Monday, February 22, 2010

Call Girls

I have a wife, two daughters, four nieces, a sister, sister-in-law
and a mother. So I consider myself somewhat of an expert on women, if such a thing
is possible.

What I’ve learned over the years is that most women want two things
out of life: (1) shoes and (2) telephones.

The second part of that equation was proved recently by a survey of
300 residents in a variety of locales that found, fairly consistently
from one city to the next, about 33 percent of women said they would
"put their sex lives on hold for a year" in order to continue to have
access to their mobile phone.

This doesn’t come as a complete surprise. As one wag once remarked,
"Women are actually like cell phones. They like to be held and talked
to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."

I had an upclose and personal view of the relationship between women
and their cell mobile phones at a gym the other day. There were women
on each side of me as I stumbled along on a treadmill.

As I huffed and puffed, they all conversed on phones as they ran like
deer without missing a beat. It was an Olympian display of dexterity
and concentration.

Indeed, mobile phones are so important to women that Samsung, among
other manufacturers, has come up with a phone that includes an
ovulation calendar, a favorite fragrance list and biorhythms. And, of
course, it comes in pink.

“You can put in your birth date and it will tell you if you are
intelligent, attractive or emotionally stable. You can't be all three
on any day - I've played around with it," Samsung Mobile marketing
manager Jenny Goodridge was quoted as saying.

I also read a survey that stated 46 percent of women would opt to
forgo sex for two weeks rather than give up access to the Internet
for the same period.

These women are called wives.

In a related development, 43% of the respondents to a recent survey
taken in Canada said they would rather have bacon than sex.

But, of course, that’s Canada where they wear bacon after shave.

Nonetheless, applying the Law of Unintended Consequences to these
surveys, we may one day find that overpopulation is a thing of the
past thanks in large part to mobile phones, the Internet and BLT

Speaking of Canada, the Great White North got off to a shaky start
with the Winter Olympics.

Bad weather (some are calling it the Spring Olympics), bad ice (in
the speedskating venue), bad planning (snafus at the opening
ceremonies) and bad luck (the death of a luger) have plagued the
games since they opened. Not a good return on a billion-dollar

Throw in NBC’s projected $200 million loss on the broadcast and we
have the sporting equivalent of the Titanic.

As for the Canadians, they could care less if Vancouver slides off
into the Pacific Ocean as long as they win the hockey gold medal.
Which they will. After all, Canada is the only place you can play
hockey 12 months of the year --- outdoors.

And speaking of mistakes, I wrote last week that we don’t have
anybody to root against anymore in the Winter Olympics with the
decline and fall of the Soviet empire. I added that those pesky
Iranians and the North Koreans were not participating.

They are. The Iranians have four skiers. North Korea has two skaters.
But don’t look for them on the victory stand.

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