Tired of Trump? Cynical about Clinton? Bewildered by
Bush? Scared of Sanders? Had it with Huckabee?
Do you wring your hands over the prospect of a
presidential election featuring two candidates that inspire no one? Do you
furrow your brow over choosing between the lesser of two evils? Do you wonder
how the greatest nation on earth can offer us nothing more than a gaggle of career
politicians?
Well, fear not my friends. Because we’re here to tell
you that at last count there are nearly 700 candidates who have declared for
the presidency. And all that separates them from their White House dreams is
your undying support and a few hundred million dollars.
So in the interest of fair play, we offer a list of duly
registered presidential aspirants who bring unique qualities to the political
arena. Except one: electablity.
For the record, ladies and gentlemen, we present:
Vermin Love Supreme, an
American performance artist and activist, is known for running
as an alternative candidate in various local, state, and national elections. He
is usually seen wearing a boot as a hat and carrying a large toothbrush and says
that if elected President of the United States, he will pass a law requiring
people to brush their teeth. He campaigned in 2012 on a platform
of zombie apocalypse awareness (and zombie-based energy plan)
and time travel research. He
promises a free pony for every American.
Limberbutt McCubbins is a Democratic Party candidate
from Louisville, Ky., who has legally
filed and been approved for the race. The only drawback is that McCubbins is a
cat. But there is precedent here. Boston Curtis, a brown
mule, was offered as a candidate for a Republican precinct seat in Milton,
Washington in 1938, winning 51 to zero. Hank the Cat from Northern
Virginia, ran against Tim Kaine and George Allen for
Virginia's Senate seat in 2012. He earned third place in the state, with nearly
7,000 votes. A possible running mate for McCubbins is Mr. Crawfish B.
Crawfish of New Orleans who has filed to run for president but would
probably accept the second spot on the ticket. He also might end up being
McCubbins’ lunch.
Deez Nuts, an independent candidate who hails from
Wallingford, Iowa, is polling at 9 percent in the sampling from North Carolina
— after posting similar numbers in polls of Minnesota (8 percent) and Iowa (7
percent). However, it turns out Deez
Nuts, who says his real name is Brady Olson, is about to enter his sophomore
year in high school, and is a full two decades shy of being able to legally run
for president of the United States. A Mark C. Olson, who is listed at the
Wallingford address on Deez Nuts's FEC filing, said via
Twitter that Deez Nuts is "my 15 year old son."
Then there is David Sponheim, the "America's
Third Party" candidate who a few years ago made a video of himself in
full blackface as President Obama; HRM
Caesar St. Augustine de Buonaparte who plans to replace every government
employee who does not have an IQ of at least 150; and Pogo
Allen-Reese, the "Patriot Prancer"— a former male stripper who
can be seen online in nothing but a cowboy hat and a thong. He says he’s based
his campaign around three Gs: “God, guns, gold.” And maybe g-strings.
Add to the list: His Majesty Satan Lord of Underworld
Prince of Darkness of College Station, Texas and Sydneys Voluptuous Buttocks of
Buffalo, New York. Mr. Darkness is
running as a Republican.
Others who have filed include Queen Elsa Ice, Buddy
the Elf, Jedi Obi Wan Kenobi, Jean-Luc Picard, Jeffrey Dahmer, Sir Cookie
Zealot, Bippy the Clown and Mr. Ronald
Regan’s Ghost.
You might very well be thinking at this point, “What
the heck? Can anyone file papers to run for President?”
The answer is a resounding and unequivocal “yes.”
All you have to do is submit a statement of candidacy
to the Federal Election Commission. The FEC is not responsible for checking out
a would-be candidate’s qualifications.
Then, it gets sticky. While anyone can file the
paperwork, only those who have spent or received $5,000 on their campaigns are
considered official candidates, according to an FEC spokesperson.
Of course, you will be required to show that you are a
natural born citizen of the U.S. who is over 35 and has lived in the country
for at least 14 years.
This could be a problem for McCubbins the cat who is
five years old. But is owner claims he is 35 in cat years. This debate could go
to the Supreme Court.
If you plan to contest for the Democratic or
Republican nomination, you need to be on the primary ballot in enough states
to get the delegates you need at the convention.
Next, just beat all your party’s other candidates and
smite your opponent in the presidential debates.
Do that and they’ll play “Hail to the Chief” wherever
you go.
After all, in America, anyone can become President.
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