior year in high school. I never missed a game.

I drove vanpools, attended practices, coached, officiated, put up the nets, lined the fields and cleaned up when the games were done. I praised her in victory, consoled her in defeat, cheered and booed. I was, proudly, a Soccer Dad.

So much for my bona fides. I still maintain a mild interest in the sport, which usually surfaces once every four years during the World Cup.

But take my daughter or my country out of the equation, and I'd just as soon watch the Best of Synchronized Swimming.

I am willing to concede soccer is the most popular sport in the world, revered in every nook and cranny of the planet.

What I will not concede is that its lack of popularity in the United States is the result of some sort of national character flaw, or isolationism, or indifference, or, heaven help us, as one essay concluded, because we hate foreigners. We are, after all, a nation of foreigners.

Nor do I agree with an assessment that appeared in the Times recently written by author Ariel Dorfman: "... We are living a moment in history when the very notion of American exceptionalism is under siege," he wrote. "If the United States were indeed to abandon the idea that it has been chosen by God to save the world, if its citizens were to really entertain the notion that they are just the same as humans all over the globe and not uniquely endowed with shining virtue, could they not someday join the rest of the species in celebrating the most beautiful sport of our time?"

It's only sporting to point out Mr. Dorfman was at one point in his life cultural advisor to Marxist President Salvador Allende of Chile. He is also a critic of what he calls "North American cultural imperialism." Just to frame his argument.

Look, soccer had its chance. The first recorded soccer club formed in the U.S. was the Oneida Football Club, which played on Boston Common from 1862-1865. It was played at Eastern colleges at the turn of the 20th century.

But as baseball, football and basketball evolved in the early days of American sport, soccer was left behind.

We developed our own sports, just as we developed our own system of government.

This was a young, vibrant, proud country. This was the land of Teddy Roosevelt. Carl Sandberg, writing about Chicago, could have very well been describing the entire country: "Hog butcher for the world, tool maker, stacker of wheat, player with railroads ... stormy, husky, brawling ..."

This was no country for a sport in which, according to Jim Murray, "twenty-one guys stand around and one guy does a tap dance with the ball."

Watch soccer and you watch a game that allows a 0-0 tie. Americans hate a tie. This is not a demonstration of skill. It demonstrates a lack of skill.

Let's face it, soccer is boring. I'd rather Bust It Like the Babe than Bend It Like Beckham.

Watch soccer and you watch a game that allows players to flop around on the ground like beached fish, feigning injury. Faking it to gain some sort of advantage is about as far from good sportsmanship as you can get.

I once saw a video of a soccer team standing in a circle around their coach at practice. When he blew his whistle, they fell to the ground en masse, writhing in simulated pain. It may have been a joke but it had its roots in truth. Soccer offers the worst acting this side of Keanu Reeves.

Watch soccer and you see inept officials calling big games on the world stage. The apologies for bad officiating in this year's World Cup almost exceeded the number of goals scored. Instant replay? Not an option. Too American, I guess.

Watch soccer but watch out for hooligans who make Raider followers look like bird watchers.

Watch soccer and you see a game populated by players who often use one name. Spain has a player who is simply called Pedro. That must strike fear into the hearts of his opponents.

Give me Dick "Night Train" Lane, "Crazy Legs" Hirsch or Red Grange, "the Galloping Ghost." Now, those are names.

Watch soccer and you see teams called the Wanderers, Caledonian Thistle or Chivas, which in Spanish means "goats." Give me the Heat, the Giants, the Bulls, the Steelers.

Watch soccer if you wish. I'll be at the Rose Bowl or Dodger Stadium or Staples Center.