Dress Rehearsal

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Trend setter and bon vivant that I am, I realize that one of the most important celebrations of the year is rapidly approaching and I am totally unprepared.

Halloween is right around the corner and if I want to repeat past triumphs at the local costume party, I had better start getting into character.

Past triumphs may be a bit of an exaggeration:  At the last celebration, I wore all white with a piece of yellow felt on my stomach and told everyone I was a fried egg.'

But I regress.

Zombies, Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga and Barrack Obama are so yesterday.  Gone are the days of Sarah Palin, Brittany Spears, Elvis and any and all super heroes.

It’s enough to tax one’s imagination.

People in Washington, D.C, for example, are dressing up as their favorite Metro stops. Nothing says good times like public transportation.

A woman I know is going fully dressed with a sign that says “New Playboy Centerfold.”

Tom Brady will be big this year. Just wear a New England Patriots jersey and carry a deflated football.

There will be a lot of Donald Trumps out and about. All you need is his trademark “Make America Great Again” cap, a snarl and a lot of loud and ludicrous promises. It will help if, like Trump, you look foolish wearing a cap.

Other political costuming will be tough. That quiet guy over in the corner being ignored by one and all could be imitating Jeb Bush.

The man with tears in his soulful eyes and a painted on tan is being John Boehner.

The Joe Biden look is simplicity itself. Just wear a conservative suit, bright blue tie and make a lot of inappropriate and embarrassing comments.

Hillary Clinton: Just add an exaggerated laugh that conceals barely controlled hostility and you'll be an exact copy.

Ben Carson?  As one wag noted, just hold a scalpel in one hand and a Bible and a flat tax plan in the other.

Movies will be big. There’s a new “Star Wars” flick coming out so be prepared for lots of Wookies, Chewies, Storm Troopers and Princess Leas. Likewise the dinosaur look from “Jurassic World,” in what seems like the 500^th spinoff of the Jurassic franchise.

I may choose a “Sharknado” theme if for no other reason than to celebrate the best worst movie ever made.

Looking for something edgy?  There’s a Caitlin Jenner outfit. And in the 15 seconds of fame category, someone will undoubtedly come as Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk jailed for refusing to issue same sex marriage licenses. Best not to wear in West Hollywood.

But let’s face it.  Halloween is really for the kids. I remember when I was young thinking that being an adult must be truly awful because you can’t trick or treat anymore.

But even trick or treating has its downfalls.

I remember being miffed after racing home to open my goodie bag only to find pennies, rock hard bubble gum, raisins, butterscotch flavored hard candy or a toothbrush. 

Add to that list jawbreakers, peppermint, something awful called Bit-O-Honey, candy corn, pretzels, apples and wax lips.

If you really stuck out, you got a bag of religious propaganda.

Here’s the last word on Halloween as stated by Douglas Coupland:

“If human beings had genuine courage, they'd wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween.”

Robert Rector is a veteran of 50 years in print journalism. He has worked at the San Francisco Examiner, Los Angeles Herald Examiner, Valley News, Los Angeles Times and Pasadena Star-News. His columns can be found at Robert-Rector@Blogspot.Com. Follow him on Twitter at @robertrector 1.