Today’s wine tasting notes:
Chateau Barstow Cabernet, ($1.49 at fine truck stops everywhere). This product contains hints of blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, huckleberries, goose berries, cranberries, loganberries, elderberries, ollaliberries and Chuck Berry.
Primary aromas include notes of cigar butts, gym socks, burning rubber and sour milk. A nose clip is thoughtfully included with each bottle.
The finish suggests the recycling containers where the wine is aged, leading to an experience that is, in a word, unimaginable.
Serve it with burritos, chili cheeseburgers and onion rings.
Vanquished Vineyards Sauvignon Blanc ($2 on select street corners). Suggestions of apple and pear mingle with hints of trout and asparagus in a wine that is best consumed in the midst of an anxiety attack.
The extraordinary finish is reminiscent of wet dog.
It’s a wine to serve to friends when you want to be alone.
Que Syrah Syrah ($10 in your local drug store’s Digestive Aid aisle), this full-bodied offering is aged to perfection, just like Sharon Stone. In fact, you could say it suggests a certain mouth-watering sumptuousness.
Called by some a brooding mistress of devilish wonder, others as eroticism in a glass, its finish includes notes of leather thong. It is best served when searching the Ashley Madison web site.
So I’m having a little fun here. But truth be told, we’ve all read wine notes so complex that they make sipping wine seem like the bar exam.
Take, for example, this actual review.
“Aromas of peach, oatmeal, subtle notes of charred peat, seasoned by complex lees derived characters, with flashes of matchstick. The palate has intense fruit power in the spectrum of nectarine to peach stone fruits is deftly laced with complex seasoned oak that adds a zesty orange rind and ginger component to the wine.”
Then, there’s this:
“Deeply scented black cherries fuse with toasted marshmallow, sweet custard pie and cinnamon sticks. Well seasoned oak supports the floral scent of musky black roses and a savory thorny understory like a briar growing through straw mulch after a recent rain.”
Well, OK then. Bottoms up.
I bring this all up because I stumbled upon this report about a vial of unmatured malt whisky that was blasted into the cosmos aboard the Space Station.
Leaving aside the issue of why a trillion-dollar space program has become a booze cruise, it seems like zero gravity doesn’t do a lot for spirits.
The BBC reports that taste tests have detected "major differences" between Earth-bound whisky and the vial that flew in the Space Station for some three years, where it matured along with the same charred oak that was aging with whisky on Earth.
The experiment was conducted by Ardberg Distillery in, where else, Scotland.
"Its intense aroma had hints of antiseptic smoke, rubber and smoked fish, along with a curious, perfumed note, like violet or cassis, and powerful woody tones, leading to a meaty aroma," the Ardbeg tasting notes state.
"The taste was very focused, with smoked fruits such as prunes, raisins, sugared plums and cherries, earthy peat smoke, peppermint, aniseed, cinnamon and smoked bacon or hickory-smoked ham. The aftertaste is intense and long, with hints of wood, antiseptic lozenges and rubbery smoke."
I’m not sure what it tasted like before the launch, but if they’re going to be selling a product that tastes like rubber, throat lozenges and smoked prunes, I think I’ll pass.
Actually, if we’re going to have cocktail hour in space, there’s no need to deliver it via rocket.
It seems scientists have discovered massive cloud of alcohol called Sagittarius B2. Located near the constellation Aquila, the cloud is 1000 times larger than the diameter of our solar system. It contains enough ethyl alcohol to fill 400 trillion trillion pints of beer.
One wag called in God’s Liquor Cabinet.
It’s 58 quadrillion miles away so getting there would be a bit of a chore. But think of the party they’re going to have when they get there.
Robert Rector is a veteran of 50 years in print journalism. He has worked at the San Francisco Examiner, Los Angeles Herald Examiner, Valley News, Los Angeles Times and Pasadena Star-News. His columns can be found at Robert-Rector@Blogspot.Com. Follow him on Twitter at @robertrector 1.