In my never-ending quest to provide you, the readers, with the latest in social trends, mores and manners, I offer the following tips on how to have a hip Halloween.
1. Imbibe. Responsibly, of course.
2. Wear a costume that will define you as witty and devil-may-care.
3. Mix well.
Dump the gorilla suit, get rid of the Michael Jackson outfit, forget the vampire get-up. They're so yesterday.
And don't do what I did several years ago when I wore all white with a piece of yellow felt on my stomach and told everyone I was a fried egg.
Today's Halloween superstar requires a little imagination and cutting-edge knowledge of current events.
There will be lots of Lady Gagas, for example, this year. "Jersey Shore" characters will be identifiable because they "tawk like dis."
A few Na'vis from the film "Avatar" may show up although being blue, 10-feet tall and keeping your tail out of the onion dip will take some doing.
Bedbugs are hot this year but since they are despicable blood suckers, the costume may not win a lot of friends.
One couple I heard about is going to a party as Mel Gibson and his estranged girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, who participated in a rather vocal, public breakup.
This may be hard to bring off. If you are "Mel," you will be required to circulate among guests trashing every ethnic group and religious belief within earshot in expletive-filled rants. "Oksana" follows closely behind secretly recording his every utterance as lawsuit fodder.
Then there's a company that is selling oil-stained jumpsuits with the British Petroleum logo on the pocket. The downside: you run the risk of getting clocked by someone from the Gulf who fails to see the humor.
For the same reason, you may want to avoid dressing like Bernie Madoff. Ditto Arnold Schwarzenegger. And Reggie Bush.
The political arena is always good fodder for Halloween attire. With the elections just a few days away, it's a perfect time to make a statement about your favorite - or least favorite - politician.
President Obama is sure to be a favorite. There are lots of Obama masks (including a Barackula model). Just complete the look with a sharp suit, a great tie and a Teleprompter.
Where there is Barrack, there is Michelle. It's the perfect get-up for the woman who is statuesque, hates junk food and does bicep curls every day.
Sarah Palin attire is a hot seller. Many Palin masks now come with the lips sealed in order to preserve her presidential aspirations. For a special look, wear a Palin mask and a bear costume to capture that "Mama Grizzly" attitude. Accent with a moose pelt.
How about a Tea Party activist? Just wear a Glenn Beck T-shirt, an Uncle Sam hat and wave a placard that says "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants" or some other equally inspiring words. Then explain to guests why President Obama is a Muslim loving, socialistic, granny killing, anti-Christ while foaming at the mouth. Good conversation makes a lively party.
Too intense? The Joe Biden look is simplicity itself. Just wear a conservative suit, bright blue tie and make a lot of inappropriate and embarrassing comments. For an extra treat, have your wife/girlfriend dress as Nancy Pelosi.
Hillary Clinton: Just add an exaggerated laugh and barely controlled hostility and you'll be an exact copy.
Don't want to draw attention to yourself? Get nine friends together, don dark robes and go as the entire U.S. Supreme Court.