Monday, January 29, 2007

Frank, as in Frankfurter

An open letter to: Frank McCourt President, Los Angeles Dodgers Los Angeles, Calif.
Dear Mr. McCourt: IT warms my heart when a prominent citizen, such as yourself, reaches out to enrich the lives of the common man, such as myself.
I mean, you own the Dodgers and you don't have to lift a finger to get 3 million people flocking to Chavez Ravine to see your team, win or lose.
But you're a giver, Frank. And you'll be giving fans what could be a a life-altering experience when they come to the ballpark this year.
Starting this season, the right field pavilion at Dodger Stadium will be converted into a special section, giving around 3,000 fans as many hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and sodas as they want.
Of course, you're nobody's fool, Frank. Tickets that are usually 10 bucks will sell for $35 in advance and $40 on gameday, and some items at the concession stand aren't in play - beer, ice cream and candy will be sold separately at regular prices.
That means Joe Fan will have to eat like a lumberjack to break even on the deal.
But I realize, Frank, there will be some additional expenses involved that you'll need to cover.
You're going to need to brace up the right field pavilion because I suspect the fan base out there will resemble nothing short of a gathering of sumo wrestlers and nose tackles.
Sitting there will give new meaning to the term " squeeze play."
And I'm betting that on a hot summer day, you'll be able to smell the crowd from San Diego.
Then you'll need additional paramedic support for those fans who try to pound down 12 Dodger dogs in three innings. Of course, if you're really enterprising, you could hawk cholesterol-lowering pills to those junk food zealots who are sucking up a thousand fat grams per game.
Then's there's the additional security you'll need to prevent fans from showering the opposing team's fielder with nachos when a fly ball is in play. That is, if they're able to get out of there seats to throw anything.
I'm betting the first home run ball that lands in the right field pavilion won't be caught. It will be eaten.
It's a brilliant plan, Frank, because gluttony and baseball go together like hot dogs and heart attacks.
No less than the immortal Babe Ruth, arguably the greatest player of all time, would love your idea. Legend has it that the Babe, one day in Coney Island, ate four porterhouse steaks and eight hot dogs, and drank eight sodas. That, of course, was just a pre-game snack.
Now, with your plan, Frank, anyone can be the Babe.
And who can't work up an appetite watching players like Catfish Hunter, Chili Davis, Candy Maldonaldo, Goose Gossage, Cookie Lavagetto and Pie Traynor?
I have just one suggestion, Frank. If you really want to get this promotion off the ground, name the right field pavilion after Tommy Lasorda.
That will give those hungry fans a real role model.
Robert (I'd Rather Have Sushi) Rector.

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