The Vast Wasteland

Picture this: Sam is a slacker at a big box store forced to work for the
devil, retrieving the evil dead who have escaped from hell.

Why? It turns out Sam's parents sold his soul to said Devil before he was
born. We're not sure why. Maybe they didn't have health insurance.

But, hey, get over it Sam. It's more exciting than selling kitchen sinks
to do-it-yourselfers.

That is the storyline for a new show called "Reaper" and if that sounds
like your idea of entertainment, then pull up a chair. The new TV season is
about to be unleashed on a helpless public.

In one episode of "Reaper," Sam wakes up to find that everything he
touches gives him a shock, so he consults Satan, who tells him that this is
related to his next target - an escaped soul from hell who sucks energy from
power lines to regain strength. In order to capture the escapee Sam must use
his new vessel, a remote control monster truck, given to him by Satan
himself.

Sounds like must-see TV. If you're 12-years-old.

Other mind-expanding offerings this season.

"Miss Match" about a divorce attorney who discovers she has a nack for
matchmaking, thereby assuring herself of a steady stream of clients.

"Coupling" that centers on the complicated love lives of six singles. Are
there any singles left with simple love lives?

"The Ortegas, " a half sitcom, half talk show series features Cheech Marin
as a father whose son builds a television studio in the back yard. See it
quick, it has "canceled" written all over it.

"Online Nation" which scours websites, blogs and user-generated materials
on the Internet to find the best and sometimes bizarre offerings. Isn't this
just America's Funiest Home Videos disguised as something high tech?

"Bionic Woman," a feminist era icon who returns to kick butt in an era of
sexual equality.

"Big Shots" described by one critic as "four junior tycoons who create and
share problems - and get in a little golf."

"Moonlight" in which a good vampire falls in love with a mere mortal.

"Caveman," a sitcom about the Neandrathals next door, their lives and
loves. Based on an auto insurance commercial.

"Pushing Daisies" about a guy who can bring back the dead with a touch.

"Cashmere Mafia," the heart warming tale of four businesswomen who,
according to the network press release, "consistently outpace their male
colleagues and husbands in salary and title but have to watch out for
scheming bitches eager to bring them down."

And TV wonders why its ratings are declining.

Here is the best take on the state of television I've run accross:

"I invite you to sit down in front of your television set when your
station goes on the air and stay there without a book, magazine, newspaper,
profit and loss sheet or rating book to distract you -- and keep your eyes
glued to that set until the station signs off. I can assure you that you will
observe a vast wasteland.

"You will see a procession of game shows, violence, audience participation
shows, formula comedies about totally unbelievable families, blood and
thunder, mayhem, violence, sadism, murder, western bad men, western good men,
private eyes, gangsters, more violence, and cartoons. And, endlessly,
commercials -- many screaming, cajoling, and offending. And most of all,
boredom. True, you will see a few things you will enjoy. But they will be
very, very few. And if you think I exaggerate, try it."

Those words were spoken by Newton Minnow, FCC chairman, in 1961. That's
right, folks, 46 years ago. And that was before the Jerry Springer Show was
invented. That was before "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?"

Despite the introduction of cable TV, DVDs, CDs and Internet broacasts, the only change is
that we have a greater variety of mediocrity from which to choose.

And if you think there was some sort of golden age of television, consider these classic
oldies:

"Rango," a 1967 sitcome starring Tim Conway as an inept Texas Ranger who had been assigned
to the quietest post the Rangers had, Deep Wells, so as to
keep him from creating unnecessary trouble. He had an Indian sidekick called
Pink Cloud.

How about "Woops!" a 1992 Fox network sitcom about the six survivors of a
world nuclear holocaust. The six of them live together in an abandoned farm
house while trying to survive and re-establish civilization. One critic
referred to Woops! as a "post apocalypse Gilligan's Island."

"Pink Lady and Jeff" aired in 1980. Pink Lady was a Japanese female
singing duo composed of Keiko Masuda ("Kei") and Mitsuyo Nemoto ("Mie"), and
"Jeff" was comedian Jeff Altman. The format of the show consisted of musical
numbers alternating with sketch comedy. Sample joke: Jeff: "You girls are the
biggest thing in Japan!" Pink Lady: "No, Jeff, the biggest thing in Japan is
Godzilla." If that didn't give you a hint, it is considered one of the worst TV shows ever.

"Homeboys in Outer Space" was a UPN sitcom that aired from 1996 to 1997.
The plot centered around an odd couple-type pairing who flew around the
universe in a winged car, piloted by a talking computer named Loquatia. The
show was a parody of science fiction shows such as Star Trek. It starred Flex
Alexander and Darryl Bell. The show was the target of a flurry of protests
from the NAACP and other civil-rights organizations for its use of
stereotypes.

"Cop Rock" was a short-lived Steven Bochco television series on the
American Broadcasting Company (ABC) in 1990. It was an attempt to combine the
police drama (a format in which Bochco had been very successful earlier with
"Hill Street Blues") with musical theater. For example, one scene in a
courtroom had the jury break into song, proclaiming the verdict "He's Guilty"
in Gospel style.

And a personal favorite: "My Mother the Car," which followed the exploits
of attorney David Crabtree (played by Jerry Van Dyke), who, while shopping at
a used car lot for a station wagon to serve as a second family car, instead
purchases a dilapidated 1928 Porter touring car. Crabtree heard the car call
his name in a woman's voice which turned out to be that of his deceased
mother, Abigail (voiced by Ann Sothern).

Pass me the remote.